10 Things I Did Today

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Fireworks and a Dike Fight

IM BACK!!!. Sorry guys been really busy lately. Trying to cram in a ton of work over the last couple weeks so I can head down to Comic Con this weekend. Anyhoo in the spirit of Independence day I thought I’d share a little tale with you all about my 4th last year. Enjoy!
Time: July 4th 2004
Place: My aunts house Seaside Ca.

The day started out like most 4ths before it. In the back yard my dad and uncle stood around the grill polishing off their 3rd case of Pabst Blue Ribbon… paying more attention to the can pyramid they created rather than the meat they were cremating on the Webber. In the kitchen my aunt, mom and Nana were arguing about something insignificant as always… and true to form Nana got pissed off and hunkered down in the living room to further delaying dinner. And as for me… well me and my cousin were blowing up anything we could get our hands on in the front yard with our newly acquired arsenal of illegal fireworks we had secured from a trip to Wyoming just a few weeks earlier. So meat was burning, women were yelling, and all kinds of shit was getting blowed up good. It was shaping up to be a glorious 4th.

Several hours later the time that we had all been waiting for had arrived. Darkness had fallen and it was now time to light the $500 worth of California illegal fireworks. It was fucking spectacular!… The show we put on far rivaled that of the $10,000 display put on by the city. There must have been at least 100 people that had gathered around from the surrounding blocks to watch our show. We couldn’t light fireworks fast enough… we were lighting 5,6 at a time and we weren’t even putting dent in our stash. After about an hour and a half of this the crowd started to get tired and dispersed… but being the little pyros we are ...we kept on lighting.

All of a sudden a black Jimmy pulls up completely blocking my aunts driveway and out jump three ghetto ass black girls and a big burly ass Mexican chick wearing a hoody some baggy ass pants and a due rag…obviously a bull dike. So my uncle walks down the driveway and politely tells the broad who was driving to please get her piece of shit out of his driveway. The chick smiles flips my uncle the bird and says “ fuck you… I’ll move it when I want to “ .. Bad fuckin move… My aunt hears her say this and she fucking loses it. I cant remember exactly how the following conversation went but there were quite a few 4 letter words used and more that one threat to call the cops. So after about 5 minutes of this the chick takes off to catch up with her friends leaving her car there.

Naturally… my aunt instantly calls the police. While shes on the phone I calmly walk to the back of the Jimmy grab the biggest fountain firework I can find and set if off right on top of the bumper. When the show was over my cousin and I grabed all the illegal fireworks we had laying around and ran into the house to stash them. When we came back out we open the door to find two of the chicks on either side of my aunt staring her down, my uncle at the end of the drive way with one chick by the hair, and the big burly Mexican chick barreling her way up the drive way to start some shit. So my cousin and I spring into action. I told him I would handle the two crazy bitches that had pinned my aunt in a corner while he handled the big dike coming up the drive way.

The two crazy bitches ran straight to the car as soon as I mentioned the police (they must have been on parole or sumthin) and the chick that my uncle had by the hair followed suit…minus some extensions. The big bitch on the other hand was a different story. When I turned around I see this chick stepping up to my cousin… and my cousin not being as gentlemanly as I am was cocked back getting ready to drop this beast like a ton of bricks. I didn’t see this ending well ….especially since the cops were on the way. So I stepped in between this rabid dike and my cousin in hopes that she would step down since Im a bigger guy than my cousin…. Boy was I wrong. This bitch had about 20lbs on me and she knew it... so she wasn’t about to back down like no punk.

So at this point I basically had two choices. I could (a) hit this dike in the face put her in the hospital and end up in jail (by now I had no qualms about hitting a girl… dikes are just men with out penises anyway) or (b) I could make a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation which might end with me getting a beat down by lesbian. Being the nice guy I am I chose B.

So I back off, put down my arms, looked her dead in the eyes and give this chick the biggest shit-eating grin you could ever imagine… However his seemed to enrage the beast even more… but I held my ground. It was then that I spoke the words that shall forever immortalize me in my families lineage. I took a step toward her and maintaining eye contact and said “ Hey…. you know what…. your kinda cute”. It was like someone hit her with a sock full of quarters. She stepped back stunned…shook out the cob webs, cocked a little smile and blushed harder than I have ever seen anyone blush in my life. Then she replied “hehe… thanks.. your pretty cute too” … Just then one of the chicks that was in the car jumped out grabbed the bull dike by the arm screaming “ LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THE COPS ARE COMING” … the bull dike eyes still locked on mine smiling like a teenage girl in love calmly replied “ no its cool… were ok… Hes cute huh?”. The chick stopped dead in her tracks looked at the dike like she completly lost it and said “ yeah hes cute… but you don’t like dick anyway! “.... and with that they gone.


