4/27/05

I’m getting entirely too much work done today, so here’s a quick 10.

1. Bit the shit out of the inside of my lip
2. Continue to bit the same fucking spot because its now swollen
3. Decided I want to be the next Pope… I bet he gets all kinds of poontang
4. Think Im going to take up smoking so I can take extra breaks
5. Watched an old lady blow through three stop signs… she might have died behind the wheel… I didn’t check
6. Lost control of a lougie while hocking it…it landed on my arm
7. Have a zit right between my eyes… I look Hindu
8. Got my shoe sprayed by a stink bug
9. Talked to Nana and she insisted that tomato sauce would get the smell out
10. I now smell like stink bug ass and ravioli

4/26/05

1. Slammed my finger in my car door
2. Drop kicked a cantaloupe
3. Decapitated several gummie bears
4. Poked my dad in the eye
5. Pee-pee tortured a spider that was in the urinal
6. Crashed a going away party for a coworker that I didn’t know
7. Ate all of the sushi at the going away party
8. Had to pull 3 fuses to get my car alarm to turn off
9. Ate a bowl of Life cereal for lunch
10. Put the milk in the cupboard

Weekend

1. Saw two sea otters humping
2. Listened to a guy with an afro and a bowtie talk about hoe much he “enjoyed gang showers” in front of a packed church
3. Told an old lady I had a sex change when she approached me about wearing Grace and Julia’s name tags at their reunion
4. Drove drunk through a Mc Donald’s Drive through
5. Quoted Lil John several times while ordering our second free Big Mac…. YEEEAHHHH!….. WHAT!!!…. OK!!!
6. Went to the restaurant across the street from my apartment for the first time… I had eggs benedict… It was delicious
7. Slept until 4pm after having breakfast with Grace Steve and Jules
8. Hit my sisters boyfriend with a 4x4
9. Watched the Cartoon and Discovery channels for the remainder of the weekend
10. This man is a genius

My Blogger Weekend

On the Way to the BBQ

1. Woke up at 10am, showered, shaved, dressed and was on the road by 10:15
2. Ate a nasty ass gas station chicken samich (im pretty sure it was seagull) and drank 3 Rockstars
3. Watched a dog jump out of the bed of a speeding truck
4. Saw a guy on a bike face plant while trying to do an endo in traffic
5. Drove through a 6.1 earthquake and didn’t even feel it
6. Got passed like I was standing still by a fucking minivan while I was going around 115 mph
7. Sent 20,000 bugs to their final resting place….my windshield
8. Had the same guy following me on the freeway for around 200 miles
9. Was kinda upset when he finally exited … I felt like we bonded
10. Arrived in Grace and Steve’s place at 3pm and promptly downed my first of many beers

@ The BBQ

1. Met Mike, Nina, and LE for the fist time.
a.Mike is like the frat brother that I never had
b.Nina is cool as fuck and swears like a sailor with Torrets which makes her that much cooler
c. Didn’t talk to LE much because she was making out with her man the whole time ;P… Just playin. LE is awesome and has the coolest glasses ever.
Mel and Jeanette were there also... like I said.... both HOT!
2. Watched part of Howls Moving Castle… someone was on some serious acid while making that movie
3. Learned that Mike is in fact the Illest…. he has the shirt to prove it
4. Shot myself in the eye with a Coors while preparing to shotgun it
5. Shotgunned the Coors right the fuck up my nose
6. Learned my new favorite word from Nina… the word is Tunaloaf. As in “I hate that fucking Tunaloaf bitch”… Spread the news!
7. Watched Mel “spit snot out of her nose”
8. Learned that Mel already had tickets to the gun show
9. Ate some Costco cheesecake…it was delicious
10.Almost got to see Mel in a bikini but Grace ruined it by passing out… thanks Grace ;P

The Ride Home

1. Determined that listing to a comedy CD in the car while in heavy traffic is not the best way to convince people your sane.
2. Accidentally tried to play an video CD Steve burned in my car deck…it didn’t work
3. Ate a bag of cheddar cheese goldfish, a banana, some cheezeits, a brioche, and a mini pound cake on the way home. Thanks again for the healthy snacks Grace
4. Ran over a fucking wooden barrel… Im still trying to figure WTF a wooden barrel doing in the middle of the freeway. I didn’t even know they still made wooden barrels
5. Almost got into a fight with an old lady that swooped on my gas pump
6. Dodged a mattress that flew out the back of a truck
7. Played lets see how far I can drive using only my knees
8. My record is 115 miles… beat that high score fuckers!
9. Saw a bird get obliterated by a semi
10.Had both of my ass cheeks fall asleep on me at the same time

Thanks again Steve and Grace... As always I had a great time!

Blogger can suck.....my balls

I was going to post this on Friday but fuckin Blogger was down …. I hate you Blogger. Anyhoo here it is

1. Saw a guy walking in the rain with headphones, a blue and white striped dress shirt, brown fanny pack, bright green shorts, white and orange polka dot socks, and ox blood colored loafers.
2. Heard someone eating what I can only assume were potato chips while taking a doo-doo in the men’s room
3. Had a bird shit on my arm the second I stepped out of my car
4. Fell off a stationary bike
5. Fried my motherboard on my PC by installing a stick of memory
6. Accidentally broke both ears off Nana’s terracotta bunny… it now looks like a terracotta gopher
7. Got hit in the ear with a cinnamon raisin bagel
8. Listed to my grossly overweight coworker in the cubicle across from me talk about getting a pap smear… I think she’s looking forward to it
9. Have had my headphones on listening to the Prince and Michael Jackson anthologies on Itunes to avoid hearing Jaba over here talking about her poonie
10. No I don’t think Michael Jackson’s guilty, he made Thriller………Thriller

4/1-4/4/05

1. Got shitfaced at a Filipino 1st birthday party
2. Realized that I was in good shape compared to just about everyone else at the party
3. Watched my buddy Joe score a 96 after singing karaoke to Careless Whispers
4. Was offered some Balut (Duck fetus)
5. Came close to eating it until I realized I was going to eat a fucking duck fetus…It had little feathers and a beak for Christ sake!
6. Went to see Sin City…it was Awesome!.. I will marry Jessica Alba one day
7. Got a drunk call from Grace and Mel ….yes it was one of the highlights of my weekend so fuck off
8. Decided I need to stop fucking around and move down south… I hate Monterey…allot!
9. Got a job offer to be a cop
10.Contemplated it for a little while until I realized that I would totally abuse my authority. Id be pulling over cute chicks all day.