Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 3)

Have you ever been in so much pain that you prayed for the sweet release of death?... … I have… Every time I took a breath it felt like someone was tap dancing on my nuts with cleats. Between my testicle trauma and Drew’s concussion we were a sad fuckin bunch in the back seat on the way home. I was passing out every couple minutes from the pain while Drew puked his fucking guts out like some kind of bulimic cocker spaniel. Real fuckin fun ride home.

About 10 minutes into the ride Justin spotted an abandoned Gatorade stand on the side of the road.

Justin: Hey look…. Gatorade!

Jason: Oh yeah they had a triathlon over here this weekend

Another 10 minutes into the ride and a second abandoned Gatorade stand appears on the side of the road.

Justin: STOP THE CAR!!!!

Bam!!.. Car slams to a fuckin halt. Justins fat ass was out in a fucking shot …he jumped out the damn of car before it even stopped. It was like the mother fucker was on high on PCP…Twinkies…or some shit. I have never seen a fat kid move so fast in my life. Before I knew what the hell was going on chubby had loaded 5 full cases of Gatorade, a case of water bottles and two full size water coolers in the back of the boat. To make room for our ill gotten thirst quenchers Justin was forced to rearrange all the shit in the boat…Not a good move.

An hour later we are driving down the freeway and a guy in a Civic pulls up next to us and motions to JD to roll down the window.

Guy in Civic: Hey….*sumthin sumthin*…bag flew out

JD: Fuck!!! ….Thanks

So we immediately pull over and start checking shit out.

Me: Sweet… my bags still here

JD: Got mine

Jason: My bags here

Drew: My shits here

Justin: FUCK!!!! … My wallets in my bag!

So being the nice group of guys we are we turned back and went to look for Justin’s bag on the side of the road. A couple minutes later we got to the point on the freeway that the guy in the Civic pulled up next to us. We slowed down checked the side of the road and nothing. Made another loop looked and again nothing. Justin flipped the fuck out!

Justin: Dude we have to go back to the lake.

There was no rationalizing with this fucker. We tried to explain to him that the guy wouldn’t have pulled up and told us that we lost a bag if we left the fucker at the lake. We tried to tell him that getting out of the car and looking for the damn thing would be a better option… still no go. So to stop the fat ass from crying the whole way home we obliged him and went headed back to the lake. 5 minutes into the ride we all just stopped looking. Drew and I passed out right off the bat… Drew again from the concussion I from the pain, Jason was building Cheeto castles on the front seat, and poor JD was stuck driving while Justin looked for a bag that was most likely behind us .

About 10 minutes away from the lake JD pissed off beyond belief started mumbling under his breath.

JD: Dude its not going to be here. Why would the guy had pulled up next to us when he did if we lost the damn bag at the lake?

Justin: Oh yeah huh ……. Lets go back and look

Im surprised JD didn’t drive the car into a ditch and kill us all. We drove around for a fucking hour for this fat ass and 10 minutes from the lake FINALLY gets it. Long story short the fucking bag was gone. Sure there was some crying… some “Im hungry I want a Whopper” but eventually Justin came to terms with his loss and we made our way back home.

About 30 minutes away from home we start getting low on gas. JD finds a 7-11 we pull over and everyone piles out of the car. JD, Drew, and Justin go inside to go the bathroom while Jason and I chilled outside and pumped the gas. A few minutes later Justin comes out with a smile on his face a Slim Jim and some Laffy Taffy in his hand that JD bought him. Everyone piled in the car got situated and prayed that the rest of the ride home would be a quik one….

The fuckin second the doors closed…

Justin: …….Pfffrrrrrrbtttttt!!!

Me: You sick ass mother fucker!!!… You couldn’t have farted 30 seconds ago???

Normally I would have kicked him in the larynx… but since the simple bastard just lost his wallet I let it go. The next thing I know we were home. Apparently I had passed out AGAIN... not from the pain this time... but from an buildup of methane in the cab.

The End