My Birthday Wish

A quarter century… That’s how long I will have been on this earth on the 26th of this month. Usually I don’t make a big deal out of my birthday... I’ll maybe go out to dinner with a few friends, have some cake with the family…you know nothing too spectacular. Ive just never seen my birthday as something to celebrate…To me its just another workday and another year older. I mean sure the whole gift thing is cool…but Im so easy to buy gifts for anyway it not too hard to make me happy. You can give me a half eaten box of Captain Crunch and a broken G.I. Joe and I’ll be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.

This year has been different though… I must be going through some sort quarter life crisis or something because I really wanted this birthday to be special. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything …I love my family and friends and I truly feel blessed that they would want to celebrate my birth at all. But I still feel like there is something missing. I don’t know… its just that I see the majority of my friends happily married, or in a relationship and I truly long for that kind of companionship. I would give anything to have someone that I could kiss goodnight, that I could hold on a cold winter night, and who’s eyes I can look into and see myself growing old with. I know I may sound like a sentimental chump… but I would give everything I own for a pet midget.

Ive dreamed my whole life of being a midget owner. I wouldn’t go down to the midget shelter and pick out a strong healthy midget like everyone else either. No sir-y-bob! The healthy ones always get picked first… they’re easier to train for specialized jobs such as Seeing Eye midgets or bomb and drug sniffing midgets. Instead I would find the saddest looking runt midget of the litter so I could nurse him back to health …because Im maternal like that. After I left the shelter with my midget in his cardboard carrying case I would take him straight to the vet for his shots… because as we all know midgets are riddled with disease.

Unfortunately my apartment isn’t that big so my midget’s food and water bowls would have to be kept in my half bathroom downstairs. I would also lock him in here at night so he doesn’t jump on my bed and try to suck the air out of my lungs while I sleep.

I can see it now. Walking through the park with my midget on his leash during my lunch break… curbing his little droppings, dressing him up in little Yoda and ALF costumes so he doesn’t catch a cold. Come Christmas I would dress him up like a little elf and take him to get his picture taken with Santa Clause then send it to everyone as a Chirstmas card. Ahhh…I smile just thinking about it.

My midget would not only be adorable but he would be useful too. If I were to ever be so hung over that I could not make it into work I would dress my midget up in my work clothes, give him my badge and pin a note on his jacket saying “Larry has come down with a severe case of the small pox and may poop on the floor”. That way I wouldn’t have to use a sick day. HAHA… Im a fucking genius!

Ok granted having a pet midget may not be for everyone. But you’d be amazed just how versatile they are. Lets see…

You can use them as a footstool.

If you were to drop something down a sink drain their little arms are ideal for retrieval.

They are a perfect replacement for a football

They have no rival when it comes to spotting amber colored masonry paths.

And as everyone knows midgets are naturally gifted when it comes to spontaneously bursting out into songs with reference to badly behaved children

The list just goes on.

But sadly I will never be able to have a pet midget of my own because no one loves me. So until the day my pet midget and I are united all I can do is dream and pray.

I love you pet midget… I promise one day we will be together!

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 3)

Have you ever been in so much pain that you prayed for the sweet release of death?... … I have… Every time I took a breath it felt like someone was tap dancing on my nuts with cleats. Between my testicle trauma and Drew’s concussion we were a sad fuckin bunch in the back seat on the way home. I was passing out every couple minutes from the pain while Drew puked his fucking guts out like some kind of bulimic cocker spaniel. Real fuckin fun ride home.

About 10 minutes into the ride Justin spotted an abandoned Gatorade stand on the side of the road.

Justin: Hey look…. Gatorade!

Jason: Oh yeah they had a triathlon over here this weekend

Another 10 minutes into the ride and a second abandoned Gatorade stand appears on the side of the road.

Justin: STOP THE CAR!!!!

Bam!!.. Car slams to a fuckin halt. Justins fat ass was out in a fucking shot …he jumped out the damn of car before it even stopped. It was like the mother fucker was on high on PCP…Twinkies…or some shit. I have never seen a fat kid move so fast in my life. Before I knew what the hell was going on chubby had loaded 5 full cases of Gatorade, a case of water bottles and two full size water coolers in the back of the boat. To make room for our ill gotten thirst quenchers Justin was forced to rearrange all the shit in the boat…Not a good move.

An hour later we are driving down the freeway and a guy in a Civic pulls up next to us and motions to JD to roll down the window.

Guy in Civic: Hey….*sumthin sumthin*…bag flew out

JD: Fuck!!! ….Thanks

So we immediately pull over and start checking shit out.

Me: Sweet… my bags still here

JD: Got mine

Jason: My bags here

Drew: My shits here

Justin: FUCK!!!! … My wallets in my bag!

So being the nice group of guys we are we turned back and went to look for Justin’s bag on the side of the road. A couple minutes later we got to the point on the freeway that the guy in the Civic pulled up next to us. We slowed down checked the side of the road and nothing. Made another loop looked and again nothing. Justin flipped the fuck out!

Justin: Dude we have to go back to the lake.

There was no rationalizing with this fucker. We tried to explain to him that the guy wouldn’t have pulled up and told us that we lost a bag if we left the fucker at the lake. We tried to tell him that getting out of the car and looking for the damn thing would be a better option… still no go. So to stop the fat ass from crying the whole way home we obliged him and went headed back to the lake. 5 minutes into the ride we all just stopped looking. Drew and I passed out right off the bat… Drew again from the concussion I from the pain, Jason was building Cheeto castles on the front seat, and poor JD was stuck driving while Justin looked for a bag that was most likely behind us .

About 10 minutes away from the lake JD pissed off beyond belief started mumbling under his breath.

JD: Dude its not going to be here. Why would the guy had pulled up next to us when he did if we lost the damn bag at the lake?

Justin: Oh yeah huh ……. Lets go back and look

Im surprised JD didn’t drive the car into a ditch and kill us all. We drove around for a fucking hour for this fat ass and 10 minutes from the lake FINALLY gets it. Long story short the fucking bag was gone. Sure there was some crying… some “Im hungry I want a Whopper” but eventually Justin came to terms with his loss and we made our way back home.

About 30 minutes away from home we start getting low on gas. JD finds a 7-11 we pull over and everyone piles out of the car. JD, Drew, and Justin go inside to go the bathroom while Jason and I chilled outside and pumped the gas. A few minutes later Justin comes out with a smile on his face a Slim Jim and some Laffy Taffy in his hand that JD bought him. Everyone piled in the car got situated and prayed that the rest of the ride home would be a quik one….

The fuckin second the doors closed…

Justin: …….Pfffrrrrrrbtttttt!!!

Me: You sick ass mother fucker!!!… You couldn’t have farted 30 seconds ago???

Normally I would have kicked him in the larynx… but since the simple bastard just lost his wallet I let it go. The next thing I know we were home. Apparently I had passed out AGAIN... not from the pain this time... but from an buildup of methane in the cab.

The End

Jesus Hearts Birthdays

1. Stole a dagger from my brother Numsey
2. Got yelled at by my aunt for like 10 minutes after I threw a hamburger at my cousin…not for throwing the hamburger… but because I made a mess on the concrete outside
3. Gave my cousin this card for his birthday



4. Inside the card was the pink slip to his own car
5. Was at the movies waiting for the 40 Year Old Virgin to start and got a sudden urge to throw one of my peanut M&Ms at a random guys head
6. Came to the conclusion that I might just have a problem with throwing things at people
7. Found out that we just got just got fiber optic cable installed at work…Now I can screw around on the internet AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!
8. Realized how much I enjoy loading the printer at work. Its like Christmas except the only present I get is paper…that’s not mine
9. Saw a guy stall out a 1.5 million dollar ferrari
10. Ate all the Rice Crispy treats that my mom made for a funeral

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 2)

Note to self: Next time you decide to get hammered while camping you need to…
A: Remember to inflate the air mattress BEFORE drinking yourself into a coma
B: Do Not pass out on a bed of sticks and rocks. It is not as comfortable as a real bed though it may seem like it after a case of beer.
C: NEVER sleep in the same tent as Justin… the bastard snores louder than a dump truck falling off the Empire State building.

The next morning I woke up around 8am… still pretty buzzed. Between fuckin Large Marge snoring, my choice of sleeping spots and an overfilled bladder there was no way I was going back to sleep. I put on my hoody, trampled my way over several inebriated bodies and proceeded to relieve myself on Justins overnight bag. When he woke an hour later I told him it was the morning dew that made his bag so wet.

As I sat there by myself taking in the beauty of the lake I began to get a little shook up inside. My chest began to feel heavy…my eyes began to well up with tears it was one of the most beauti….ahh…. wait a sec … never mind …it was the chili and beer creeping up on me. Time to take a deuce. Luckily there was a restroom not too far away. The stalls must have been made in Ethiopia because I actually had to turn sideways to sit on the crapper without my shoulders touching the walls. As I went about doing my business the walls of the stall began to shake….then moans and grunts started coming out of the stall next to me. Either the bathroom was haunted or someone needed more fiber in his diet. So to avoid getting injured I snapped my yam and got the fuck out of there.

When I got back to the camp site the rest of the guys had woken up and were already starting to cook breakfast. On the menu breakfast burritos. Chubby Tits AKA Justin was assigned cooking duties in hopes of an encore to the previous nights grilled cheese samiches, while the rest of us enjoyed appetizers of Cheetos beef jerky and bagels. Not one to disappoint Justin followed up his samiches by showing us that the ideal ratio for eggs and cheese is 3/1. Three slices of American cheese to every egg. Sure it was more like a cheesy slurry … but it was a delicious cheesy slurry. Lets face it this fucker didn’t get as fat as he is by NOT knowing how to cook.

Bellies full JD, Justin, Jason and I launched the boat around 10am leaving Drew to clean up the big fuckin mess we left behind. On the first trip out we didn’t do much. JD and I took turns trying to get up on the single ski but neither of us had the coordination to even get out of the water. After a couple turns a piece we ended up running the boat around the lake for a little bit. We all have ADD so it didn’t take us long to get bored… a half hour later we headed back to camp to pick up Drew and the big two man inner tube. The second we got out of the boat Drew ran down to meet us all at the shore line.

