Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 2)

Note to self: Next time you decide to get hammered while camping you need to…
A: Remember to inflate the air mattress BEFORE drinking yourself into a coma
B: Do Not pass out on a bed of sticks and rocks. It is not as comfortable as a real bed though it may seem like it after a case of beer.
C: NEVER sleep in the same tent as Justin… the bastard snores louder than a dump truck falling off the Empire State building.

The next morning I woke up around 8am… still pretty buzzed. Between fuckin Large Marge snoring, my choice of sleeping spots and an overfilled bladder there was no way I was going back to sleep. I put on my hoody, trampled my way over several inebriated bodies and proceeded to relieve myself on Justins overnight bag. When he woke an hour later I told him it was the morning dew that made his bag so wet.

As I sat there by myself taking in the beauty of the lake I began to get a little shook up inside. My chest began to feel heavy…my eyes began to well up with tears it was one of the most beauti….ahh…. wait a sec … never mind …it was the chili and beer creeping up on me. Time to take a deuce. Luckily there was a restroom not too far away. The stalls must have been made in Ethiopia because I actually had to turn sideways to sit on the crapper without my shoulders touching the walls. As I went about doing my business the walls of the stall began to shake….then moans and grunts started coming out of the stall next to me. Either the bathroom was haunted or someone needed more fiber in his diet. So to avoid getting injured I snapped my yam and got the fuck out of there.

When I got back to the camp site the rest of the guys had woken up and were already starting to cook breakfast. On the menu breakfast burritos. Chubby Tits AKA Justin was assigned cooking duties in hopes of an encore to the previous nights grilled cheese samiches, while the rest of us enjoyed appetizers of Cheetos beef jerky and bagels. Not one to disappoint Justin followed up his samiches by showing us that the ideal ratio for eggs and cheese is 3/1. Three slices of American cheese to every egg. Sure it was more like a cheesy slurry … but it was a delicious cheesy slurry. Lets face it this fucker didn’t get as fat as he is by NOT knowing how to cook.

Bellies full JD, Justin, Jason and I launched the boat around 10am leaving Drew to clean up the big fuckin mess we left behind. On the first trip out we didn’t do much. JD and I took turns trying to get up on the single ski but neither of us had the coordination to even get out of the water. After a couple turns a piece we ended up running the boat around the lake for a little bit. We all have ADD so it didn’t take us long to get bored… a half hour later we headed back to camp to pick up Drew and the big two man inner tube. The second we got out of the boat Drew ran down to meet us all at the shore line.

Drew: Dude… I was just in the bathroom taking a shit… and this guy in the stall next to me was like kicking the door and groaning and shit.

Me: No way… how long ago did you go?

Drew: About 10 minutes ago

Me: *calculating in my head*….carry the 1…..Haha… that fucking guy has been in there for over 2 hours!

Drew: I bet you he got stuck in there… those fuckin stalls are small

With that we all headed out for some toobin. It started off innocent enough. One person on the tube at a time… when JD and I felt that they had been on long enough we would shake them off. But since this was a two man tube that is supposedly “unflippable” it took more effort than usual to do so. This made for some pretty spectacular wipe outs when we were finally able to throw them off. We eventually became bored …again… so we decided to progress to two guys on the tube at a time.

JD and Jason were up first with myself at the wheel. For the first 5 minutes or so I went easy with them… so much so that JD was standing up on the fucking tube doing tricks. I gradually opened the throttle and threw in some lazy S’s … JD sat back down and got a better grip for the ride ahead. After another 7-8 minutes I decided it was time for them to go down. I opened up the throttle about half way (about 45 mph) and started cutting the S’s a little tighter… another 3 minutes pass and the fuckers are still hanging on. Ok now it was time to pull out the big guns… it was time for the whip. I throttled down and began a wide turn.. Just as the tube started following the boats path I cut back into the direction of the tube and gunned it. SNAP!!!! Jason shot off the tube like a fucking bottle rocket… before JD could grab a handle to even out the tube it flipped over tossing him off ass over tea kettle.

The second JD got back on the boat I knew my ass was grass.

JD: Your turn fucker

ME: … ahhh shit…. Ok …. Whos coming with me?

Justin: I’ll go!

Justin and I hop on the tube and before we can even get going the front of the tube dips down and drags us both underwater.

Me: JUSTINS TOO FUCKIN FAT!!!! DREW… GET ON THE TUBE!!!!

Drews about a buck 45 so I would much rather have him topple over me when the tube flips than all three hundred pounds of chubbalub. Right off the bat JD guns it at ¾ throttle. There were a couple of turns that he almost bucked us off but Drew and I refused to be shaken…hitting the water at 50mph hurts like a sonofabitch and we both new that all too well. All of a sudden I heard the engine rev… The mother fucker pinned the throttle.

We weren’t even touching the water anymore we were going so fast… we just kinda hovered in mid air… feet dragging in the water the only thing left stabilizing us. Let me tell you dragging your feet in the water at about 75 mph feels like dragging them though gravel. I didn’t even want to know what my whole body hitting the water would feel like. We were quickly approaching the end of the lake so Drew and I readied ourselves for the upcoming turn. But before we even had a chance to move I saw JD wave to a nearby boat like “hey watch this” then he cut a damn near 90 degree turn at full throttle. Im surprised the fucker didn’t flip the boat. We didn’t even stand a chance… we had to be pulling at least 8 Gs. Next thing I know Drew loses his grip sending him into me like a fucking wrecking ball. I shit you not.. I skipped on the surface of that lake damn near 15 times limbs flailing like a rag doll, Drew slamming into me the whole way. When I finally came to rest in the water a few hundred feet away from the initial launch I felt a searing pain in my crotchal reigon. You see as my limbs flailed about as I bounced off the water my legs splayed open driving one leg into the water focusing all my momentum squarely on my scrotum. That’s right folks I used my balls as brakes.

Well that train wreck pretty much ended the trip. I could barely walk and Drew had a mean fucking concussion so we packed up our shit and went on our way.

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Stay tuned for Pt. 3...The Ride Home