My Birthday Wish

A quarter century… That’s how long I will have been on this earth on the 26th of this month. Usually I don’t make a big deal out of my birthday... I’ll maybe go out to dinner with a few friends, have some cake with the family…you know nothing too spectacular. Ive just never seen my birthday as something to celebrate…To me its just another workday and another year older. I mean sure the whole gift thing is cool…but Im so easy to buy gifts for anyway it not too hard to make me happy. You can give me a half eaten box of Captain Crunch and a broken G.I. Joe and I’ll be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.

This year has been different though… I must be going through some sort quarter life crisis or something because I really wanted this birthday to be special. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything …I love my family and friends and I truly feel blessed that they would want to celebrate my birth at all. But I still feel like there is something missing. I don’t know… its just that I see the majority of my friends happily married, or in a relationship and I truly long for that kind of companionship. I would give anything to have someone that I could kiss goodnight, that I could hold on a cold winter night, and who’s eyes I can look into and see myself growing old with. I know I may sound like a sentimental chump… but I would give everything I own for a pet midget.

Ive dreamed my whole life of being a midget owner. I wouldn’t go down to the midget shelter and pick out a strong healthy midget like everyone else either. No sir-y-bob! The healthy ones always get picked first… they’re easier to train for specialized jobs such as Seeing Eye midgets or bomb and drug sniffing midgets. Instead I would find the saddest looking runt midget of the litter so I could nurse him back to health …because Im maternal like that. After I left the shelter with my midget in his cardboard carrying case I would take him straight to the vet for his shots… because as we all know midgets are riddled with disease.

Unfortunately my apartment isn’t that big so my midget’s food and water bowls would have to be kept in my half bathroom downstairs. I would also lock him in here at night so he doesn’t jump on my bed and try to suck the air out of my lungs while I sleep.

I can see it now. Walking through the park with my midget on his leash during my lunch break… curbing his little droppings, dressing him up in little Yoda and ALF costumes so he doesn’t catch a cold. Come Christmas I would dress him up like a little elf and take him to get his picture taken with Santa Clause then send it to everyone as a Chirstmas card. Ahhh…I smile just thinking about it.

My midget would not only be adorable but he would be useful too. If I were to ever be so hung over that I could not make it into work I would dress my midget up in my work clothes, give him my badge and pin a note on his jacket saying “Larry has come down with a severe case of the small pox and may poop on the floor”. That way I wouldn’t have to use a sick day. HAHA… Im a fucking genius!

Ok granted having a pet midget may not be for everyone. But you’d be amazed just how versatile they are. Lets see…

You can use them as a footstool.

If you were to drop something down a sink drain their little arms are ideal for retrieval.

They are a perfect replacement for a football

They have no rival when it comes to spotting amber colored masonry paths.

And as everyone knows midgets are naturally gifted when it comes to spontaneously bursting out into songs with reference to badly behaved children

The list just goes on.

But sadly I will never be able to have a pet midget of my own because no one loves me. So until the day my pet midget and I are united all I can do is dream and pray.

I love you pet midget… I promise one day we will be together!