10 Things I Did Today

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 3)

Have you ever been in so much pain that you prayed for the sweet release of death?... … I have… Every time I took a breath it felt like someone was tap dancing on my nuts with cleats. Between my testicle trauma and Drew’s concussion we were a sad fuckin bunch in the back seat on the way home. I was passing out every couple minutes from the pain while Drew puked his fucking guts out like some kind of bulimic cocker spaniel. Real fuckin fun ride home.

About 10 minutes into the ride Justin spotted an abandoned Gatorade stand on the side of the road.

Justin: Hey look…. Gatorade!

Jason: Oh yeah they had a triathlon over here this weekend

Another 10 minutes into the ride and a second abandoned Gatorade stand appears on the side of the road.

Justin: STOP THE CAR!!!!

Bam!!.. Car slams to a fuckin halt. Justins fat ass was out in a fucking shot …he jumped out the damn of car before it even stopped. It was like the mother fucker was on high on PCP…Twinkies…or some shit. I have never seen a fat kid move so fast in my life. Before I knew what the hell was going on chubby had loaded 5 full cases of Gatorade, a case of water bottles and two full size water coolers in the back of the boat. To make room for our ill gotten thirst quenchers Justin was forced to rearrange all the shit in the boat…Not a good move.

An hour later we are driving down the freeway and a guy in a Civic pulls up next to us and motions to JD to roll down the window.

Guy in Civic: Hey….*sumthin sumthin*…bag flew out

JD: Fuck!!! ….Thanks

So we immediately pull over and start checking shit out.

Me: Sweet… my bags still here

JD: Got mine

Jason: My bags here

Drew: My shits here

Justin: FUCK!!!! … My wallets in my bag!

So being the nice group of guys we are we turned back and went to look for Justin’s bag on the side of the road. A couple minutes later we got to the point on the freeway that the guy in the Civic pulled up next to us. We slowed down checked the side of the road and nothing. Made another loop looked and again nothing. Justin flipped the fuck out!

Justin: Dude we have to go back to the lake.

There was no rationalizing with this fucker. We tried to explain to him that the guy wouldn’t have pulled up and told us that we lost a bag if we left the fucker at the lake. We tried to tell him that getting out of the car and looking for the damn thing would be a better option… still no go. So to stop the fat ass from crying the whole way home we obliged him and went headed back to the lake. 5 minutes into the ride we all just stopped looking. Drew and I passed out right off the bat… Drew again from the concussion I from the pain, Jason was building Cheeto castles on the front seat, and poor JD was stuck driving while Justin looked for a bag that was most likely behind us .

About 10 minutes away from the lake JD pissed off beyond belief started mumbling under his breath.

JD: Dude its not going to be here. Why would the guy had pulled up next to us when he did if we lost the damn bag at the lake?

Justin: Oh yeah huh ……. Lets go back and look

Im surprised JD didn’t drive the car into a ditch and kill us all. We drove around for a fucking hour for this fat ass and 10 minutes from the lake FINALLY gets it. Long story short the fucking bag was gone. Sure there was some crying… some “Im hungry I want a Whopper” but eventually Justin came to terms with his loss and we made our way back home.

About 30 minutes away from home we start getting low on gas. JD finds a 7-11 we pull over and everyone piles out of the car. JD, Drew, and Justin go inside to go the bathroom while Jason and I chilled outside and pumped the gas. A few minutes later Justin comes out with a smile on his face a Slim Jim and some Laffy Taffy in his hand that JD bought him. Everyone piled in the car got situated and prayed that the rest of the ride home would be a quik one….

The fuckin second the doors closed…

Justin: …….Pfffrrrrrrbtttttt!!!

Me: You sick ass mother fucker!!!… You couldn’t have farted 30 seconds ago???

Normally I would have kicked him in the larynx… but since the simple bastard just lost his wallet I let it go. The next thing I know we were home. Apparently I had passed out AGAIN... not from the pain this time... but from an buildup of methane in the cab.

The End


  • *clap clap clap*

    beautiful ending.

    By Blogger LE, at 9:16 PM  

  • Thanks for reminding me why I'm glad I'm not a boy!

    By Blogger PlatinumGirl, at 6:47 AM  

  • My brother in law farted every five minutes in the car on the way back from Laughlin last week. And turned up the heater. Fucker.

    By Blogger Ali, at 11:47 AM  

  • I didn't think the story could get any funnier but it did! Bravo! Ur such a riot!Have you figured out a way for us to have this scandalous cyber liason yet;)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:39 PM  

  • P. U.!

    What a smelly ending, nice but smelly :P

    By Blogger Minona, at 11:15 PM  

  • boys... boys are so very silly :P


    By Blogger grace, at 10:12 AM  

  • LE: Gracias!

    Ali: Hahaha.. what a sadistic bastard

    EB: Ive decided that this "scandalous cyber liason"(you make it sound so dirty... I like!) isnt going to work. You are just going to have to move to the states until I can fake a British accent good enough to move back with you to London.