Drew: Dude… I was just in the bathroom taking a shit… and this guy in the stall next to me was like kicking the door and groaning and shit.

Me: No way… how long ago did you go?

Drew: About 10 minutes ago

Me: *calculating in my head*….carry the 1…..Haha… that fucking guy has been in there for over 2 hours!

Drew: I bet you he got stuck in there… those fuckin stalls are small

With that we all headed out for some toobin. It started off innocent enough. One person on the tube at a time… when JD and I felt that they had been on long enough we would shake them off. But since this was a two man tube that is supposedly “unflippable” it took more effort than usual to do so. This made for some pretty spectacular wipe outs when we were finally able to throw them off. We eventually became bored …again… so we decided to progress to two guys on the tube at a time.

JD and Jason were up first with myself at the wheel. For the first 5 minutes or so I went easy with them… so much so that JD was standing up on the fucking tube doing tricks. I gradually opened the throttle and threw in some lazy S’s … JD sat back down and got a better grip for the ride ahead. After another 7-8 minutes I decided it was time for them to go down. I opened up the throttle about half way (about 45 mph) and started cutting the S’s a little tighter… another 3 minutes pass and the fuckers are still hanging on. Ok now it was time to pull out the big guns… it was time for the whip. I throttled down and began a wide turn.. Just as the tube started following the boats path I cut back into the direction of the tube and gunned it. SNAP!!!! Jason shot off the tube like a fucking bottle rocket… before JD could grab a handle to even out the tube it flipped over tossing him off ass over tea kettle.

The second JD got back on the boat I knew my ass was grass.

JD: Your turn fucker

ME: … ahhh shit…. Ok …. Whos coming with me?

Justin: I’ll go!

Justin and I hop on the tube and before we can even get going the front of the tube dips down and drags us both underwater.

Me: JUSTINS TOO FUCKIN FAT!!!! DREW… GET ON THE TUBE!!!!

Drews about a buck 45 so I would much rather have him topple over me when the tube flips than all three hundred pounds of chubbalub. Right off the bat JD guns it at ¾ throttle. There were a couple of turns that he almost bucked us off but Drew and I refused to be shaken…hitting the water at 50mph hurts like a sonofabitch and we both new that all too well. All of a sudden I heard the engine rev… The mother fucker pinned the throttle.

We weren’t even touching the water anymore we were going so fast… we just kinda hovered in mid air… feet dragging in the water the only thing left stabilizing us. Let me tell you dragging your feet in the water at about 75 mph feels like dragging them though gravel. I didn’t even want to know what my whole body hitting the water would feel like. We were quickly approaching the end of the lake so Drew and I readied ourselves for the upcoming turn. But before we even had a chance to move I saw JD wave to a nearby boat like “hey watch this” then he cut a damn near 90 degree turn at full throttle. Im surprised the fucker didn’t flip the boat. We didn’t even stand a chance… we had to be pulling at least 8 Gs. Next thing I know Drew loses his grip sending him into me like a fucking wrecking ball. I shit you not.. I skipped on the surface of that lake damn near 15 times limbs flailing like a rag doll, Drew slamming into me the whole way. When I finally came to rest in the water a few hundred feet away from the initial launch I felt a searing pain in my crotchal reigon. You see as my limbs flailed about as I bounced off the water my legs splayed open driving one leg into the water focusing all my momentum squarely on my scrotum. That’s right folks I used my balls as brakes.

Well that train wreck pretty much ended the trip. I could barely walk and Drew had a mean fucking concussion so we packed up our shit and went on our way.

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Stay tuned for Pt. 3...The Ride Home

gay Gay GAY!!!!

So I just walked into the men’s restroom (at work mind you) and both of the urinals were occupied. Now normally this wouldn’t bother me…but as I was waiting for one of the urinals to free up I noticed that the two gentleman that had them occupied were HOLDING FUCKING HANDS! At the urinal!!!…. While they were making pee pee!!!… One hand on the dong the other holding the hand of the man next to him. WTF!!!!!… I have never seen anything quite this homo in my life. Fearing that I may have become a little more gay for having witnessed this I did what any other heterosexual male in my position would do ….. I fucking sprinted out of the bathroom screaming and crying like a little girl.

Im still a little bit shaken… I think I need to be held…….BY A WOMAN!!! …preferably with big boobies

HNT 4... Its That Time Again

So have you all bought your tickets yet?......


TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!!!

Yeah I know its a shitty pic.

You try flexing and holding a camera at the same time....its not fucking easy!

For more HNT Madness check out OS ...The MAN

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 1)

A couple months ago I get a call from my cousin JD

JD: Hey Lar.. you wanna go out to the lake this weekend?
Me: Uhhh… sure … I don’t have anything else going on.
JD: Cool… meet me at my place after work. You get the booze, I’ll get the gas for the boat, Jason and Drew will cover food, and Justin will get the camp site.
Me: Sounds like a plan…see ya after work

After work I headed to Safeway to get the weekends booze. My cousin and his friends haven’t really developed a taste for beer yet so they will pretty much drink anything to get drunk. With this being known I went for the cheapest piss water that I could possibly find. Just so happens that week 30 packs of Coors Light were on sale for $9.99..Score! We were going to be at the lake for a couple of days so I got 4 of the 30 packs for my cousin and his friends and a case of Gordon Beirsch for myself.

I got to my cousins place around 6pm. Pretty much everything was already packed up and ready to go… we just needed to wait for his buddy Justin to show up with the tents. 6:30 rolls around… no Justin, 7:00… no Justin…. the mother fucker finally shows up at 7:30 talking about he got caught up in traffic. This may have been a good excuse if we lived in a larger city but considering there is absolutely no traffic in Monterey we agreed that a punishment was in order. After giving Justin the ass beating of a lifetime then throwing him in the trunk we finally began our two hour drive.

In the two hours it took to get to the lake we ate half of our food ration for the weekend, got our windshield shattered by a rogue avocado, and had a cooler lid fly out of the boat knocking the side mirror of a BMW behind us. Oh yeah this was already shaping up to be a good weekend.

We finally got to the lake around 9:45 pm…by this time it was pitch fuckin black outside and most of the good camp sites had already been taken. It took us a good hour to finally find a camp site and damn near another hour to back the fucking boat into the spot. Those cold beers were looking mighty good about now.

By the time we got the boat situated it was close to midnight. Before we even lit a fire, set up a tent, or lit a lantern, we all shot gunned a few silver bullets for a job well done. Luckily it didn’t take long to set up camp (maybe 30 minutes). It probably could have been done in 15 but apparently setting up a tent with a beer in hand required more coordination any of us had.

12:30am and it was finally time for dinner. On the menu that night we had chili dogs, potato salad, and some ice cold beer. Sounds delicious doesn’t it? Just one little problem… no one brought a fucking can opener for the chili. I’ll be damned if I was going to have a chili dog without chili…that’s just plain out blasphemous! We were going to have to improvise.

Me: What the fuck do we have to open this can of chili?
Drew: I have some keys!
Me: Your retarded… drink you beer.
Jason: I have a pocket knife?
Me: Perfect …throw it here.

Imagine if you will. Larry 8 or 9 beers deep standing on top of a picnic table, beer in one hand… pocket knife in the other…stabbing the shit out of a can of chili. I know…not exactly one of my proudest moments… but after a few minutes of hacking, sawing, and cursing the can of chili I was finally able to extract the majority of its precious nectar.

We drank, ate, and bullshitted for hours. I blew through my case of beer faster than I had originally planned.. No biggie right? There should be plenty of Coors left.

Me: Hey J.. throw me a Coors
JD: ….Ummmm…..there is no more
Me: You gotta be fucking kidding me?…Let me look!

Sure as shit there wasn’t a one fucking beer left in the cooler. The little bastards tore through 120 beers in less than 3 hours. Impressive huh? Oh well fuck it… it was getting late anyway and we had a full day on the lake in the morning..it was time to call it a night. It became obvious really fast that I was the only one with this idea.

Justin: HEY…WHO WANTS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH??!!!
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now?.. Its 3am you fat shit!
Everyone else: I want one
Me:………Ahh fuck it… Ill have one too.

Guys… I shit you not. This chubby bastard made the best grilled cheese samich I have had in my LIFE! To start with instead of using only a couple pieces of cheese he used like 6 slices of Velveeta per samich. And his cooking style… well it was just a thing of beauty. This fat ass had the whole stick of butter in his hand and was basting one side of the sandwich while the other cooked. He was literally grating the butter on the toasted bread. It was awesome!

Now that we were completely hammered and out arteries sufficiently clogged we decided it was time to call it a night. I headed to the car to grab my sleeping bag while the rest of the guys put the food away so we didn’t get attacked by bears. On my way back to the tent two Rangers jump out at me from behind a tree like a couple of fucking ninjas. So I did what any drunk would do if they were being attacked by ninjas…I swung at the fuckers. Luckily for them they were able to use some kind of ninja magic and create three copies of themselves leaving my punch connecting with nothing but air. They were not happy.

Ninja Ranger: You guys need to go to sleep right now or your going to have to leave the park!!!!!
Me: We were going to sleep before you jumped out of the fucking trees at us!
JD: Haha…. You going to drive us home if you kick us out?
NR: What did you just say?
Me: Nothing… we’re going to sleep.
NR: NOW!

So we all got tucked in nice and tight and attempted to go to sleep.

JD: Gnite Larry, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Me: Gnite JD, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Justin: Gnite JD. Gnite Larry, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Jason: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Larry, Gnite Drew
Drew: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Larry

NR: YOU GUYS GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!!!!

Everyone (In unison) : GNITE RANGERS!!!!
Drew: We love you!

And with that we all fell into a drunken slumber.

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To Be Continued….

HNT 3 Revenge of the Dragon

Rawr!!!
























Getting pretty close to the gun show Nina... Have you bought your tickets yet?

