10 Things I Did Today

Friday, June 24, 2005

God Im Such an Asshole!!!….as if you didn’t know that already

Let me just start off by saying that I feel like shit ran over twice right now. Whose ever idea it was to make dollar drink nights on Thursdays is a sadistic bastard and I hope they choke on their own genitalia.

So this morning in between taking naps at my desk and reading blogs, I decide that it might be a good idea to get some of the work that’s been sitting in my inbox done. Now Im bordering on retard status right now so the simplest of instructions need to be explained to be several times. For some reason today the words “add art to this page” completely baffled me and I soon found myself standing in a walkway asking one of the project coordinators to explain this cryptic text.

After several minutes of the coordinator staring at me like I just farted (which I did) and wondering how I was able to tie my own shoes this morning, we finally came to an understanding. But before I was able to turn around and make my way back to my desk the ground started to shake. Living in California all my life earthquakes aren’t really a big deal to me so I did what I normally do. I braced myself and I shouted “EARTHQUAKE” to warn my fellow coworkers who had not felt it yet. But for some strange reason even after my verbal alarm not one person moved… There was no stampeded to stand in the nearest door jam… not one soul made a motion to dive under their desk.. and to my disappointment there was no ducking or covering. Everyone just sat there motionless… staring at me with their mouths open.

At this point the only thing I could think was “Fuck me……..”… I knew what was coming… but still I had to turn around and marvel at the train wreck that I had just created. And when I turned around there she was.. all 4 feet 11 inches, 400 pounds of her staring me down like I just stole her last candy bar. I was speechless…….her resemblance to Tangina from Poltergeist was uncanny… I kept that observation to myself though. But now I was stuck I had to say something… so I took a deep breath…pulled back my shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and did what any gentleman in my position would do… I gave her back her candy bar and laughed so hard I peed myself.

Im so fired....


  • Long time reader....first time commenter :-)

    Had to come out of obscurity to say that your blog is the sole reason my cube neighbor looks at me like I'm a crazy person when I start snorting out loud at my desk. I too hate when I make an ass out of myself around my co-workers.

    By Blogger Sharon, at 12:44 PM  

  • OMG!!! You are so fucking funny! If you get hired, I will fire my assistant and hire you. Then when I come in hung over on Fridays, too, we can leave each other alone...

    By Blogger Mel Mega, at 2:31 PM  

  • Holy. Shit.

    That is... just...wow.

    you are fucking hilarious, my man.

    By Blogger Ali, at 2:48 PM  

  • you make me giggle you evil bastard, you.

    dollar drink night, huh? shit. why don't we have that shit here???

    By Blogger grace, at 4:27 PM  

  • Teehee...that's funny. If you don't mind living in 120 degree heat, Mike and I will adopt you...:)

    I so would have died...

    We don't even have dollar drink night here...fucker.

    By Blogger Nina, at 7:14 PM  

  • you're coming back as tangina in your next life, you know that?

    By Blogger Kis Lee, at 9:03 AM  

  • i'm convinced you make these things up

    no one can have this fun of a family AND regularly make an ass out of themselves at work and play

    By Blogger Marilyndrew, at 7:30 AM  

  • Sharon: Thanks for commenting. You should send your cube neighbor a link to my blog. Then when you start laughing you can say she/he made me laugh *pointing at your cube neighbor* then they will get fired and not you.

    Mel: SWEET!!!!... Can I stay at your place too? I promise I wont walk around naked...unless you want me to ;P

    Ali: Thanks..I try :)

    Grace: YES!!!...I love making you laugh at work.

    Dollar drink nights rock!.. You should visit Monterey on a Thursday

    Nina: Ummm...its cool Ill pass. Thanks for the offer though. I bitch and cry when its 80 degrees

    See you should move to Monterey... You can get SHIT FACED!!.. For like $10

    LE: Tangina was psychic.. I would love to be her in my next life. I would totally know if a girl thought I was hot or not

    MM: No way I could make this stuff up... Im not that smart

    By Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian, at 1:18 PM  

  • That is damning stuff my friend.

    By Blogger Jay, at 10:18 AM  

  • You sound like me. I'm in north carolina. but we have dollar night at one bar on tuesday. dollar night at antoher bar on wednesday and they have dueling pianos and they play all kinds of oldies from like when our age grew up... michael jackson, lynard skynard, oasis..etc... and everyone sings along. my favorite night ;)
    i work at a desk at a dealership, i'm a receptionist, and many of the first four hours are me sitting here trying to sleep. i have to get here at 7:30. that's crucial,,, and its always harder to comprehend anything other than sleep when ur hangovers are that bad. right there with ya, next time you are in the carolinas give me a call ;)

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