10 Things I Did Today

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.2

It was about 2 years after the infamous Star Tours incident and Disney had just opened its California Adventure park. Since its practically a new theme park, my family and I decided it would be a good idea to just hang out at Disneyland for a couple of days and hit up both parks.

Because it was the only week that we could all get time off work, we ended up going around mid July. I guess this time of year is peak season for Disneyland because the place was fucking packed…I’m talking 2-3 hour waits for every damn ride in the park. Even the fuckin teacups had a 2 hour wait. Luckily my dad had just had a heart attack like a month earlier so he was now legally considered handicapped. Now I don’t know if anyone reading this has been to a theme park with a handicapped person, but let me just tell you it FUCKIN ROCKS! You basically get to cut to the front of any line and only wait like 5 minutes to get on the ride. So yeah… I highly suggest that next time you go to any theme park take a cripple with you.

Anyway…We must have been in the park all of 10 minutes and my sister decides that she wants to go on Splash Mountain which is on the complete opposite end of the park. So we make our way over to the ride and about half way there my dad is already winded. After stopping to get dad a frozen lemonade and a churro, we get to the ride. We immediately cut in front of everyone and we are on the ride within 3 minutes.

Let me just give you a quick summation of the Splash Mountain ride just in case you have never been. You’re basically on a log ride going through underground caves with cute little animatronic bunnies, turtles, and birds singing on either side of you. I must say its fuckin adorable. The only excitement from the ride comes in the form of 2 drops. The first one sucks ass…its only like one story fall and you can totally see it coming. The second drop on the other hand is fairly descent. 10-12 stories…sumthin like that…pretty cool for a Disney ride.

So with that in mind we all piled into one log and the ride starts. Now my mom, dad and I aren’t exactly the smallest people in the world, so naturally our fucking log starts scrapping and bottoming out throughout the entire ride. Our fucking log was dragging so much ass logs that left well after us caught up and were bumping into us. But this wasn’t nearly embarrassing enough.

Eventually we get to the greatly anticipated second drop. I was stoked. If there is one good thing about exceeding the weight limit on a log ride its that your gonna get one hell of a splash once you touch down. Only problem was that when our fat ass log hit the bottom of the drop instead of gently skidding on the surface of the water, ours fuckin slams down and damn near shoots my little sister right the fuck out. Well folks… I guess that impact was just a little too much for my dad because right there on Splash Mountain amongst all the cuddly animatronic critters my good ol dad has another heart attack.

To Be Continued…

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tag... I'm IT!

Three names I go by:
1. Lawrence
2. Larry
3. Lar

Three screen names that I have had:
1. xtreme78
2. cutedego78
3. kissmeimitalian

Three things I like about myself:
1. my sweet ass
2. my artistic ability
3. my sense of humor

Three things I don't like about myself:
1. too shy
2. too trusting
3. my legs are way to big

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Brazilian
2. Sicilian
3. Ewok

Three things that scare me:
1. carnies … they have small hands
2. Julia’s mom
3. my mom

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. food
2. water
3. porn

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. leopard skin thong
2. green spandex
3. a fake moustache

Three of my fave bands or musical artists:
1. Chaka Chan
2. John Tesh
3. Matisyahu.. the Hasidic Reggae Super Star

Three physical things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. willing to have sex with me

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Brazil
2. Tokyo
3. Endor

Three new things I want to try in the next 12 months:
1. find a job in So Cal
2. approach a pretty girl
3. start selling some of my art online

Three things I just can't do:
1. fart the National Anthem
2. eat sea urchin
3. shoot laser beams out of my eyes

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. sucker punch a midget
2. win the Lotto
3. kill a bear with a spork

Three celeb crushes:
1. Amerie
2. Kelly Hsu
3. Alf … he’s so dreamy

Jules, Mel ...you guys are IT!....no tag backs either!