Please stop by and give some props the the king of HNT

6 Pack Abs, Top Gun and West End Girls

1. Was attacked by a urinal
2. Got hit in the face with a rock on the freeway
3. Came to the realization fitness celebrity John Basedow has a big fuckin head
4. Realized the Kenny Loggins is the king of 80s movie theme songs (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Top Gun, Foot loose, Caddy Shack.. The guys a fuckin genius)
5. Have been unable to get the smell of tuna off of my hands… and no that’s not the reason my hands smell like tuna
6. Woke up to find my roommate had moved out and stolen my toothbrush
7. Determined the mother fucker must pay!
8. Will be using all of his mail as TP from here on out
9. Got caught rockin out to the Pet Shop Boys
10. Decided that when I grow up I want to be just like Captain Lou Albano

HNT Take 2

I have freckly shoulders


























Check out Osbasso's site for more HNTers.

Questions From Grace

Last fucking time I ever agree to play in one of Grace's games ;P

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1. how old were you when you got your first woody?

How the fuck am I supposed to know? Ive been pitching tents for as long as I can remember. Its not like a boner one day and wrote it down in my diary.

Deer Dieary ;

Tuday my pee pee got hard fore no reezun. I hope I dunt dye!

You should have asked me when I discovered masturbation. I have that fucking date committed to memory. I send my hand flowers and chocolates for its anniversary every year.

2. have you ever had a 3some? please. expound. (muwahaha.)

There...are...I said there are...so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaaaaaaaa. If I can only choose one! If I can only choooooose oooooonnnne! I plead the fif! *pound pound* I plead the fif! * pound pound*
Five! One, two, three, four, fiiiiiiiiiif! Anything you say fiiiiiiiiiif! Go ahead ask me a question……..fiiiiiiiif!

3. would you rather take it in the ass from a small-dicked man or from a SUPER HOT CHICK with an english accent with a VERY LARGE strap-on?

I hate you so much Grace ;p …That one is easy though…Id take it from the SUPER HOT English chick. You see if I were to take it up the poop shoot from a Super Hot chick with a strap-on I would technically still be considered heterosexual. And as we all know I would rather be beaten to death with wet fallopian tubes than be considered a gay.

4. what's your favorite flavor of cheesecake?

Fuck… now that’s though question! … Um Id have to say cherry… no strawberry… no no mango. Fuck who am I kidding you can put some pigs feet on a piece of cheesecake and I wouldn’t turn it down.

5. what's the proudest moment in your life?

How the fuck did this question get in here? OK this is going to be really sappy so be prepared.

I was about 14 and my grandpa and I were playing our weekly game of dominoes. My Nano and I really didn’t have much in common except for dominoes…in fact we were complete opposites. We would constantly butt heads over the smallest things… but when we played a game of bones together it was like none of that mattered. In the hundreds of games we had played I maybe won once or twice by a small margin. But these small wins were enough to keep me coming back for more week after week.

This week had started like all the rest before it. The first two games were close but in the end Nano came out the victor. It was our 3rd or 4th game and it was like the domino gods had smiled upon me. I could do no wrong. I ended up completely decimating Nano for the next 7 games. We were both in shock… I never gloated once and he never said a word… just smiled.

After that game he took me into the garage (his sanctuary) reached into one of his tool cupboards and pulled out a box wrapped in a dirty cloth. He put the box in my hand and proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me and that he was glad he could be around to see me become such a good man. I then unwrapped the box and opened it to find a set of ivory and gold dominoes staring back at me. That was the first and last time in my life that I have cried from being so happy.

Looking back on it I think I knew then why he was giving me the dominoes. I knew he was passing me the patriarchal torch, and I guess we both knew that he didn’t have that long left. I had no idea that those were the last moments that I would get to spend with him though. Nano died 2 days later.

So there ya go … that was the proudest moment of my life… corny I know. But you asked.

Fuck It!....Im In!

Jumping on the HNT bandwagon while its still cool.





















Check out Osbasso's site for more HNT

Dirty Water

Well I was going to write a review of the San Diego Comic Con that I went to this last weekend. But since Im a lazy fucker Im just going to post a link to Steve's review since he wrote one about 10,000 times better than I could. However I will leave you with this little gem.
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It was on a Sunday about two months ago. The night before had been spent getting tanked, breaking shit, and passing out in my car-port for a couple hours. I didn't realize the extent of my hangover until my roommate left the house slamming the front door on his way out. It was like someone hit me in the face with a wet boot...it fucking hurt like a sonofabitch! Alas I had gone out that night knowing full well what the morning had in store for me, so being the genius that I am the only thing I had scheduled that day was some marathon cartoon watching.

Around noon I poured myself out of bed, grabbed a blanket, put on my Homer slippers and hunkered down for some Cartoon cartoons. After about 3 hours of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Kids Next Door, and Teen Titans I began to get hungry...it was then I realized I had not one fucking stitch of food in my house (except for some beer) Now being the lazy hung-over fuck that I am instead of going to the store or a fast food place to buy food, I drove my ass over my parents house so Nana could make me a sandwich.

When I got to my parents house the only person there was Nana. Mom and Dad had gone to spend the day at an Indian casino, while my sister and her boyfriend shopped in San Francisco. This meant that Nana and I could now watch the Sci-Fi channel on the big screen without anyone bitching at us... after she made my samich that is.

I don't know why but as we were watching movies I had the sudden urge to clip my toe nails. I mean they weren't eagle claws or anything yet... but they could definitely use a little bit of trimming. So I grabbed the clippers and started to trim my nails right there in the living room while watching a rerun of some lame Sci-Fi channel movie. Now Im no slob... so instead of letting my toe nails fly all over the living room, I clipped them one by one and dropping them into a half empty water bottle I had brought with me.

A few hours later my buddy Chris calls to invite me for sushi later that night. Im not one to pass up sushi do I head out leaving the bottle behind. I eat an ungodly amount of sushi that night, go home and pass out in front of the TV watching some more cartoons.

Around 12am I get a phone call

Unknown caller: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!!... IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!
Me: Ummm ... who is this?
Unknown caller: ITS CINI!!! (my sister)
Me: Oh ...hey cin.. what did I do now?
Cini: I came home From San Fran and I was in the living room watching TV...I got thirsty and I didn't want to go to the kitchen to get a drink, so I grabbed the water bottle on the coffee table.
Me: *giggle*
Cini: I took a sip and it tasted like toe... So I took another sip and I swallowed one of your fucking toenails!
Me: Wait.... you took another sip after the first sip tasted like toe?
Cini: yeah
Me: You're an idiot go to sleep

Fireworks and a Dike Fight

IM BACK!!!. Sorry guys been really busy lately. Trying to cram in a ton of work over the last couple weeks so I can head down to Comic Con this weekend. Anyhoo in the spirit of Independence day I thought I’d share a little tale with you all about my 4th last year. Enjoy!
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Time: July 4th 2004
Place: My aunts house Seaside Ca.

The day started out like most 4ths before it. In the back yard my dad and uncle stood around the grill polishing off their 3rd case of Pabst Blue Ribbon… paying more attention to the can pyramid they created rather than the meat they were cremating on the Webber. In the kitchen my aunt, mom and Nana were arguing about something insignificant as always… and true to form Nana got pissed off and hunkered down in the living room to further delaying dinner. And as for me… well me and my cousin were blowing up anything we could get our hands on in the front yard with our newly acquired arsenal of illegal fireworks we had secured from a trip to Wyoming just a few weeks earlier. So meat was burning, women were yelling, and all kinds of shit was getting blowed up good. It was shaping up to be a glorious 4th.

Several hours later the time that we had all been waiting for had arrived. Darkness had fallen and it was now time to light the $500 worth of California illegal fireworks. It was fucking spectacular!… The show we put on far rivaled that of the $10,000 display put on by the city. There must have been at least 100 people that had gathered around from the surrounding blocks to watch our show. We couldn’t light fireworks fast enough… we were lighting 5,6 at a time and we weren’t even putting dent in our stash. After about an hour and a half of this the crowd started to get tired and dispersed… but being the little pyros we are ...we kept on lighting.

All of a sudden a black Jimmy pulls up completely blocking my aunts driveway and out jump three ghetto ass black girls and a big burly ass Mexican chick wearing a hoody some baggy ass pants and a due rag…obviously a bull dike. So my uncle walks down the driveway and politely tells the broad who was driving to please get her piece of shit out of his driveway. The chick smiles flips my uncle the bird and says “ fuck you… I’ll move it when I want to “ .. Bad fuckin move… My aunt hears her say this and she fucking loses it. I cant remember exactly how the following conversation went but there were quite a few 4 letter words used and more that one threat to call the cops. So after about 5 minutes of this the chick takes off to catch up with her friends leaving her car there.

Naturally… my aunt instantly calls the police. While shes on the phone I calmly walk to the back of the Jimmy grab the biggest fountain firework I can find and set if off right on top of the bumper. When the show was over my cousin and I grabed all the illegal fireworks we had laying around and ran into the house to stash them. When we came back out we open the door to find two of the chicks on either side of my aunt staring her down, my uncle at the end of the drive way with one chick by the hair, and the big burly Mexican chick barreling her way up the drive way to start some shit. So my cousin and I spring into action. I told him I would handle the two crazy bitches that had pinned my aunt in a corner while he handled the big dike coming up the drive way.

The two crazy bitches ran straight to the car as soon as I mentioned the police (they must have been on parole or sumthin) and the chick that my uncle had by the hair followed suit…minus some extensions. The big bitch on the other hand was a different story. When I turned around I see this chick stepping up to my cousin… and my cousin not being as gentlemanly as I am was cocked back getting ready to drop this beast like a ton of bricks. I didn’t see this ending well ….especially since the cops were on the way. So I stepped in between this rabid dike and my cousin in hopes that she would step down since Im a bigger guy than my cousin…. Boy was I wrong. This bitch had about 20lbs on me and she knew it... so she wasn’t about to back down like no punk.

So at this point I basically had two choices. I could (a) hit this dike in the face put her in the hospital and end up in jail (by now I had no qualms about hitting a girl… dikes are just men with out penises anyway) or (b) I could make a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation which might end with me getting a beat down by lesbian. Being the nice guy I am I chose B.

