1/28-1/30/05

1. Got a drunken phone call from my parents at 3am Saturday morning while they were in Reno
2. Discovered a bird had shit on my car windshield over night while it was parked in my car port
3. Got put in an arm lock and haven’t been able to fully extend my right arm since ( I look like Im doing the robot)
4. Elbowed the fucker who put me in the arm lock in the face
5. Got shit faced and called my buddies x girlfriend a “jiggley whore”
6. Confirmed my accusations when she asked me to go home with her later that night (I didn’t)
7. Was about a shot away from sleeping with my x girlfriends roommate
8. Returned the favor by calling my parents at 3am Sunday morning…they were still up
9. Put an Easter egg on my blog (see if you can find it… its not hard)
10. Came dangerously close to backhanding a complete stranger

1/27/05

1. Traumatized two Japanese children in the apartment across from mine by walking around my apartment naked with the blinds open.
2. Fully expecting to have indecent exposure charges pressed on me within the next few days
3. Ate a frozen waffle without toasting it
4. Caught my supervisor picking his nose
5. Didn’t know what to do when he started talking to me without showing any signs of stopping
6. Went to Bubba Gumps for lunch with a couple friends
7. When the Hostess asked “How can I help you all?” I told her “Large Marge sent us”…she didn’t get it
8. Learned not to make obscure movie references to strangers
9. Damn near crapped my pants when the waitress sat down and introduced herself as Margie…and you guessed it… she was a big girl
10. Made a mental note to never go back to Bubba Gumps…EVER!

1/26/05

1. Fell getting out of bed
2. Iced my quad to shrink the yellow and green bruise I got from taking a mean heel kick to it last night
3. Took 15 Tylenol PM
4. Dozed off at my desk once for each Tylenol taken
5. Went into a meeting completely unprepared and came out of it looking like a hero
6. Was cut off in traffic by a 96 year old women in a brand new Corvette Z06
7. Saw spinners on a 1984 Buick station wagon
8. Hit my sister in the eye with a piece of licorice
9. Was asked by Nana how I got a bruise on my jaw
10. Told Nana “It was that gorilla what escaped from the zoo” (Shhh...Nana doesnt know I fight)

1/25/05

1. Began my search for ANOTHER fucking roommate
2. Lost my check book
3. Spent 5 hours in a meeting that I didn’t need to be in
4. Insulted an entire department
5. Took 3 shots of vodka with lunch
6. Was called every male and female name in my family besides my own by Nana
7. Threw an orange out of a moving vehicle
8. Kicked a bunny statue down a flight of stairs
9. Will be going to San Jose to kick some teeth in after work
10. Posted a Monchhichi T-Shirts link for Grace and Mel

1/21-1/23/05

1. Got a call from an ex wanting me to drive down to San Diego and “hang out” because she “was lonely”
2. Passed up some guaranteed poon-tang to hang out with my friends Barb and Jhonnie 5 in Fresno (See how much I love you guys Barb)
3. Got Barb to start a Blog ( I cant hyperlink with Explorer on this fuckin Mac...but check her out ...amerazn.blogspot.com)
4. Watched a dog rape a stuffed Teddy Bear
5. Stuffed myself with homemade Korean BBQ
6. Held a mean kimchee boo boo for damn near 2 hours
7. Cleaned my rug only to find that it is a light tan color… not black
8. Discovered just how retarded 3 of my neighbors are…The morons washed their cars 2 days before its supposed to rain
9. Received several complements on my Monchhichi T-shirt
10. Got hit in the eye with a bag of beef jerkey

1/21/05

1. Scalded my butt cheeks with hot water
2. Ate a Poptart
3. Celebrated Chia Homers first hairs...err..sprouts
4. Received an email for natural breast enhancement pills
5. Eagerly awaiting my free one month supply of natural breast enhancement pills
6. Uploaded my 600th track to Itunes on my work computer
7. Set Optmimus Prime as my desktop wallpaper
8. Walked into the bathroom only to see an asian man at the urinal with his pants around his ankles
9. Turned right the fuck around and walked out of the bathroom
10. Have done a total of 2 minutes of actual work since 8:30 this morning

