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Sorry I havent posted in a while guys...I'm being worked harder than a 5 year old cambodian girl in a Nike sweat shop right now. Anyway I felt like Ive been leaving you all hanging so here is a few things Ive done over last weekend and this week

1. Listed to a New Edition countdown on the radio while driving to Irvine. Johnnie Gill was hosting
2. Spent the weekend at Steve and Grace's place. They have to be the best hosts EVER!! Its gonna be damn near impossible for me to even come close to being as good of a host when they stay at my place. I think some strippers and Snickers may do the trick though
3. Met Mel and Jeanette. Jeanette is like 7'4" and Mel is around 4'7"... both are seriously hot.
4. Ate at Roscoe's chicken and waffles for lunch 2 days in a row (btw good call on the Mac and cheese Mel)
5. Thought I was going to get my waffle jacked by an extremely large black man
6. Gained 4 lbs. in 3 days. Thank you Grace and Roscoe's!
7. Gave Joe some more soju shots. Unfortunately there was no dancing around the living room this time
8. Possibly watched the best music video ever made! This video is totally taking #1 on TRL this week
9. Saw a cocker spaniel eating a pink Easter bunny
10.Witnessed my mom's hot water heater fly through the living room wall while I was watching South Park

3/23/05

1. Decided to keep and daddy long legs that has been living in my bedroom as a pet…I named him Lester
2. Watched Lester fall off the wall several times… I think he might have Downs syndrome
3. Packed my bags to go visit Grace and Steve this weekend
4. Heard a coworker get reprimanded for coming into work 10 minutes late from a supervisor that comes in an hour + late….every day
5. Think I have become brain washed by the Burger King Tender crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch commercial… I must have one!
6. Made plans to stop by Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles before heading to Grace and Steve’s
7. Will be going to Circuit City first thing tomorrow morning to buy the Chappelle Show Season 2 DVD
8. Have eaten 2lbs. of turkey in 2 days
9. Will be quitting my job to pursue a career as a ninja
10. Found a booger that I’m %99.9 wasn’t mine on my keyboard

Quick Story

So Friday night after working out, my buddy and I decide to go meet up with some friends at Benihanas for some all you can eat sushi. Now granted this isn’t the worlds greatest sushi, but its all you can eat… so we more than make up for the quality by eating ungodly amounts.

Now this group of friends and I have been going to this Benihanas every weekend for close to a year, so as you can imagine we are pretty well known by most of the staff. There is one waitress/ hostess in particular though that my buddy Chris and I have became a little more friendly with…mainly because she is a cute Vietnamese chick and Chris and I both have a thing for asian girls. Every time we go in she comes by our table sits, flirts then goes back to work. The first few times this happened when we first started frequenting the place I told my buddy Chris that the next time she did it I was just going to ask her out. Turns out Chris had beat me to the punch but was crushed to find out that she was only 17.

Long story short months have passed since then she’s now 18 and has been flirting allot more than usual. So back to Friday night… Like was I saying we had just finished doing an arm working out, left the gym, showered and went straight over to the restaurant. Now Im not sure how many of you all seriously work out, but after lifting weights hard you get something called muscle pump. This is basically when your muscles become engorged with blood and look allot bigger than usual.(Grace, Jules, Mel…that’s not what I meant you pervs :P) Now I have descent size arms to begin with, but I had a really good pump going Friday night so my arms were looking HUGE!

As usual we walk in say hi to everyone and promptly put in our orders. Id say it was about 5 minutes later and here comes the cute asian girl right on queue. She sits down next to me, we talk for a minute or two, she feels on my arms then goes back to work. So about 2 hours later we finish eating and I decide I have to go to the little boys room. I get up from the table, do my business and when I come back everyone starts laughing at me. I immediately start freaking out I check to see if my fly is up, look for any pee pee leakage on my jeans…nope, nothing I was good. So I ask them what the fuck is so funny.

I guess when I was in the bathroom the cute asian chick sits down next to my friend Nate and proceeds to tell him that she thought I looked really cute tonight. So being the good guy that he is Nate tries to build me up a little bit and says “ yeah… his arms are looking quite large this evening”. (This is where my luck kicks in) So cute asian chick immediately replies “yeah my friend over there hasn’t shut up about him all night”. So seeing that cute asian chick was obviously trying to hook up her friend, Nate asks “Really…which one is she”…. “Oh… hes the one over there with the flat top… his name is Josh”

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!…Never fails.