So I back off, put down my arms, looked her dead in the eyes and give this chick the biggest shit-eating grin you could ever imagine… However his seemed to enrage the beast even more… but I held my ground. It was then that I spoke the words that shall forever immortalize me in my families lineage. I took a step toward her and maintaining eye contact and said “ Hey…. you know what…. your kinda cute”. It was like someone hit her with a sock full of quarters. She stepped back stunned…shook out the cob webs, cocked a little smile and blushed harder than I have ever seen anyone blush in my life. Then she replied “hehe… thanks.. your pretty cute too” … Just then one of the chicks that was in the car jumped out grabbed the bull dike by the arm screaming “ LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THE COPS ARE COMING” … the bull dike eyes still locked on mine smiling like a teenage girl in love calmly replied “ no its cool… were ok… Hes cute huh?”. The chick stopped dead in her tracks looked at the dike like she completly lost it and said “ yeah hes cute… but you don’t like dick anyway! “.... and with that they gone.

FUCK YO COUCH!!!!

Darknesses.....Darknesses

T.P., Bubble Yum, and Hot Dogs

1. Caught a gay co-worker cleaning the mens room with a wad of T.P
2. Got the piss kicked out of me by a 50yr old man
3. Stuck a wad of Grape Bubble Yum in my sisters ear
4. Got most of the gum in her hair
5. Bit a cat
6. Sneezed on an old ladies neck
7. Was entertained for 30 minutes by a paperclip
8. Blew up a hot dog in my microwave
9. Smacked the shit out of a orangutan …..ok so it was just a guy that looked like an orangutan..I still smacked the fuck out of him
10. Got my hand caught in a copy machine


Fart Flavor of the Day: Hot chocolate and dead moose

God Im Such an Asshole!!!….as if you didn’t know that already

Let me just start off by saying that I feel like shit ran over twice right now. Whose ever idea it was to make dollar drink nights on Thursdays is a sadistic bastard and I hope they choke on their own genitalia.

So this morning in between taking naps at my desk and reading blogs, I decide that it might be a good idea to get some of the work that’s been sitting in my inbox done. Now Im bordering on retard status right now so the simplest of instructions need to be explained to be several times. For some reason today the words “add art to this page” completely baffled me and I soon found myself standing in a walkway asking one of the project coordinators to explain this cryptic text.

After several minutes of the coordinator staring at me like I just farted (which I did) and wondering how I was able to tie my own shoes this morning, we finally came to an understanding. But before I was able to turn around and make my way back to my desk the ground started to shake. Living in California all my life earthquakes aren’t really a big deal to me so I did what I normally do. I braced myself and I shouted “EARTHQUAKE” to warn my fellow coworkers who had not felt it yet. But for some strange reason even after my verbal alarm not one person moved… There was no stampeded to stand in the nearest door jam… not one soul made a motion to dive under their desk.. and to my disappointment there was no ducking or covering. Everyone just sat there motionless… staring at me with their mouths open.

At this point the only thing I could think was “Fuck me……..”… I knew what was coming… but still I had to turn around and marvel at the train wreck that I had just created. And when I turned around there she was.. all 4 feet 11 inches, 400 pounds of her staring me down like I just stole her last candy bar. I was speechless…….her resemblance to Tangina from Poltergeist was uncanny… I kept that observation to myself though. But now I was stuck I had to say something… so I took a deep breath…pulled back my shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and did what any gentleman in my position would do… I gave her back her candy bar and laughed so hard I peed myself.

Im so fired....

Cupcakes, Back Flips, and Boogers

1. I was thinking…I wonder if a Japanese kid was the first one to call a Cray Fish a Crawdad… “Hey rook they have sucha rittle craw Dad.”
2. Was hit in the back of the head with a shoe…that just so happened to be attached to someone’s foot
3. Proceeded to stick that same shoe up that someone’s ass
4. Ate the Burger King Eggnormous Omelet Sandwich for breakfast
5. Had a heart attack 5 minutes later (those fucking things have 1000 cals and 70 grams of fat)
6. Got ditched by my dad when I went to hang out with him on Fathers day
7. Ate the cupcakes my sister made him just to spite him
8. Determined I can no longer do a backflip
9. Learned that it is not a good idea to honk your horn at a policeman even if he does look like your friend
10. Learned that it really isnt a good idea to tell that police man he has a booger in his nose…even if you are just trying to help

Fart Flavor of the Day: Broccoli and toothpaste

What Blogger Am I?

today i will learn to use the power of qi…
i am prepared to harness its infinite power to move cigarette boxes and start small fires in my living room.
however my sefu does not believe i am ready to do so..

so i will revolt!
i will use jedi mind tricks to best him and subsequently exploit his knowledge to conquer the world.

once I amass my vast domain, i will then teach Nana the force… she can then make me breakfast whilst watching Jerry Springer.
it shall be grand!
_______________________

check the results on Mike's blog

Scooby Snacks, Windex and Burritos

1. Ate Scooby Snacks cereal for breakfast
2. Told a complete strange I loved him
3. K.O.ed my best friends brother
4. Sprayed Windex in my cousins face
5. Got someone else’s puke on my shirt
6. Was suckered into the great blogger swap of 2005…thanks Mike
7. Got chin checked by a 3 year old little girl…3 year olds can hit fuckin hard
8. Asked for a bite of my sisters burrito and ate half of it in one bite
9. Got the rest of the burrito thrown at my face
10. Ate the rest of the burrito…it was delicious

Fart Flavor of the Day: Mocha and string beans

-------------------------------------------------

Following in Grace's footsteps I will be offering a prize for whoever is my 10,000th hit. Simply email me a screen shot and in return I will send you super sweet pic of me (which is a pretty shitty prize) or a naked pic of my x girlfriend.

Good luck

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.4

The next day was to be spent at the then new Disney California Adventure park. At this point I just wanted to go home…the excitement and embarrassment from the preceding days events were far too great for any 18 year old to handle. But it was far from over.

Our day started off as any other family vacation would. Fist fights to see who got to take the first shower, dad stealing towels and shampoo from the maid cart, and a lovely continental breakfast in the lobby of our hotel. It was shaping up to be a good day.

After breakfast it was straight to the park. Luckily the line times at the California Adventure park weren’t nearly as long as the regular Disney Land lines. This was definitely a good thing because we no longer had the use of dad’s cripple pass. Apparently Disney won’t issue you a handicapped pass if you had two separate heart attacks on their rides in the same day… Go figure. So yeah the short line times were cool… that is until we realized that the reason the line times were so short was because Disney’s California Adventure sucks diseased baboon testicles.

But being the good sports that we are my sister and I decide to make the best of it. After a series of horrendous Disnsyfied carnival rides we found our way to the Fly Over California ride. It wasn’t spectacular or anything but it was defiantly something mom would enjoy. So after we exited the ride we snatched up mom and got right back in line leaving dad with his churro and frozen lemonade.

When we got off the ride we noticed dad wasn’t standing in the same place that he was when we left him. Fearing the worst we all scattered to look for him but before we got very far I spotted him sitting on a near by bench. As we began to approach dad I noticed he had a somewhat worried look on his face. As we drew nearer dad gingerly lifted himself off the bench and as soon as we got within an ear shot he shouted “We need to go….Now!”

Me: Ahhh fuck… you didn’t have another heart attack did you?

Dad: No…..

Me: Then why do me have to leave then?

Dad: *mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble*

Me: …….What?

Dad: * mumble, mumble, mumble* pants….

Me: Stop fucking mumbling and tell me what the hell happened!

Dad: I shit my pants!

Me: *sigh*……….God damn it dad

And that kids was the end of our vacation.

Skittles, Turds and Curly Fries

1. Smacked my friend in the crotch with a pool cue
2. Saw a fat drunk chick tackle her waiter and pillage his lifeless body for an order of curly fries
3. Watched an old lady run a stop light get pulled over and then drive into a ditch
4. Pooed out a turd in the shape of the Virgin Mary…(I’m totally going to hell for that one)
5. Realized that I was going to hell long before the Virgin Mary dookey
6. Discovered the words Pooed, Turd, and Dookey are not in the Microsoft Word Dictionary
7. Blew a snot bubble
8. Hit a co-worker in the tooth with a grape Skittle
9. Stuck my finger into a moving PC fan to see if it was still working…it worked…and it fucking hurt
10. Realized that I have no supervisor at work for the next 2 months…Party in my cube!!!!


Fart Flavor of the Day: Burnt marshmallow and anchovies

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.3

Before I continue with my story I should tell you all that my dad having a heart attack is fairly common occurrence in our household. The fucking guy has heart attacks like most people have birthday parties. In fact at the time of this story I think he was already up to his 5th or 6th heart attack within a 5 year time span. Im glad to say that dad is now up to 9 heart attacks, 3 heart stints, and a quadruple bypass surgery and has been heart attack free for whopping 6 months.

Ok …so back to my story

By the time we arrived at the ride exit there were already several EMTs waiting to throw heart attack boy onto a stretcher. Apparently the guy monitoring the ride had his eye on our log for a while because our fat asses were tripping all kinds of fault sensors along the ride. I guess when dad had his heart attack the guy saw him clutch his chest on one of the video cameras and immediately called for the Disneyland paramedics. Luckily for them Splash Mountain is fairly close to a first aid station, so the poor bastards that had to carry my dad didn’t hurt themselves too badly.

At this point I was so humiliated that most of the events that occurred past the heart attack I have conveniently blocked out of my memory. The only thing I recall was that while in the first aid station my dad convinced a 20 sumthin medical student that was he was fine… and get this…the dipshit let my dad go back into the park without calling an ambulance or anything. Fuckin retard.

Oh wait…I lied… I do remember one other thing from the first aid station… There was a midget that was brought in right after my dad with a bad case of heat stroke. It was fuckin awesome! The poor guy looked like a sweaty ass Oompa Loompa… But I digress.