Friday, May 20, 2005

5/20/05

1. Saw a guy at the gym try to hit on a chick and unknowingly walk right onto a treadmill going full speed
2. Saw the same guy get flung about 7 feet and put a hole in some dry wall with his ass
3. Had a 10 minute conversation with my dad about Monte Cristo sandwiches (he was high and I was humoring him so fuck off :P )
4. Got invited to a Barrrrrbeque
5. Was told that I have to bring my own eye patch
6. Ate all the blue M&Ms out of my coworkers candy dish
7. Have been humming the theme song to Caddy Shack all day
8. Printed out 6 reams of paper in the last 3 hours
9. Drew a monkey on my sisters cheek while she was sleeping
10. Spent way too much money on a tricked out Alien Ware laptop that completely castrates my desktop

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

5/18/05

Sorry I havent posted in a while guys... Been a crazy month

Anyhoo... heres 10 for ya

1. Jumped over the wall of my cubicle
2. Sneezed so hard I hit my head on my desk
3. Was intimidated by a 80 year old 90lb woman
4. Ripped some serious ass just as a coworker walked into my cubicle
5. Blamed the stench on the janitors not taking out my trash all week
6. Pretty sure she didn’t buy it
7. Tried to contain my laughter as she tried to explain her project to me while she gasped for air and her eyes watered
8. Came close to getting caught writing sexually explicit IMs
9. Went to eat lunch with Nana and found my dad sitting on the couch high on pain killers and wearing a Moo Moo (he just had shoulder surgery)
10. No really my dad is fuckin gone right now. He took like 2 Norco this morning and Im pretty sure he doesn’t know where he is right now. Earlier he was singing slave songs and babbling something about the cotton gin. I need to get me some of those pills.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Does anyone remember this song?

1, 2, 3,4, 5...6, 7, 8, 9, 10…11,12

Doooo do do do do do do do doo

1, 2, 3,4, 5…6, 7, 8, 9, 10..11,12

Doooo do do do do do do do doo

1, 2, 3,4, 5…6, 7, 8, 9, 10…11,twe-e-e-e-e-e-e-elve

The God Damn thing popped into my head this morning while I was working out and now its stuck. I hate you Sesame Street!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.1

It was about 7 years ago and the family and I had just begun our then annual vacation to Disneyland, Universal Studios, and Knotts Berry Farm. It was a lovely summer afternoon in Disneyland and we had just finished getting an exquisite case of whiplash on one of the greatest theme park rides of all time…Star Tours *Queue Star Wars opening theme music*. As always we were the last ones off the ride because my genius sister couldn’t figure out how to unbuckle her safety belt. So after about 5 minutes of her struggling with the clasp I reluctantly decide to help her out so we can hurry the fuck up and get in line for Space Mountain.

As we made our way down the exit ramp I turn around to say something to my dad and I noticed the fucker was at least 30 feet behind us. The four of us were the only people on the exit ramp so there was no reason for him to be so damn far behind. So I started back up the ramp and yelled at the fat boy to stop fiddle farting around and speed the fuck up so we can go on Space Mountain… it didn’t take me too long after that to notice the big shit eating grin that had just come over his face . Now I’ve known this man my whole life and I have seen this grin on more than one occasion. So knowing full well of the chaos about to ensue I turned right the fuck back around and tried to catch up to my mom and sister.

No sooner that I turned my back, dad unleashed the loudest wettest fart to ever pass through a human beings ass cheeks. It sounded like a god damn foghorn drowning in a vat of shampoo. Even now 7 years later I’m not quite sure how to describe the extent of this fart…it was almost as if it had its own soul… I mean the fucking thing literally shook the ground Christ sake. Thinking back on it I’m surprised the fucking guy didn’t blow the ass out his pants or shit himself.

Anyway little did my numb nuts father realize that the second he opened the very gates of hell, the next group of people just got off the ride and were making their way down the exit ramp. Poor bastards didn’t even know what hit them. It looked like they walked into an invisible brick wall.

I was fucking mortified… The only thing I could think to do was run. I know…it may have looked more incriminating running away, but Im pretty sure that everyone that walked into that fart cloud couldn’t see for at least 15-20 minutes afterward... so I think I was OK. However the poor Japanese family that was first to walk into my dad’s gastronomic Hiroshima weren’t as fortunate. They died instantly as the intensity from the blast fused their bodies together with the walls of the Star Tours exit ramp.

A moment of silence please for all that lost their lives and sense of smell that tragic day