3/14/05

1. Ate Chippotle chicken burritos for lunch and dinner on Saturday
2. Hit my friend in the eye with an Equal packet
3. Have been trying to loose weight for an upcoming tournament this June, and have succeeded in gaining 10 lbs. in the process
4. Realized the 10 extra lbs. Is actually muscle which is going to make it about 20 times harder to loose the weight
5. Got stuck while taking my shirt off for about 3 minutes because it is now too small
6. Played Devil May Cry 3 for 10 hours straight and am only about half way through the game
7. Had dinner with my cousin and her two Satan spawn
8. Was threatened with a kick to the groin by the little bastards unless I played ring around the rosie with them
9. Furthered my humiliation by playing GI Joe against My Little Ponie with her son and saying “I used to have GI Joes when I was a kid, but I had allot more He-man figures”
10. Felt like an old fart when the little shit replied “What’s He-man?”

3/09/05

1. Had a gay coworker tell me he was sorry for being “such a banana”…I was speechless
2. Ate a muffin that tasted like fruit loops
3. Will being lobbying to pass a new law banning obese white women from wearing dashikis to work
4. Have a pimple on my head that I believe may be my conjoined twin
5. Spent over $100 on bodybuilding supplements that taste like shit
6. Planned my next trip down to So Cal (We are coming the weekend of 5/20 Grace, you bring the kimchee I’ll bring the Korean 40s)
7. Burnt my grilled cheese sandwich
8. Ripped a good hunk of skin off my hand and didn’t realize I did it until I saw the blood on my shirt
9. Watched one of my coworkers loose it in a meeting throw his pen then storm out of the conference room
10. Almost fuckin peed myself when my supervisor said “Man…what an asshole”

3/04-03/06/05

1. Got a rental Buick LeSaber while my windshield is being repaired
2. Discovered that the LeSaber has anti-poontang capabilities...however I have yet to figure out how to turn this feature off
3. Learned that it is surprisingly easy to get sideways in a LeSaber
4. Found that LeSabers make less than adequate off road vehicles
5. Declared Jihad on 7-11 for not having a Slurpee dispenser
6. Found that declaring Jihad on 7-11 for any reason is not a good idea
7. . Learned that calling your waitress at El Torrito Consuelo when her name is actually Jennifer is not smart
8. Pinned a drunk guy that shoved my friend in the bathroom of a night club for 15 minutes
9. Gave my parents a $1,000+ surround sound system for their new T.V.
10. Came close to strangling my mom when she bitched about having to buy a set of $20 cables to hook it up

10 Things Monkeys Can Do That People Cant

1. Masturbate in public
2. Have a hairy back and chicks still consider them cute
3. Go to a funeral naked and cheer people up
4. Wear a diaper into their late into their 20s and it be perfectly acceptable
5. Urinate on their boss without getting fired
6. Throw poop
7. Dance with a funny little hat to an organ grinder…and make money in the process
8. Throw poop
9. Climb a skyscraper kidnap a women, then knock airplanes out of the sky with their bare hands
10. Commit any crime and have it be considered adorable

“Ohh.. look at the cute little monkey carrying a 10lb brick of hash…how darling”

“Awweee…look at that monkey, it just stabbed that elderly women in the ear with a screwdriver…isn’t that sweet?”

“Look at the silly monkey mommy… it just stole that mans wallet and bit his cheek off, can we take it home?

*Sigh* ..What I wouldnt give to be a monkey

2/26-03/01/05

1. Got a new roommate…His name is Dave…He likes golf
2. Saw two chickens fighting on the side of a freeway exit
3. Got a drunk call from Grace and heard Steve singing “Jesse’s girl” in the background
4. Think Steve has the talent to be bigger than Michael Jackson…and darker
5. Saw a 70 year old Russian man smack the piss out of his steroid monster son at the gym
6. Had a sasquatch sighting at the mall
7. Came back from a work out to find my rear windshield smashed in by a baseball
8. Had the cop that took down the report lie for me and put it down as vandalism so my insurance would cover it
9. Am driving around with a garbage bag and duct tape as a rear windshield replacement
10. Drank a 24oz beer with my supervisor at lunch…it made the rest of the day fly buy