10 Things I Did Today

Friday, May 06, 2005

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.1

It was about 7 years ago and the family and I had just begun our then annual vacation to Disneyland, Universal Studios, and Knotts Berry Farm. It was a lovely summer afternoon in Disneyland and we had just finished getting an exquisite case of whiplash on one of the greatest theme park rides of all time…Star Tours *Queue Star Wars opening theme music*. As always we were the last ones off the ride because my genius sister couldn’t figure out how to unbuckle her safety belt. So after about 5 minutes of her struggling with the clasp I reluctantly decide to help her out so we can hurry the fuck up and get in line for Space Mountain.

As we made our way down the exit ramp I turn around to say something to my dad and I noticed the fucker was at least 30 feet behind us. The four of us were the only people on the exit ramp so there was no reason for him to be so damn far behind. So I started back up the ramp and yelled at the fat boy to stop fiddle farting around and speed the fuck up so we can go on Space Mountain… it didn’t take me too long after that to notice the big shit eating grin that had just come over his face . Now I’ve known this man my whole life and I have seen this grin on more than one occasion. So knowing full well of the chaos about to ensue I turned right the fuck back around and tried to catch up to my mom and sister.

No sooner that I turned my back, dad unleashed the loudest wettest fart to ever pass through a human beings ass cheeks. It sounded like a god damn foghorn drowning in a vat of shampoo. Even now 7 years later I’m not quite sure how to describe the extent of this fart…it was almost as if it had its own soul… I mean the fucking thing literally shook the ground Christ sake. Thinking back on it I’m surprised the fucking guy didn’t blow the ass out his pants or shit himself.

Anyway little did my numb nuts father realize that the second he opened the very gates of hell, the next group of people just got off the ride and were making their way down the exit ramp. Poor bastards didn’t even know what hit them. It looked like they walked into an invisible brick wall.

I was fucking mortified… The only thing I could think to do was run. I know…it may have looked more incriminating running away, but Im pretty sure that everyone that walked into that fart cloud couldn’t see for at least 15-20 minutes afterward... so I think I was OK. However the poor Japanese family that was first to walk into my dad’s gastronomic Hiroshima weren’t as fortunate. They died instantly as the intensity from the blast fused their bodies together with the walls of the Star Tours exit ramp.

A moment of silence please for all that lost their lives and sense of smell that tragic day

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