Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 1)

A couple months ago I get a call from my cousin JD

JD: Hey Lar.. you wanna go out to the lake this weekend?
Me: Uhhh… sure … I don’t have anything else going on.
JD: Cool… meet me at my place after work. You get the booze, I’ll get the gas for the boat, Jason and Drew will cover food, and Justin will get the camp site.
Me: Sounds like a plan…see ya after work

After work I headed to Safeway to get the weekends booze. My cousin and his friends haven’t really developed a taste for beer yet so they will pretty much drink anything to get drunk. With this being known I went for the cheapest piss water that I could possibly find. Just so happens that week 30 packs of Coors Light were on sale for $9.99..Score! We were going to be at the lake for a couple of days so I got 4 of the 30 packs for my cousin and his friends and a case of Gordon Beirsch for myself.

I got to my cousins place around 6pm. Pretty much everything was already packed up and ready to go… we just needed to wait for his buddy Justin to show up with the tents. 6:30 rolls around… no Justin, 7:00… no Justin…. the mother fucker finally shows up at 7:30 talking about he got caught up in traffic. This may have been a good excuse if we lived in a larger city but considering there is absolutely no traffic in Monterey we agreed that a punishment was in order. After giving Justin the ass beating of a lifetime then throwing him in the trunk we finally began our two hour drive.

In the two hours it took to get to the lake we ate half of our food ration for the weekend, got our windshield shattered by a rogue avocado, and had a cooler lid fly out of the boat knocking the side mirror of a BMW behind us. Oh yeah this was already shaping up to be a good weekend.

We finally got to the lake around 9:45 pm…by this time it was pitch fuckin black outside and most of the good camp sites had already been taken. It took us a good hour to finally find a camp site and damn near another hour to back the fucking boat into the spot. Those cold beers were looking mighty good about now.

By the time we got the boat situated it was close to midnight. Before we even lit a fire, set up a tent, or lit a lantern, we all shot gunned a few silver bullets for a job well done. Luckily it didn’t take long to set up camp (maybe 30 minutes). It probably could have been done in 15 but apparently setting up a tent with a beer in hand required more coordination any of us had.

12:30am and it was finally time for dinner. On the menu that night we had chili dogs, potato salad, and some ice cold beer. Sounds delicious doesn’t it? Just one little problem… no one brought a fucking can opener for the chili. I’ll be damned if I was going to have a chili dog without chili…that’s just plain out blasphemous! We were going to have to improvise.

Me: What the fuck do we have to open this can of chili?
Drew: I have some keys!
Me: Your retarded… drink you beer.
Jason: I have a pocket knife?
Me: Perfect …throw it here.

Imagine if you will. Larry 8 or 9 beers deep standing on top of a picnic table, beer in one hand… pocket knife in the other…stabbing the shit out of a can of chili. I know…not exactly one of my proudest moments… but after a few minutes of hacking, sawing, and cursing the can of chili I was finally able to extract the majority of its precious nectar.

We drank, ate, and bullshitted for hours. I blew through my case of beer faster than I had originally planned.. No biggie right? There should be plenty of Coors left.

Me: Hey J.. throw me a Coors
JD: ….Ummmm…..there is no more
Me: You gotta be fucking kidding me?…Let me look!

Sure as shit there wasn’t a one fucking beer left in the cooler. The little bastards tore through 120 beers in less than 3 hours. Impressive huh? Oh well fuck it… it was getting late anyway and we had a full day on the lake in the morning..it was time to call it a night. It became obvious really fast that I was the only one with this idea.

Justin: HEY…WHO WANTS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH??!!!
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now?.. Its 3am you fat shit!
Everyone else: I want one
Me:………Ahh fuck it… Ill have one too.

Guys… I shit you not. This chubby bastard made the best grilled cheese samich I have had in my LIFE! To start with instead of using only a couple pieces of cheese he used like 6 slices of Velveeta per samich. And his cooking style… well it was just a thing of beauty. This fat ass had the whole stick of butter in his hand and was basting one side of the sandwich while the other cooked. He was literally grating the butter on the toasted bread. It was awesome!

Now that we were completely hammered and out arteries sufficiently clogged we decided it was time to call it a night. I headed to the car to grab my sleeping bag while the rest of the guys put the food away so we didn’t get attacked by bears. On my way back to the tent two Rangers jump out at me from behind a tree like a couple of fucking ninjas. So I did what any drunk would do if they were being attacked by ninjas…I swung at the fuckers. Luckily for them they were able to use some kind of ninja magic and create three copies of themselves leaving my punch connecting with nothing but air. They were not happy.

Ninja Ranger: You guys need to go to sleep right now or your going to have to leave the park!!!!!
Me: We were going to sleep before you jumped out of the fucking trees at us!
JD: Haha…. You going to drive us home if you kick us out?
NR: What did you just say?
Me: Nothing… we’re going to sleep.
NR: NOW!

So we all got tucked in nice and tight and attempted to go to sleep.

JD: Gnite Larry, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Me: Gnite JD, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Justin: Gnite JD. Gnite Larry, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Jason: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Larry, Gnite Drew
Drew: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Larry

NR: YOU GUYS GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!!!!

Everyone (In unison) : GNITE RANGERS!!!!
Drew: We love you!

And with that we all fell into a drunken slumber.

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To Be Continued….