God Im Such an Asshole!!!….as if you didn’t know that already

Let me just start off by saying that I feel like shit ran over twice right now. Whose ever idea it was to make dollar drink nights on Thursdays is a sadistic bastard and I hope they choke on their own genitalia.

So this morning in between taking naps at my desk and reading blogs, I decide that it might be a good idea to get some of the work that’s been sitting in my inbox done. Now Im bordering on retard status right now so the simplest of instructions need to be explained to be several times. For some reason today the words “add art to this page” completely baffled me and I soon found myself standing in a walkway asking one of the project coordinators to explain this cryptic text.

After several minutes of the coordinator staring at me like I just farted (which I did) and wondering how I was able to tie my own shoes this morning, we finally came to an understanding. But before I was able to turn around and make my way back to my desk the ground started to shake. Living in California all my life earthquakes aren’t really a big deal to me so I did what I normally do. I braced myself and I shouted “EARTHQUAKE” to warn my fellow coworkers who had not felt it yet. But for some strange reason even after my verbal alarm not one person moved… There was no stampeded to stand in the nearest door jam… not one soul made a motion to dive under their desk.. and to my disappointment there was no ducking or covering. Everyone just sat there motionless… staring at me with their mouths open.

At this point the only thing I could think was “Fuck me……..”… I knew what was coming… but still I had to turn around and marvel at the train wreck that I had just created. And when I turned around there she was.. all 4 feet 11 inches, 400 pounds of her staring me down like I just stole her last candy bar. I was speechless…….her resemblance to Tangina from Poltergeist was uncanny… I kept that observation to myself though. But now I was stuck I had to say something… so I took a deep breath…pulled back my shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and did what any gentleman in my position would do… I gave her back her candy bar and laughed so hard I peed myself.

Im so fired....