10 Things I Did Today

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

My Birthday Wish

A quarter century… That’s how long I will have been on this earth on the 26th of this month. Usually I don’t make a big deal out of my birthday... I’ll maybe go out to dinner with a few friends, have some cake with the family…you know nothing too spectacular. Ive just never seen my birthday as something to celebrate…To me its just another workday and another year older. I mean sure the whole gift thing is cool…but Im so easy to buy gifts for anyway it not too hard to make me happy. You can give me a half eaten box of Captain Crunch and a broken G.I. Joe and I’ll be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.

This year has been different though… I must be going through some sort quarter life crisis or something because I really wanted this birthday to be special. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything …I love my family and friends and I truly feel blessed that they would want to celebrate my birth at all. But I still feel like there is something missing. I don’t know… its just that I see the majority of my friends happily married, or in a relationship and I truly long for that kind of companionship. I would give anything to have someone that I could kiss goodnight, that I could hold on a cold winter night, and who’s eyes I can look into and see myself growing old with. I know I may sound like a sentimental chump… but I would give everything I own for a pet midget.

Ive dreamed my whole life of being a midget owner. I wouldn’t go down to the midget shelter and pick out a strong healthy midget like everyone else either. No sir-y-bob! The healthy ones always get picked first… they’re easier to train for specialized jobs such as Seeing Eye midgets or bomb and drug sniffing midgets. Instead I would find the saddest looking runt midget of the litter so I could nurse him back to health …because Im maternal like that. After I left the shelter with my midget in his cardboard carrying case I would take him straight to the vet for his shots… because as we all know midgets are riddled with disease.

Unfortunately my apartment isn’t that big so my midget’s food and water bowls would have to be kept in my half bathroom downstairs. I would also lock him in here at night so he doesn’t jump on my bed and try to suck the air out of my lungs while I sleep.

I can see it now. Walking through the park with my midget on his leash during my lunch break… curbing his little droppings, dressing him up in little Yoda and ALF costumes so he doesn’t catch a cold. Come Christmas I would dress him up like a little elf and take him to get his picture taken with Santa Clause then send it to everyone as a Chirstmas card. Ahhh…I smile just thinking about it.

My midget would not only be adorable but he would be useful too. If I were to ever be so hung over that I could not make it into work I would dress my midget up in my work clothes, give him my badge and pin a note on his jacket saying “Larry has come down with a severe case of the small pox and may poop on the floor”. That way I wouldn’t have to use a sick day. HAHA… Im a fucking genius!

Ok granted having a pet midget may not be for everyone. But you’d be amazed just how versatile they are. Lets see…

You can use them as a footstool.

If you were to drop something down a sink drain their little arms are ideal for retrieval.

They are a perfect replacement for a football

They have no rival when it comes to spotting amber colored masonry paths.

And as everyone knows midgets are naturally gifted when it comes to spontaneously bursting out into songs with reference to badly behaved children

The list just goes on.

But sadly I will never be able to have a pet midget of my own because no one loves me. So until the day my pet midget and I are united all I can do is dream and pray.

I love you pet midget… I promise one day we will be together!

106 Comments:

  • By Blogger Ali, at 11:07 PM  

  • Ali's "Rent a Midget" was like the icing on the cake for this post.

    If I was a midget Larry, I would stick my arm down your drain for you anyday.

    By Blogger Marilyndrew, at 6:16 AM  

  • I found your soul mate check out Kayne2000 http://p082.ezboard.com/bmidgetsrus what a marvelous idea for a pet, now im seriously considering moving back to the U.S!We are going to need to get to know each other on a 'deeper level' though before all this moving takes place dont you think ;)
    EB

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:30 AM  

  • awww you're just a youngster.

    why would you want a pet midget? you'd probably get an ungrateful one that tries to kill you in your sleep.

    By Blogger LE, at 10:02 AM  

  • Fucking funny dude

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:38 PM  

  • Fucking funny dude

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:38 PM  

  • WOW! My birthday is on the 25th! One day apart! O_O;;

    Too bad you're in cali, we could do lots o stuff!

    Wait...

    Dood, you're in cali-freakin-fornia! Hollywood baby~! There's probably midgets all in that state trying to be the next Gary Coleman or Mini Me, lol

    By Blogger Minona, at 5:14 PM  

  • oh, and happy birthday:)

    i can't wait for the stories

    By Blogger Marilyndrew, at 9:37 AM  

  • you can find your own midget! steve got his own! :P

    that quarter-century crisis is a bitch. making you want a commitment with a midget and shit.

    By Blogger grace, at 10:33 AM  

  • ewww, a pet midget? I don't want to sound mean or anything...but they've always kinda wiered me out!

    By Blogger AmerAzn, at 11:52 AM  

  • That's genius Larry! I can see the video montage now, with a song like, "My midget and me" playing in the background.

    Freakin' hillarious!

    By Blogger Robert, at 5:46 AM  

  • Jesus man...that is the most hilarious one I've read from you. I say it is because I remember when You, Adam, and Myself were working that morning and we could not stop rolling. Pet midgets are fantastic. But my new favorite thing to read? "Self Defense techniques against Gay Midgets". It's a good read.

    -Frizzle

    By Anonymous Frizzle Del Cabron, at 12:05 AM  

  • Ali: Holy Shit!!! If anyone out there loves me please visit this site and rent me a midget for my bday

    MM: Wow thats sounds kinda kinky ;P

    EB: I completly agree...Getting to know eachother on a "deeper level" is just what I had in mind. I need to start looking for some plane tickets ...Ive been craving some good fish and chips ;P

    LE: Thats why I would lock the little bugger in the bathroom while I sleep. Midgets cant pick locks... hands are too small

    Anon: Thanks

    Minona: No way...how cool is that?... Happy Bday to us!

    Yeah that sux... if you ever find yourself in Cali though hit me up, Bday dinner is on me.

    Your totally right.. midgets run wild here in Cali. The problem is that you have to get a domesticated one... wild midgets bite.

    MM: Thanks... there will definitely be stories to tell

    Grace: I guess midgets are easier to find in So Cal becasue I cant find one here to save my life :(

    Damn you quater life crisis ... damn you to hell!

    Barb: How can you not love midgets... they are so adorable... especially when you dress then up like Gizmo

    Robert: I feel ya man... and my midget and I can be skipping through a field eating corndogs. I can see it now

    Frizzle: That morning was my inspiration for this post. I'll have to do another post for the midget ice capades thing.

    Haha... I like the way you signed your name... Like there are other Frizzles out there ;P

    By Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian, at 10:02 AM  

  • *laughing* I love the post it's a giggle ... for once I'm glad I'm tall.

    Happy birthday.

    By Blogger Blondie, at 6:11 PM  

  • i just came across this site today. the midget thing almost made me spit out my sandwich (but in a good way...).

    By Blogger malachi trizec, at 6:15 AM  

  • Happy birthday dude. I guess Im a little early, but its the 26th over here. Hope you get your midget.

    By Anonymous Erin, at 6:33 PM  

  • damn it, im going to be 25 in january and i havent even started to look for my midget...

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