1/20/05

1. Smacked my head on the corner of the kitchen cupboard
2. Drank some expired milk
3. Didnt realize it was bad untill I drank all of it
4. Was invited to a baptism for someones kid that I have dont even know
5. Contimplated going just to get some free food
6. Walked into a fart cloud
7. As a result lost my sense of smell and taste
8. ...oh and sight
9. all motor skills too
10. Broke another office chair

1/19/05

1. Watched my shower head disintegrate right before my very eyes
2. Witnessed my neighbor take off her side mirror while backing out of her car port.
3. Laghed my ass off when she paused....looked at it... then drove off
4. Talked about getting drunk with my supervisor for 45 minutes because he didnt want to go back to work
5. Called my mom to tell her I love her… and to make me a sandwich
6. Was given a step-by-step breakdown of Nana’s breast exam
7. Was ridiculed by Nana for not having a girlfriend
8. Tried to buy a monkey online
9. Learned that you need a special license to buy a monkey
10. Signed up for monkey maintenance classes

1/18/05

1. Electrocuted myself with the toaster
2. Found out that my cubicle will be available when I go back to the main building @ work because the guy that had taken it over got fired.
3. Told my friend Steve to “stop being a Jew and put in a buck for a tip” at lunch
4. Learned that it is impossible for him to do so because he is in fact Jewish
5. Found out that it is possible to flush an entire roll of toilet paper down a public restroom toilet.
6. Broke an office chair
7. Covered my co-workers desk in post-it notes
8. Discovered just how much I hate XML tagging
9. Cursed at an inanimate object (stupid Macs)
10. Threatened to kill the same object

One Shitty 3 Day Weekend 1/15-1/17/05

1. Was asked to leave an all you can eat sushi restaurant
2. Went into a sushi induced coma @ around 7pm Friday night watching Spongebob
3. Called my dad a "pussy" for only doing yard work for 15 minutes and getting winded
4. Apologized when I found out he was having a heart attack
5. Added 1 more to dads heart attack tally... he's now at 8
6. Was offered a job as a male escort while visiting dad... in the hospital
7. Wore Homer slippers in public
8. Played the original Donkey Kong game... that shit is fucking hard!
9. Was bitched slapped by a 3 month old baby
10. Had my ass grabbed by a 135 year old women.

I really hope next weekend is better

1/14/05

1. Peed on the toilet seat

2. Punished my goldfish for beating up his brothers

3. Watered Chia Homer

4. Ran over a dead raccoon

5. Shot a co-worker in the eye with a rubber band

6. Blamed it on invisible aliens

7. Tried to move some office furniture… with my mind

8. Learned that I do not have the authority to fire my mailman

9. Was told to “Stop jumping on the God Damn bed!”

10. Tried to explain how a box of condoms got into my glove compartment to my grandma… I told her leprechauns put them there.

1/13/05

1. Killed a spider with my x-roommates tooth brush
2. Shaved with a bar of soap
3. Stopped the profuse bleeding with 1 roll of toilet paper
4. Fell down the stairs
5. Honked my car horn at a goose. It honked back
6. Made eye contact with a pretty girl while singing to myself in my car
7. Played it off like I was talking on a hands free set by putting my hand up to my ear and nodding
8. Accidentally ate an ant. It tasted like pepper
9. Hit my shin on the side of my desk .... hard
10. Filled out my time sheet for the week. Realized I have only done a total of 2 hours of actual work all week

Damn Ive had an eventful morning

1/12/05

1. Ate a bowl of oatmeal with Splenda instead of regular sugar. It tasted like shit
2. Yelled at a 90 year old man for spilling hot water on my arm
3. Dodged a muffin the old man threw
4. Came within seconds of killing a 90 year old man
5. Swallowed 8 Tylenol with hot coffee. It hurt like a sonufabitch
6. Fell asleep in a meeting
7. Listened to Take On Me by AHA
8. Smacked my dad in the ear.
9. Watched my mom walk into a tree
10. Wrote this blog that no one will read