    Minona: Nice and smelly is more like it. I think my nostrils got burnt out that weekend

    Grace: Yes we are silly/dirty little creatures

    By Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian, at 1:50 PM  

  • so would that be like a traveling dutch oven?

    By Blogger cammie, at 8:09 PM  

  • remember when you used to post partially naked picturs of yourself on thursdays?

    i miss those times ... :(

    By Blogger Marilyndrew, at 6:05 AM  

  • *laughing* I think I'd have strangled him long before... you guys were far too kind.

    By Blogger Blondie, at 11:09 PM  

  • Hi, I like your blog!. I have a blog about used slide in truck camper.
    Stop by and check it out sometime at used slide in truck camper

    By Blogger blogdollar1, at 1:44 AM  

  • San Diego is having a Hot Rod Halloween on Sunday, October 30. If you love international truck show then you will want to be there! All kinds of international truck show will be in attendance. For more information go to international truck show
    See Ya There!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:15 PM  

  • I've just found your blog about Collie on the internet. I thought I would drop you a note just to say that I have a website and blog about Collie, so I know yours is great quality. Keep up the good work.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:16 AM  

  • Hi Andrew here,

    great site. How long have you had it? Do you have any **keyword** artciles that I can use or publish on my website **keyword** ? I have some articles if you wish to swap articles that would be great! Heep up the good work,


    By Blogger Andrew Clacy, at 9:59 AM  

  • I've been finding almost all of my sushi san jose california here

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:04 AM  

  • That is truly some funny shit.
    "testicle trauma"!
    I laughed my ass off. . . .sympathy to your nuts and all but damn!

    By Blogger Atom, at 10:47 AM  

  • Awesome blog. I'm loving the site and I have to
    return there soon! Going online, when I have the time,
    I look for blogs close to your work!
    Sweetie, go and search my plastic surgery florida blog for what you need.

    By Blogger job opportunitya, at 6:27 AM  

  • Exciting blog. The site out did itself and will be
    back! I love surfing the internet for blogs that are
    exactly like this blog.
    Check out my cosmetic plastic surgery blog, you won't be sorry!

    By Blogger job opportunitya, at 10:22 AM  

  • Cool blog. I dig your site outline and I plan on
    returning again! I just love finding blogs like this
    when I have the time.
    Want to see top notch work, peep my plastic surgery michigan blog site for the bomb work!

    By Blogger job opportunitya, at 6:23 PM  

  • Hi, I'd like to know where I can meet other people who enjoy dancing lessons. I've joined this site (dancing lessons) but where else can I meet other local fans of dancing lessons?

    By Anonymous Chelsea, at 7:53 PM  

  • Le�a otro blog anterior, y deseo que hab�a venido aqu� primero.Toodle-oo, Shanon anorexic, south beach diet

    By Anonymous Eating Disorder Help, at 6:09 AM  

  • Exciting blog. Your site was amazing and will be
    back again! I never get tired of looking for blogs
    just like this one.
    Please take a journey to my cash advance sacramento blog.

    By Blogger good-feelingz, at 6:06 AM  

  • By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:37 PM  

  • Keep up the good work » »

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:50 PM  

  • Very nice site! »

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:29 PM  

  • I am Ryan "Energizer" Ehmann, owner of Altitude Fitness and I’ve been out of shape several times in my life, so beat down – tens of thousands of dollars in debt, depressed and my self-esteem so crushed that I was afraid to go out in public. I turned to the fitness industry as the vehicle to heal my mind and body, and that’s when my dreams began to become a reality. The power of a proven fitness program is life changing so just imagine how much more you could give to your family, career and friends if you were on top of your game?

    There is a champion in everyone…including YOU!

    If you’ve ever wanted to lose that extra 12, 18, 24, 36 (or MORE!) inches of Body Fat off your frame and experience the benefits of a healthier lifestyle, then this message will cut to the chase and give you the answers you’re looking for. My fat loss training system have taken me 28,882 hours and 10 years of personal training to Master it so years ago I quit working at Gold's Gym as the Fitness Manager and opened a small, private workout facility to educate people about foods, fitness and lifestyle. Altitude fitness is a fun family atmosphere that people come as they are in grey sweets, white T-shirts, no make-up and they are accepted as a team member who want to learn and get in shape. No one is judged, it's not a fashion show and no matter your health or fitness shape you are a part of the Fat Loss Team working together.

    I promise my "Fat Burning Zone" training program will get you to LOSE 12 inches in 12 workouts, Energize your mind, shrink body fat, sky rocket your confidence, increase your self image of yourself, improve the quality of your life and people will be saying, "WOW, you look AMAZING and have a GLOW of happiness! This will be the last fitness program you ever do...............Wooo Hoooo

    By Anonymous Kamran Yaqoob, at 12:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home