  • Yeah, i thought you were cute too...until i saw that pic of you and your couch...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:05 PM  

  • You have an exciting life. I could almost hear "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting" playing the background.

    By Blogger Juliabohemian, at 10:54 PM  

  • And why was I thinking.. you were going to say that you were going to stash the ill fireworks in thier car and stall them till the cops came....

    Nice Job.

    By Blogger Tina Jay, at 11:33 PM  

  • Classic! I love the line that was smart thinking. I once had an overly aggressive butch woman in a mosh pit thumping in opposite direction to the crowd sneer at me when I wouldn't put up with it and sneering "aww pretty girl" at me like this was an insult and she wanted to fight. So I looked her up and down in amazement and said "wtf, I thought you were a GUY!" ... took the wind out of her sails and seemed to be the biggest insult I could've come up with.

    By Blogger Blondie, at 12:22 AM  

  • I thought the same thing Tina did.

    You sound like a natural charmer, Larry. Stopping bull dikes in mid-charge is quite a feat. Maybe they'll put your story on Dave Chappelle's "Great Moments in Hook-up History."

    By Blogger Robert, at 7:57 AM  

  • HAHAHA! that's so awesome, lar...

    By Blogger grace, at 9:20 AM  

  • That's pretty good. I probably would've had to pack up and move to a new house!

    By Blogger PlatinumGirl, at 10:24 AM  

  • fine. how much can i pay you to come join your family?

    By Blogger Marilyndrew, at 12:10 PM  

  • I guess not even a bull-dyke can withstand your charms.
    You scalliwag!

    By Blogger Cece, at 1:54 PM  

  • Chicken~!
    Nah, that was cool what you did :)
    Great story!

    By Blogger Minona, at 9:48 PM  

  • i seriously wonder why you're still single...

    By Blogger Lester T., at 2:42 PM  

  • Erin: Wait a sec... I am cute. That was one of my buddies on the couch. i was taking the pic. Hes the ugly one not me ;p

    Julia:"Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting" WAS playing the background. I have a bad of midgets that follows me arround writing a score to my life

    Tina: No fucking way! If I would have stalled any longer that bull dike might have tried to make out with me

    Blondie: Are you sure she was insulted? By calling her a dude you probably paid her the biggest shes got in a while

    Robert: Let me tell ya man. Stoping a bull dike is not an easy task. I would rather jump infront of a speeding semi rather than go toe to toe with a bull dike

    Grace: Awesome that I didnt die or awesome that another man though I was cute? :P

    PG: Thank God it wasnt my house!

    MM: You can join for free... just as long as you protect me from the dikes ;P

    Cece: I actually have no charm at all. I used a jedi mind on her.. Dikes are weak to the powers of the force

    Minona: Na your totally right Iam a chicken shit. She was a huge bitch !

    Lester: I can tell you exactly why Im still single. Apparently the only chicks that are attracted to me are Lesbians ;P

    By Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian, at 10:48 AM  

  • oh. uhm. awesome that you didn't die. of course. uhm. yeah :P

    By Blogger grace, at 1:21 PM  

  • wow, saved by a cute face and a cheesy line. pretty cool.

    By Blogger LE, at 9:51 AM  

  • ur 4th sounds fun ;)
    mine was boring.. there was about 8 of me and my friends, we played cards, got drunks, got naked playing "circle of death" and everyone had sex all over my friends brand new apartment, which in the morning when he found out he's the only one that didnt get any, and didnt get to break in his apt. he was pissed..
    good times..

    By Blogger ashleynicole, at 11:29 AM  

  • Dyke Beating is rapidly becoming the latest extreme sports fad!!! Kudos to you for being ahead of the game!!!

    By Blogger scribe, at 5:56 PM  

  • Aw, too bad I missed it... It would've been fun to watch you make the fireworks explode! I love when that shit happens!

    By Blogger Jaded Maniac, at 9:26 PM  

  • Did you steal my midgets? They went out for beer and never came back... the bastards.

    Good job on the dike! You almost got her to switch teams!

    By Blogger TerraT, at 3:17 PM  

  • I am reading this a little late but it was fucking hilarious!

    By Anonymous LL, at 6:23 PM  

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