By this point we were all ready to call it a day. Having your dad die in the happiest place on earth doesn’t exactly make for a good vacation story. However dad insisted that we stay at the park and he would just take it easy for the rest of the day. So my sister and I decide to go off on our own for a little bit while mom and dad chilled out and got dad another frozen lemonade and churro. Without the use of the cripple pass the line times were ri-god-damn-diculous. We fuckin waited 3.5 hours to get onto Space Mountain…so not worth it. There was no way around it… we needed dad and his cripple pass to get us on the rides… oh and some lunch… .I was fuckin starving.

By this time dad looked like he was doing ok. He had all his color back and was walking around like nothing ever happened. Still we wanted him to take it easy for a while so we devised a little plan. Dad would go with us to cut to the front of the line with his pass, but just as we were about to board the ride he would tell the ride operator he wasn’t feeling well and my sister and I would still get to go on the ride. Haha!!! It was fuckin genius!…We must have hit up like 10 rides in 2 hours. Our vacation was back on track!

I guess after a couple hours of nearly getting on rides dad began to get a little bit envious. He begged, pleaded and swore up and down that he was fine, and he just wanted to go on the Indiana Jones ride once. (which just so happens to be his favorite ride of all time) Considering that there weren’t any 100 foot drops or anything else that could possibly kill him we reluctantly decided to let him go. So we all stroll right to the front of the line being cursed along the way by the people who have been standing in line for hours, and 5minutes later we are on the ride. Everything was going great, Indy himself greeted us as we entered the temple and good ol dad was as giddy as homo at a Boy George concert. As we approached the snake pit dad looked right at my mom and said and I quote “I love this part”. Now I don’t know if in the 5 seconds that it took for him to say that and actually get to the part of the ride he loved so much, if he forgot what was coming up or just went completely brain dead. But as soon as the giant snake lunged out in front of out car dad had another fucking heart attack.

I know that this may sound fucked up but I was pissed. Not because I had to spend the remainder of that day hanging out in a hospital instead of hanging out with Goofy and Donald. Not because we were dumb enough to let him on a ride after the first heart attack. No… I was pissed because he had been on that ride at least 30 times and he knew damn well that snake was gonna jump out. Its not really something you can forget about either… it’s a big fucking snake and you can see it from a mile away before it even jumps out. Im still flabbergasted that he had a heart attack over that stupid shit… Sad thing is there was a lady that looked at least 145 sitting a row in front of us, and she didn’t even fucking flinch when the snake jumped out.

Anyway… dad was taken to the hospital stabilized and released a few hours later and that was pretty much day two of our vacation from hell. Stay tuned for day three… believe it or not dad still has a little something up his sleeve…and its not another heart attack.

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.2

It was about 2 years after the infamous Star Tours incident and Disney had just opened its California Adventure park. Since its practically a new theme park, my family and I decided it would be a good idea to just hang out at Disneyland for a couple of days and hit up both parks.

Because it was the only week that we could all get time off work, we ended up going around mid July. I guess this time of year is peak season for Disneyland because the place was fucking packed…I’m talking 2-3 hour waits for every damn ride in the park. Even the fuckin teacups had a 2 hour wait. Luckily my dad had just had a heart attack like a month earlier so he was now legally considered handicapped. Now I don’t know if anyone reading this has been to a theme park with a handicapped person, but let me just tell you it FUCKIN ROCKS! You basically get to cut to the front of any line and only wait like 5 minutes to get on the ride. So yeah… I highly suggest that next time you go to any theme park take a cripple with you.

Anyway…We must have been in the park all of 10 minutes and my sister decides that she wants to go on Splash Mountain which is on the complete opposite end of the park. So we make our way over to the ride and about half way there my dad is already winded. After stopping to get dad a frozen lemonade and a churro, we get to the ride. We immediately cut in front of everyone and we are on the ride within 3 minutes.

Let me just give you a quick summation of the Splash Mountain ride just in case you have never been. You’re basically on a log ride going through underground caves with cute little animatronic bunnies, turtles, and birds singing on either side of you. I must say its fuckin adorable. The only excitement from the ride comes in the form of 2 drops. The first one sucks ass…its only like one story fall and you can totally see it coming. The second drop on the other hand is fairly descent. 10-12 stories…sumthin like that…pretty cool for a Disney ride.

So with that in mind we all piled into one log and the ride starts. Now my mom, dad and I aren’t exactly the smallest people in the world, so naturally our fucking log starts scrapping and bottoming out throughout the entire ride. Our fucking log was dragging so much ass logs that left well after us caught up and were bumping into us. But this wasn’t nearly embarrassing enough.

Eventually we get to the greatly anticipated second drop. I was stoked. If there is one good thing about exceeding the weight limit on a log ride its that your gonna get one hell of a splash once you touch down. Only problem was that when our fat ass log hit the bottom of the drop instead of gently skidding on the surface of the water, ours fuckin slams down and damn near shoots my little sister right the fuck out. Well folks… I guess that impact was just a little too much for my dad because right there on Splash Mountain amongst all the cuddly animatronic critters my good ol dad has another heart attack.

To Be Continued…

Tag... I'm IT!

Three names I go by:
1. Lawrence
2. Larry
3. Lar

Three screen names that I have had:
1. xtreme78
2. cutedego78
3. kissmeimitalian

Three things I like about myself:
1. my sweet ass
2. my artistic ability
3. my sense of humor

Three things I don't like about myself:
1. too shy
2. too trusting
3. my legs are way to big

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Brazilian
2. Sicilian
3. Ewok

Three things that scare me:
1. carnies … they have small hands
2. Julia’s mom
3. my mom

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. food
2. water
3. porn

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. leopard skin thong
2. green spandex
3. a fake moustache

Three of my fave bands or musical artists:
1. Chaka Chan
2. John Tesh
3. Matisyahu.. the Hasidic Reggae Super Star

Three physical things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. willing to have sex with me

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Brazil
2. Tokyo
3. Endor

Three new things I want to try in the next 12 months:
1. find a job in So Cal
2. approach a pretty girl
3. start selling some of my art online

Three things I just can't do:
1. fart the National Anthem
2. eat sea urchin
3. shoot laser beams out of my eyes

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. sucker punch a midget
2. win the Lotto
3. kill a bear with a spork

Three celeb crushes:
1. Amerie
2. Kelly Hsu
3. Alf … he’s so dreamy

Jules, Mel ...you guys are IT!....no tag backs either!

5/20/05

1. Saw a guy at the gym try to hit on a chick and unknowingly walk right onto a treadmill going full speed
2. Saw the same guy get flung about 7 feet and put a hole in some dry wall with his ass
3. Had a 10 minute conversation with my dad about Monte Cristo sandwiches (he was high and I was humoring him so fuck off :P )
4. Got invited to a Barrrrrbeque
5. Was told that I have to bring my own eye patch
6. Ate all the blue M&Ms out of my coworkers candy dish
7. Have been humming the theme song to Caddy Shack all day
8. Printed out 6 reams of paper in the last 3 hours
9. Drew a monkey on my sisters cheek while she was sleeping
10. Spent way too much money on a tricked out Alien Ware laptop that completely castrates my desktop

5/18/05

Sorry I havent posted in a while guys... Been a crazy month

Anyhoo... heres 10 for ya

1. Jumped over the wall of my cubicle
2. Sneezed so hard I hit my head on my desk
3. Was intimidated by a 80 year old 90lb woman
4. Ripped some serious ass just as a coworker walked into my cubicle
5. Blamed the stench on the janitors not taking out my trash all week
6. Pretty sure she didn’t buy it
7. Tried to contain my laughter as she tried to explain her project to me while she gasped for air and her eyes watered
8. Came close to getting caught writing sexually explicit IMs
9. Went to eat lunch with Nana and found my dad sitting on the couch high on pain killers and wearing a Moo Moo (he just had shoulder surgery)
10. No really my dad is fuckin gone right now. He took like 2 Norco this morning and Im pretty sure he doesn’t know where he is right now. Earlier he was singing slave songs and babbling something about the cotton gin. I need to get me some of those pills.

Does anyone remember this song?

1, 2, 3,4, 5...6, 7, 8, 9, 10…11,12

Doooo do do do do do do do doo

1, 2, 3,4, 5…6, 7, 8, 9, 10..11,12

Doooo do do do do do do do doo

1, 2, 3,4, 5…6, 7, 8, 9, 10…11,twe-e-e-e-e-e-e-elve

The God Damn thing popped into my head this morning while I was working out and now its stuck. I hate you Sesame Street!

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.1

It was about 7 years ago and the family and I had just begun our then annual vacation to Disneyland, Universal Studios, and Knotts Berry Farm. It was a lovely summer afternoon in Disneyland and we had just finished getting an exquisite case of whiplash on one of the greatest theme park rides of all time…Star Tours *Queue Star Wars opening theme music*. As always we were the last ones off the ride because my genius sister couldn’t figure out how to unbuckle her safety belt. So after about 5 minutes of her struggling with the clasp I reluctantly decide to help her out so we can hurry the fuck up and get in line for Space Mountain.

As we made our way down the exit ramp I turn around to say something to my dad and I noticed the fucker was at least 30 feet behind us. The four of us were the only people on the exit ramp so there was no reason for him to be so damn far behind. So I started back up the ramp and yelled at the fat boy to stop fiddle farting around and speed the fuck up so we can go on Space Mountain… it didn’t take me too long after that to notice the big shit eating grin that had just come over his face . Now I’ve known this man my whole life and I have seen this grin on more than one occasion. So knowing full well of the chaos about to ensue I turned right the fuck back around and tried to catch up to my mom and sister.

No sooner that I turned my back, dad unleashed the loudest wettest fart to ever pass through a human beings ass cheeks. It sounded like a god damn foghorn drowning in a vat of shampoo. Even now 7 years later I’m not quite sure how to describe the extent of this fart…it was almost as if it had its own soul… I mean the fucking thing literally shook the ground Christ sake. Thinking back on it I’m surprised the fucking guy didn’t blow the ass out his pants or shit himself.

Anyway little did my numb nuts father realize that the second he opened the very gates of hell, the next group of people just got off the ride and were making their way down the exit ramp. Poor bastards didn’t even know what hit them. It looked like they walked into an invisible brick wall.

