Saint Valentines Date Massacre

Hello children. Im going to take a break from my usual 10 things format today to bring you all the tale of my date on Friday night…a beautiful tale filled with love and romance…errrr….or something like that.

About 2 weeks ago in a land not too far away, there lived a handsome prince. Now our prince had pretty much every thing he could have wanted in life a nice carriage, a sweet castle, a good job and loving friends and family. But despite the prince’s wealth there was still something missing that kept him from being truly happy and that was a princess. You see the prince had courted his share of fair maidens, but due to a curse put on him at birth every maiden that he had courted ended up having serious issues. This left the prince sad and alone.

One day one of the princes most trusted knights approached him and told him that they would both be attending a ball later that night. The prince was hesitant at first because he had an exciting weekend of playing PS2 planned, but after some coercion the prince reluctantly agreed to go.

When they arrived at the ball the prince and knight both grabbed an ale and began to survey all of the fair maidens in attendance. Soon the knight and prince began to entertain the idea of leaving the ball because none of the maidens really caught either of their fancy… but just as they were about to depart, in walked three beautiful maidens all with lovely badonkadonks. At that moment the prince and the knight looked at each other and agreed that they would stay for just a bit longer.

As the night progressed the prince and the knight pounded several more ales but yet neither or them made any attempts to introduce themselves to the beautiful maidens. You see as handsome as the prince and knight were, they were both very shy and rarely approached beautiful women. But this night the barkeep must have poured a courage potion in the prince’s ale because with just a mere suggestion from the knight the prince introduced himself to the maidens. There was one maiden in particular though that the prince found very attractive so he focused most of attention towards her. As the night progressed the prince and the maiden talked and drank and had a lovely time. They eventually ended up on the dance floor where they began to dry hump and grope each other excessively, this made the prince very happy indeed.
At the stroke of 1:30 out of the darkness and without warning the fair maidens evil step cousins pounced. They said that she must return to their kingdom or else the her father would become enraged. The prince was quite upset to see this turn of events. You see the prince was already making plans to take the maiden back to his castle and show her the royal jewels. But alas all the prince was able to get that night was her phone number.

The days went on and the prince and maiden spoke several times throughout the week. It turned out the prince and maiden had surprisingly allot in common. Now confident that the maiden was diggin him, the prince thought that it may be time to ask the maiden out on a date. She happily accepted, and it was decided that they would travel to the kingdom of Outback Steak House to feast and then maybe see a play afterwards.

The night of the date arrived faster the prince had expected, but fortunately he had prepared for it days in advance. He made sure his carriage and castle were clean, his shirt was pressed and his face shaven. Now the time had finally come to pick up the maiden. After getting lost on the way the prince finally arrived at the maiden’s castle in the fuckin cuts of the kingdom of Salinas. The prince opened the door to his carriage for his maiden fair and off they went for a lovely sunset ride through the countryside. Conversation was nice at first, that was until the maiden spotted a little pendant hanging from the rearview mirror of the prince’s carriage. “What is this? “ the maiden asked curiously. “ Oh that’s a Saint Michael pendant” replied the prince “ Oh..” said the maiden…then silence. The prince continued trying to make conversation but the only replies he got in return were short and abrupt comments such as “yes”, “no”, and “go fuck yourself”. Something was obviously amiss.

A short time later the prince and maiden arrived at their destination. Hoping that the maiden was just being a bitch because she was hungry or on her rag, the prince once again attempted to make conversation. Still no go. Finally giving up on the whole situation the prince turned his attention toward his steak and the endless loafs of bread that the waiter brought.

Then all of a sudden the maiden spoke. “So your Catholic?” she hissed “Ummm yeah …why… what religion are you?” the prince answered confused. Now the prince wasn’t the suavest guy on the planet but he knew that it isn’t polite to talk about religion on the first date… the maiden obviously didn’t get that memo. “Jehovah’s Witness!!” she exclaimed. “Ahhh fuck me!!” the prince whispered under his breath. The prince had many friends that were Jehovah’s Witness in the past, and one thing that he learned in that time was that when a Jehovah’s Witness starts to talk about religion your not getting one word in edgewise. So for the next hour the prince endured insults on his sexual activity, his non-involvement in the church, and I think she even may have called me a blasphemer at one point…I wasn’t really paying attention so Im not sure…I mean the prince wasn’t paying attention.

When dinner was over the prince again opened the door to his carriage for the maiden and proceeded to drive the crazy bitch back home as fast as the carriage would carry them.

The End

Well there ya go guys, no nookie,..not even a kiss. Just a crazy ass broad and a steak...that was my so called Valentines date. So now here I sit on Valentines day alone, bitter and horny as hell. I think I going to petition for a new holiday to be celebrated on February 15. It shall be called “Punch anyone with a Valentine in the face day” that way the rest of us have a pointless holiday to look forward to…Damn I really need to get laid.

Anyways Happy V-Day Blogger land!… Hope you all are having more sex than I am.