I was fucking mortified… The only thing I could think to do was run. I know…it may have looked more incriminating running away, but Im pretty sure that everyone that walked into that fart cloud couldn’t see for at least 15-20 minutes afterward... so I think I was OK. However the poor Japanese family that was first to walk into my dad’s gastronomic Hiroshima weren’t as fortunate. They died instantly as the intensity from the blast fused their bodies together with the walls of the Star Tours exit ramp.

A moment of silence please for all that lost their lives and sense of smell that tragic day

4/27/05

I’m getting entirely too much work done today, so here’s a quick 10.

1. Bit the shit out of the inside of my lip
2. Continue to bit the same fucking spot because its now swollen
3. Decided I want to be the next Pope… I bet he gets all kinds of poontang
4. Think Im going to take up smoking so I can take extra breaks
5. Watched an old lady blow through three stop signs… she might have died behind the wheel… I didn’t check
6. Lost control of a lougie while hocking it…it landed on my arm
7. Have a zit right between my eyes… I look Hindu
8. Got my shoe sprayed by a stink bug
9. Talked to Nana and she insisted that tomato sauce would get the smell out
10. I now smell like stink bug ass and ravioli

4/26/05

1. Slammed my finger in my car door
2. Drop kicked a cantaloupe
3. Decapitated several gummie bears
4. Poked my dad in the eye
5. Pee-pee tortured a spider that was in the urinal
6. Crashed a going away party for a coworker that I didn’t know
7. Ate all of the sushi at the going away party
8. Had to pull 3 fuses to get my car alarm to turn off
9. Ate a bowl of Life cereal for lunch
10. Put the milk in the cupboard

Weekend

1. Saw two sea otters humping
2. Listened to a guy with an afro and a bowtie talk about hoe much he “enjoyed gang showers” in front of a packed church
3. Told an old lady I had a sex change when she approached me about wearing Grace and Julia’s name tags at their reunion
4. Drove drunk through a Mc Donald’s Drive through
5. Quoted Lil John several times while ordering our second free Big Mac…. YEEEAHHHH!….. WHAT!!!…. OK!!!
6. Went to the restaurant across the street from my apartment for the first time… I had eggs benedict… It was delicious
7. Slept until 4pm after having breakfast with Grace Steve and Jules
8. Hit my sisters boyfriend with a 4x4
9. Watched the Cartoon and Discovery channels for the remainder of the weekend
10. This man is a genius

My Blogger Weekend

On the Way to the BBQ

1. Woke up at 10am, showered, shaved, dressed and was on the road by 10:15
2. Ate a nasty ass gas station chicken samich (im pretty sure it was seagull) and drank 3 Rockstars
3. Watched a dog jump out of the bed of a speeding truck
4. Saw a guy on a bike face plant while trying to do an endo in traffic
5. Drove through a 6.1 earthquake and didn’t even feel it
6. Got passed like I was standing still by a fucking minivan while I was going around 115 mph
7. Sent 20,000 bugs to their final resting place….my windshield
8. Had the same guy following me on the freeway for around 200 miles
9. Was kinda upset when he finally exited … I felt like we bonded
10. Arrived in Grace and Steve’s place at 3pm and promptly downed my first of many beers

@ The BBQ

1. Met Mike, Nina, and LE for the fist time.
a.Mike is like the frat brother that I never had
b.Nina is cool as fuck and swears like a sailor with Torrets which makes her that much cooler
c. Didn’t talk to LE much because she was making out with her man the whole time ;P… Just playin. LE is awesome and has the coolest glasses ever.
Mel and Jeanette were there also... like I said.... both HOT!
2. Watched part of Howls Moving Castle… someone was on some serious acid while making that movie
3. Learned that Mike is in fact the Illest…. he has the shirt to prove it
4. Shot myself in the eye with a Coors while preparing to shotgun it
5. Shotgunned the Coors right the fuck up my nose
6. Learned my new favorite word from Nina… the word is Tunaloaf. As in “I hate that fucking Tunaloaf bitch”… Spread the news!
7. Watched Mel “spit snot out of her nose”
8. Learned that Mel already had tickets to the gun show
9. Ate some Costco cheesecake…it was delicious
10.Almost got to see Mel in a bikini but Grace ruined it by passing out… thanks Grace ;P

The Ride Home

1. Determined that listing to a comedy CD in the car while in heavy traffic is not the best way to convince people your sane.
2. Accidentally tried to play an video CD Steve burned in my car deck…it didn’t work
3. Ate a bag of cheddar cheese goldfish, a banana, some cheezeits, a brioche, and a mini pound cake on the way home. Thanks again for the healthy snacks Grace
4. Ran over a fucking wooden barrel… Im still trying to figure WTF a wooden barrel doing in the middle of the freeway. I didn’t even know they still made wooden barrels
5. Almost got into a fight with an old lady that swooped on my gas pump
6. Dodged a mattress that flew out the back of a truck
7. Played lets see how far I can drive using only my knees
8. My record is 115 miles… beat that high score fuckers!
9. Saw a bird get obliterated by a semi
10.Had both of my ass cheeks fall asleep on me at the same time

Thanks again Steve and Grace... As always I had a great time!

Blogger can suck.....my balls

I was going to post this on Friday but fuckin Blogger was down …. I hate you Blogger. Anyhoo here it is

1. Saw a guy walking in the rain with headphones, a blue and white striped dress shirt, brown fanny pack, bright green shorts, white and orange polka dot socks, and ox blood colored loafers.
2. Heard someone eating what I can only assume were potato chips while taking a doo-doo in the men’s room
3. Had a bird shit on my arm the second I stepped out of my car
4. Fell off a stationary bike
5. Fried my motherboard on my PC by installing a stick of memory
6. Accidentally broke both ears off Nana’s terracotta bunny… it now looks like a terracotta gopher
7. Got hit in the ear with a cinnamon raisin bagel
8. Listed to my grossly overweight coworker in the cubicle across from me talk about getting a pap smear… I think she’s looking forward to it
9. Have had my headphones on listening to the Prince and Michael Jackson anthologies on Itunes to avoid hearing Jaba over here talking about her poonie
10. No I don’t think Michael Jackson’s guilty, he made Thriller………Thriller

4/1-4/4/05

1. Got shitfaced at a Filipino 1st birthday party
2. Realized that I was in good shape compared to just about everyone else at the party
3. Watched my buddy Joe score a 96 after singing karaoke to Careless Whispers
4. Was offered some Balut (Duck fetus)
5. Came close to eating it until I realized I was going to eat a fucking duck fetus…It had little feathers and a beak for Christ sake!
6. Went to see Sin City…it was Awesome!.. I will marry Jessica Alba one day
7. Got a drunk call from Grace and Mel ….yes it was one of the highlights of my weekend so fuck off
8. Decided I need to stop fucking around and move down south… I hate Monterey…allot!
9. Got a job offer to be a cop
10.Contemplated it for a little while until I realized that I would totally abuse my authority. Id be pulling over cute chicks all day.

Blog Abuse

Sorry I havent posted in a while guys...I'm being worked harder than a 5 year old cambodian girl in a Nike sweat shop right now. Anyway I felt like Ive been leaving you all hanging so here is a few things Ive done over last weekend and this week

1. Listed to a New Edition countdown on the radio while driving to Irvine. Johnnie Gill was hosting
2. Spent the weekend at Steve and Grace's place. They have to be the best hosts EVER!! Its gonna be damn near impossible for me to even come close to being as good of a host when they stay at my place. I think some strippers and Snickers may do the trick though
3. Met Mel and Jeanette. Jeanette is like 7'4" and Mel is around 4'7"... both are seriously hot.
4. Ate at Roscoe's chicken and waffles for lunch 2 days in a row (btw good call on the Mac and cheese Mel)
5. Thought I was going to get my waffle jacked by an extremely large black man
6. Gained 4 lbs. in 3 days. Thank you Grace and Roscoe's!
7. Gave Joe some more soju shots. Unfortunately there was no dancing around the living room this time
8. Possibly watched the best music video ever made! This video is totally taking #1 on TRL this week
9. Saw a cocker spaniel eating a pink Easter bunny
10.Witnessed my mom's hot water heater fly through the living room wall while I was watching South Park

3/23/05

1. Decided to keep and daddy long legs that has been living in my bedroom as a pet…I named him Lester
2. Watched Lester fall off the wall several times… I think he might have Downs syndrome
3. Packed my bags to go visit Grace and Steve this weekend
4. Heard a coworker get reprimanded for coming into work 10 minutes late from a supervisor that comes in an hour + late….every day
5. Think I have become brain washed by the Burger King Tender crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch commercial… I must have one!
6. Made plans to stop by Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles before heading to Grace and Steve’s
7. Will be going to Circuit City first thing tomorrow morning to buy the Chappelle Show Season 2 DVD
8. Have eaten 2lbs. of turkey in 2 days
9. Will be quitting my job to pursue a career as a ninja
10. Found a booger that I’m %99.9 wasn’t mine on my keyboard

Quick Story

So Friday night after working out, my buddy and I decide to go meet up with some friends at Benihanas for some all you can eat sushi. Now granted this isn’t the worlds greatest sushi, but its all you can eat… so we more than make up for the quality by eating ungodly amounts.

Now this group of friends and I have been going to this Benihanas every weekend for close to a year, so as you can imagine we are pretty well known by most of the staff. There is one waitress/ hostess in particular though that my buddy Chris and I have became a little more friendly with…mainly because she is a cute Vietnamese chick and Chris and I both have a thing for asian girls. Every time we go in she comes by our table sits, flirts then goes back to work. The first few times this happened when we first started frequenting the place I told my buddy Chris that the next time she did it I was just going to ask her out. Turns out Chris had beat me to the punch but was crushed to find out that she was only 17.

Long story short months have passed since then she’s now 18 and has been flirting allot more than usual. So back to Friday night… Like was I saying we had just finished doing an arm working out, left the gym, showered and went straight over to the restaurant. Now Im not sure how many of you all seriously work out, but after lifting weights hard you get something called muscle pump. This is basically when your muscles become engorged with blood and look allot bigger than usual.(Grace, Jules, Mel…that’s not what I meant you pervs :P) Now I have descent size arms to begin with, but I had a really good pump going Friday night so my arms were looking HUGE!

As usual we walk in say hi to everyone and promptly put in our orders. Id say it was about 5 minutes later and here comes the cute asian girl right on queue. She sits down next to me, we talk for a minute or two, she feels on my arms then goes back to work. So about 2 hours later we finish eating and I decide I have to go to the little boys room. I get up from the table, do my business and when I come back everyone starts laughing at me. I immediately start freaking out I check to see if my fly is up, look for any pee pee leakage on my jeans…nope, nothing I was good. So I ask them what the fuck is so funny.

I guess when I was in the bathroom the cute asian chick sits down next to my friend Nate and proceeds to tell him that she thought I looked really cute tonight. So being the good guy that he is Nate tries to build me up a little bit and says “ yeah… his arms are looking quite large this evening”. (This is where my luck kicks in) So cute asian chick immediately replies “yeah my friend over there hasn’t shut up about him all night”. So seeing that cute asian chick was obviously trying to hook up her friend, Nate asks “Really…which one is she”…. “Oh… hes the one over there with the flat top… his name is Josh”

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!…Never fails.

3/14/05

1. Ate Chippotle chicken burritos for lunch and dinner on Saturday
2. Hit my friend in the eye with an Equal packet
3. Have been trying to loose weight for an upcoming tournament this June, and have succeeded in gaining 10 lbs. in the process
4. Realized the 10 extra lbs. Is actually muscle which is going to make it about 20 times harder to loose the weight
5. Got stuck while taking my shirt off for about 3 minutes because it is now too small
6. Played Devil May Cry 3 for 10 hours straight and am only about half way through the game
7. Had dinner with my cousin and her two Satan spawn
8. Was threatened with a kick to the groin by the little bastards unless I played ring around the rosie with them
9. Furthered my humiliation by playing GI Joe against My Little Ponie with her son and saying “I used to have GI Joes when I was a kid, but I had allot more He-man figures”
10. Felt like an old fart when the little shit replied “What’s He-man?”

3/09/05

1. Had a gay coworker tell me he was sorry for being “such a banana”…I was speechless
2. Ate a muffin that tasted like fruit loops
3. Will being lobbying to pass a new law banning obese white women from wearing dashikis to work
4. Have a pimple on my head that I believe may be my conjoined twin
5. Spent over $100 on bodybuilding supplements that taste like shit
6. Planned my next trip down to So Cal (We are coming the weekend of 5/20 Grace, you bring the kimchee I’ll bring the Korean 40s)
7. Burnt my grilled cheese sandwich
8. Ripped a good hunk of skin off my hand and didn’t realize I did it until I saw the blood on my shirt
9. Watched one of my coworkers loose it in a meeting throw his pen then storm out of the conference room
10. Almost fuckin peed myself when my supervisor said “Man…what an asshole”

3/04-03/06/05

1. Got a rental Buick LeSaber while my windshield is being repaired
2. Discovered that the LeSaber has anti-poontang capabilities...however I have yet to figure out how to turn this feature off
3. Learned that it is surprisingly easy to get sideways in a LeSaber
4. Found that LeSabers make less than adequate off road vehicles
5. Declared Jihad on 7-11 for not having a Slurpee dispenser
6. Found that declaring Jihad on 7-11 for any reason is not a good idea
7. . Learned that calling your waitress at El Torrito Consuelo when her name is actually Jennifer is not smart
8. Pinned a drunk guy that shoved my friend in the bathroom of a night club for 15 minutes
9. Gave my parents a $1,000+ surround sound system for their new T.V.
10. Came close to strangling my mom when she bitched about having to buy a set of $20 cables to hook it up

10 Things Monkeys Can Do That People Cant

1. Masturbate in public
2. Have a hairy back and chicks still consider them cute
3. Go to a funeral naked and cheer people up
4. Wear a diaper into their late into their 20s and it be perfectly acceptable
5. Urinate on their boss without getting fired
6. Throw poop
7. Dance with a funny little hat to an organ grinder…and make money in the process
8. Throw poop
9. Climb a skyscraper kidnap a women, then knock airplanes out of the sky with their bare hands
10. Commit any crime and have it be considered adorable

“Ohh.. look at the cute little monkey carrying a 10lb brick of hash…how darling”

“Awweee…look at that monkey, it just stabbed that elderly women in the ear with a screwdriver…isn’t that sweet?”

“Look at the silly monkey mommy… it just stole that mans wallet and bit his cheek off, can we take it home?

*Sigh* ..What I wouldnt give to be a monkey

2/26-03/01/05

1. Got a new roommate…His name is Dave…He likes golf
2. Saw two chickens fighting on the side of a freeway exit
3. Got a drunk call from Grace and heard Steve singing “Jesse’s girl” in the background
4. Think Steve has the talent to be bigger than Michael Jackson…and darker
5. Saw a 70 year old Russian man smack the piss out of his steroid monster son at the gym
6. Had a sasquatch sighting at the mall
7. Came back from a work out to find my rear windshield smashed in by a baseball
8. Had the cop that took down the report lie for me and put it down as vandalism so my insurance would cover it
9. Am driving around with a garbage bag and duct tape as a rear windshield replacement
10. Drank a 24oz beer with my supervisor at lunch…it made the rest of the day fly buy

2/25/05

1. Burnt the hell out of two of my fingers on my cloths iron
2. Was hit on by a chick that Im pretty sure was half weremonkey
3. Just noticed Ive been walking around with my fly down all day
4. Have came to the conclusion that my metabolism is retarded…Ive ben hungry even when Im eating
5. Ran into a closed door
6. Missed a step and ate shit walking up the stairs
7. Have an eyelash in my eye that I cant fucking get out… Ive been rubbing it so much it looks like I have pink eye
8. Spent the last 5 hours pretending to do work
9. Stabbed my dad in the hand with a chopstick
10. If one more person sneaks up me while Im working Im gonna punch them in the larynx

2/23/05

1. Farted in a full gym while I was doing squats
2. Immediately blamed it on my workout partner
3. Learned that I am the worlds greatest butt ventriloquist because everyone gave him dirty looks
4. Saw a 70ish women wearing a Japanese school girl uniform…Im pretty sure she ruined that fantasy for me forever
5. Was told in detail about how one of my coworkers was up all night with food poisoning puking and shitting his guts out…I met this guy once
6. Had my cottage cheese and fruit stolen from the work fridge…Mother fucker had the nerve to eat it then put the empty container back
7. Heard someone in the men’s room hyperventilating in one of the stalls…Im guessing he didn’t have enough fiber in his diet
8. Decided that I need to et a haircut because Im starting to look like a fuckin sea otter
9. Tried to sign up for training classes at work and was given the wrong information no less than 6 times.
10. Gave up… Fuck em… it they want me to learn this shit they can sign me up

2/19-2/21/05

1. Went out with my pain in the ass X on Friday night because she was “in town”
2. Found out much too late that what she meant by “in town” was she’s living in Monterey again…Fuck Im a retard!
3. Caught my goldfish (Jose) doing what I can only assume was masturbating while I was watching the Discovery channel
4. Made a trip to Pet Smart to buy Jose a piece of ass
5. Was told that I should ask to “ purchase a female fish” not “ buy some fish poontang”
6. Learned that the 14 year olds they hire at Pet Smart take their jobs very seriously
7. Ate a Big Mac for the first time in about 4 years
8. Was immediately reminded why it has been 4 years…Im pretty sure I had a slight heart attack on my second bite
9. Got invited to my buddy Johnnie 5’s parent’s house (who don’t speak English) for some homemade Korean BBQ.
10. Spent 2 hours eating in awkward silence…the food was awesome though!

2/18/05

1. Came about 1/4in. away from hitting a motorcycle with my car (I hate when fuckers with bikes park them in a regular parking spot)
2. Went over Nana’s to have lunch only to find her sitting there in a cast with a broken foot
3. Was blamed for breaking Nana’s foot
4. Have spent the last 7 hours renaming files…Im bout ready to gouge my eyes out with a hot soldering iron
5. Am pretty sure someone died in the mens room…I could smell death through 3 sets of doors
6. Had a complete stranger try to start a conversation with me while I was trying to make pee-pee
7. Just found some Whoppers in my desk drawer..YAY!
8. Got a late valentine that says the following “Happy Valentines day from a big fish in a small tank” WTF is that supposed to mean? Condescending bitch!
9. Heard “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by the Blue Oyster Cult playing in the cubicle next to mine
10. Yelled out “More Cowbell!!!” … again no one got it… I really need to keep the comments to myself

2/16/05

1. Did my first heavy leg workout in about 6 months last night…my legs no longer function properly
2. Watched a low-rider hit a dip at about 50mph and take off his front end
3. Just found out a girl I dated in high school is now a lesbian
4. Wasn’t quite sure if I should be upset because I missed out on a potential 3way, or worried that I may have played a part in her defection.
5. Learned that knowing how to curse in Spanish does not qualify me as being bilingual
6. Found out that I know I supervisors daughter and she is a whore…I didn’t feel the need to tell him that little tid bit though
7. Dropped some chocolate mocha protein shake on my leg…Now it looks like I shit the front of my pants
8. Contemplated calling my supervisor to see if I can go home
9. Had my legs collapse from under me while I was walking down the stairs…stupid squats
10.Downloaded some audio books to listen to at work…I know Im a fucking geek

2/15/05

1. Ate kimchee for breakfast
2. Was sent a Playboy subscription promo at my parents address
3. Heard the woman in the cubicle next to mine call her supervisor and say “I have to go home because I just shit my pants”
4. Had to leave the room and couldn’t breath for 5 minutes because I was laughing so hard
5. Got a valentine from my little sis…it made my day
6. Threw a water bottle at her about 5 minutes after she gave me the valentine
7. Have had “Lets Stay Together” by Al Green in my head all day
8. Watched Nana put a metal pot in the microwave, set it for 5 minutes then walk away.
9. Was unsuccessful convincing Nana that she was the one who put the pot in the microwave not me.
10. Had my balls busted for my entire lunch break by my mom and Nana for putting a pot in the microwave

Saint Valentines Date Massacre

Hello children. Im going to take a break from my usual 10 things format today to bring you all the tale of my date on Friday night…a beautiful tale filled with love and romance…errrr….or something like that.

About 2 weeks ago in a land not too far away, there lived a handsome prince. Now our prince had pretty much every thing he could have wanted in life a nice carriage, a sweet castle, a good job and loving friends and family. But despite the prince’s wealth there was still something missing that kept him from being truly happy and that was a princess. You see the prince had courted his share of fair maidens, but due to a curse put on him at birth every maiden that he had courted ended up having serious issues. This left the prince sad and alone.

One day one of the princes most trusted knights approached him and told him that they would both be attending a ball later that night. The prince was hesitant at first because he had an exciting weekend of playing PS2 planned, but after some coercion the prince reluctantly agreed to go.

When they arrived at the ball the prince and knight both grabbed an ale and began to survey all of the fair maidens in attendance. Soon the knight and prince began to entertain the idea of leaving the ball because none of the maidens really caught either of their fancy… but just as they were about to depart, in walked three beautiful maidens all with lovely badonkadonks. At that moment the prince and the knight looked at each other and agreed that they would stay for just a bit longer.

As the night progressed the prince and the knight pounded several more ales but yet neither or them made any attempts to introduce themselves to the beautiful maidens. You see as handsome as the prince and knight were, they were both very shy and rarely approached beautiful women. But this night the barkeep must have poured a courage potion in the prince’s ale because with just a mere suggestion from the knight the prince introduced himself to the maidens. There was one maiden in particular though that the prince found very attractive so he focused most of attention towards her. As the night progressed the prince and the maiden talked and drank and had a lovely time. They eventually ended up on the dance floor where they began to dry hump and grope each other excessively, this made the prince very happy indeed.
At the stroke of 1:30 out of the darkness and without warning the fair maidens evil step cousins pounced. They said that she must return to their kingdom or else the her father would become enraged. The prince was quite upset to see this turn of events. You see the prince was already making plans to take the maiden back to his castle and show her the royal jewels. But alas all the prince was able to get that night was her phone number.

The days went on and the prince and maiden spoke several times throughout the week. It turned out the prince and maiden had surprisingly allot in common. Now confident that the maiden was diggin him, the prince thought that it may be time to ask the maiden out on a date. She happily accepted, and it was decided that they would travel to the kingdom of Outback Steak House to feast and then maybe see a play afterwards.

The night of the date arrived faster the prince had expected, but fortunately he had prepared for it days in advance. He made sure his carriage and castle were clean, his shirt was pressed and his face shaven. Now the time had finally come to pick up the maiden. After getting lost on the way the prince finally arrived at the maiden’s castle in the fuckin cuts of the kingdom of Salinas. The prince opened the door to his carriage for his maiden fair and off they went for a lovely sunset ride through the countryside. Conversation was nice at first, that was until the maiden spotted a little pendant hanging from the rearview mirror of the prince’s carriage. “What is this? “ the maiden asked curiously. “ Oh that’s a Saint Michael pendant” replied the prince “ Oh..” said the maiden…then silence. The prince continued trying to make conversation but the only replies he got in return were short and abrupt comments such as “yes”, “no”, and “go fuck yourself”. Something was obviously amiss.

A short time later the prince and maiden arrived at their destination. Hoping that the maiden was just being a bitch because she was hungry or on her rag, the prince once again attempted to make conversation. Still no go. Finally giving up on the whole situation the prince turned his attention toward his steak and the endless loafs of bread that the waiter brought.

Then all of a sudden the maiden spoke. “So your Catholic?” she hissed “Ummm yeah …why… what religion are you?” the prince answered confused. Now the prince wasn’t the suavest guy on the planet but he knew that it isn’t polite to talk about religion on the first date… the maiden obviously didn’t get that memo. “Jehovah’s Witness!!” she exclaimed. “Ahhh fuck me!!” the prince whispered under his breath. The prince had many friends that were Jehovah’s Witness in the past, and one thing that he learned in that time was that when a Jehovah’s Witness starts to talk about religion your not getting one word in edgewise. So for the next hour the prince endured insults on his sexual activity, his non-involvement in the church, and I think she even may have called me a blasphemer at one point…I wasn’t really paying attention so Im not sure…I mean the prince wasn’t paying attention.

When dinner was over the prince again opened the door to his carriage for the maiden and proceeded to drive the crazy bitch back home as fast as the carriage would carry them.

The End

Well there ya go guys, no nookie,..not even a kiss. Just a crazy ass broad and a steak...that was my so called Valentines date. So now here I sit on Valentines day alone, bitter and horny as hell. I think I going to petition for a new holiday to be celebrated on February 15. It shall be called “Punch anyone with a Valentine in the face day” that way the rest of us have a pointless holiday to look forward to…Damn I really need to get laid.

Anyways Happy V-Day Blogger land!… Hope you all are having more sex than I am.

My week thus far (For Mel and Grace)

1. Dropped 500 lbs. on my shin…I now have a third knee
2. Was outsmarted by a Bowflex
3. Farted on my sisters arm
4. Learned that I cannot successfully perform a Hadooken
5. Convinced my 96 year old aunt that I was President of the United States
6. “Accidentally” kicked my 96 year old aunts cane out from under her... ( she deseved it…shes a mean old lady and she would have done the same thing to me if given the chance)
7. Was bitch slapped by Nana…twice
8. Found out old people can hit pretty fucking hard if provoked…she hit me in the eye with her ring to boot
9. Called my dad a “fat whore”
10.Got me a date tomorrow…fuck yeah!...its about damn time!

2/4-2/6/05

1. Got hammered with my high school football coach
2. Was offered a coaching position
3. Went downtown for the first time ever by myself because I was bored out of my fucking mind
4. Found an orange that was the back of my fridge that was in there for God knows how long…it looked like a briquette
5. Threw a spoiled carton of milk off a 3 story building
6. Followed it up with a frozen chicken
7. Gave my best friends step son an ass beating
8. Was given a Cuban cigar by my best friend as a reward for beating his step son
9. Grabbed a grown mans nipple
10.WORSE SUPERBOWL EVER!!!!

2/2/05

1. Woke up to “ I Got You Babe” playing on my alarm clock
2. Was surprised by a cold shower
3. Ran into my old buddy Ned Ryerson
4. Stepped in a deep ass puddle
5. Had a snowball fight with some punk kids
6. Caught an ungrateful little shit who fell out of a tree
7. Correctly answered every question on Jeopardy
8. Took a bath with a toaster
9. Kidnapped Punxsutawney Phil and drove off a cliff
10. Gave a bum mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

2/1/05

1. Tried to make eggseronious
2. Was able to fully extend my arm without whimpering like a 5 year old little girl who scraped her knee
3. Came a couple inches away from being hit by a garbage truck because the dumb bitch in front of me stopped in an intersection
4. Reminded my dad he was fat…just in case he forgot
5. Saw a 400+lb man riding a Vespa
6. Was told that I have “nice pantsss” by a co-worker whom I assumed was heterosexual
7. Came home at lunch to find that my goldfish Fluffy had committed suicide
8. Gave Fluffy a burial at sea
9. Could have sworn I was given the bird by the Microsoft Word office assistant
10. Made the Blog Spotlight on Blogcatalog.com

1/28-1/30/05

1. Got a drunken phone call from my parents at 3am Saturday morning while they were in Reno
2. Discovered a bird had shit on my car windshield over night while it was parked in my car port
3. Got put in an arm lock and haven’t been able to fully extend my right arm since ( I look like Im doing the robot)
4. Elbowed the fucker who put me in the arm lock in the face
5. Got shit faced and called my buddies x girlfriend a “jiggley whore”
6. Confirmed my accusations when she asked me to go home with her later that night (I didn’t)
7. Was about a shot away from sleeping with my x girlfriends roommate
8. Returned the favor by calling my parents at 3am Sunday morning…they were still up
9. Put an Easter egg on my blog (see if you can find it… its not hard)
10. Came dangerously close to backhanding a complete stranger

1/27/05

1. Traumatized two Japanese children in the apartment across from mine by walking around my apartment naked with the blinds open.
2. Fully expecting to have indecent exposure charges pressed on me within the next few days
3. Ate a frozen waffle without toasting it
4. Caught my supervisor picking his nose
5. Didn’t know what to do when he started talking to me without showing any signs of stopping
6. Went to Bubba Gumps for lunch with a couple friends
7. When the Hostess asked “How can I help you all?” I told her “Large Marge sent us”…she didn’t get it
8. Learned not to make obscure movie references to strangers
9. Damn near crapped my pants when the waitress sat down and introduced herself as Margie…and you guessed it… she was a big girl
10. Made a mental note to never go back to Bubba Gumps…EVER!

1/26/05

1. Fell getting out of bed
2. Iced my quad to shrink the yellow and green bruise I got from taking a mean heel kick to it last night
3. Took 15 Tylenol PM
4. Dozed off at my desk once for each Tylenol taken
5. Went into a meeting completely unprepared and came out of it looking like a hero
6. Was cut off in traffic by a 96 year old women in a brand new Corvette Z06
7. Saw spinners on a 1984 Buick station wagon
8. Hit my sister in the eye with a piece of licorice
9. Was asked by Nana how I got a bruise on my jaw
10. Told Nana “It was that gorilla what escaped from the zoo” (Shhh...Nana doesnt know I fight)

1/25/05

1. Began my search for ANOTHER fucking roommate
2. Lost my check book
3. Spent 5 hours in a meeting that I didn’t need to be in
4. Insulted an entire department
5. Took 3 shots of vodka with lunch
6. Was called every male and female name in my family besides my own by Nana
7. Threw an orange out of a moving vehicle
8. Kicked a bunny statue down a flight of stairs
9. Will be going to San Jose to kick some teeth in after work
10. Posted a Monchhichi T-Shirts link for Grace and Mel