HNT Take 2
posted by Rarry at
10:21 PM
|
38 comments
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Questions From Grace
Last fucking time I ever agree to play in one of Grace's games ;P
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1. how old were you when you got your first woody?
How the fuck am I supposed to know? Ive been pitching tents for as long as I can remember. Its not like a boner one day and wrote it down in my diary.
Deer Dieary ;
Tuday my pee pee got hard fore no reezun. I hope I dunt dye!
You should have asked me when I discovered masturbation. I have that fucking date committed to memory. I send my hand flowers and chocolates for its anniversary every year.
2. have you ever had a 3some? please. expound. (muwahaha.)
There...are...I said there are...so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaaaaaaaa. If I can only choose one! If I can only choooooose oooooonnnne! I plead the fif! *pound pound* I plead the fif! * pound pound*
Five! One, two, three, four, fiiiiiiiiiif! Anything you say fiiiiiiiiiif! Go ahead ask me a question……..fiiiiiiiif!
3. would you rather take it in the ass from a small-dicked man or from a SUPER HOT CHICK with an english accent with a VERY LARGE strap-on?
I hate you so much Grace ;p …That one is easy though…Id take it from the SUPER HOT English chick. You see if I were to take it up the poop shoot from a Super Hot chick with a strap-on I would technically still be considered heterosexual. And as we all know I would rather be beaten to death with wet fallopian tubes than be considered a gay.
4. what's your favorite flavor of cheesecake?
Fuck… now that’s though question! … Um Id have to say cherry… no strawberry… no no mango. Fuck who am I kidding you can put some pigs feet on a piece of cheesecake and I wouldn’t turn it down.
5. what's the proudest moment in your life?
How the fuck did this question get in here? OK this is going to be really sappy so be prepared.
I was about 14 and my grandpa and I were playing our weekly game of dominoes. My Nano and I really didn’t have much in common except for dominoes…in fact we were complete opposites. We would constantly butt heads over the smallest things… but when we played a game of bones together it was like none of that mattered. In the hundreds of games we had played I maybe won once or twice by a small margin. But these small wins were enough to keep me coming back for more week after week.
This week had started like all the rest before it. The first two games were close but in the end Nano came out the victor. It was our 3rd or 4th game and it was like the domino gods had smiled upon me. I could do no wrong. I ended up completely decimating Nano for the next 7 games. We were both in shock… I never gloated once and he never said a word… just smiled.
After that game he took me into the garage (his sanctuary) reached into one of his tool cupboards and pulled out a box wrapped in a dirty cloth. He put the box in my hand and proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me and that he was glad he could be around to see me become such a good man. I then unwrapped the box and opened it to find a set of ivory and gold dominoes staring back at me. That was the first and last time in my life that I have cried from being so happy.
Looking back on it I think I knew then why he was giving me the dominoes. I knew he was passing me the patriarchal torch, and I guess we both knew that he didn’t have that long left. I had no idea that those were the last moments that I would get to spend with him though. Nano died 2 days later.
So there ya go … that was the proudest moment of my life… corny I know. But you asked.
----------------------------------
1. how old were you when you got your first woody?
How the fuck am I supposed to know? Ive been pitching tents for as long as I can remember. Its not like a boner one day and wrote it down in my diary.
Deer Dieary ;
Tuday my pee pee got hard fore no reezun. I hope I dunt dye!
You should have asked me when I discovered masturbation. I have that fucking date committed to memory. I send my hand flowers and chocolates for its anniversary every year.
2. have you ever had a 3some? please. expound. (muwahaha.)
There...are...I said there are...so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaaaaaaaa. If I can only choose one! If I can only choooooose oooooonnnne! I plead the fif! *pound pound* I plead the fif! * pound pound*
Five! One, two, three, four, fiiiiiiiiiif! Anything you say fiiiiiiiiiif! Go ahead ask me a question……..fiiiiiiiif!
3. would you rather take it in the ass from a small-dicked man or from a SUPER HOT CHICK with an english accent with a VERY LARGE strap-on?
I hate you so much Grace ;p …That one is easy though…Id take it from the SUPER HOT English chick. You see if I were to take it up the poop shoot from a Super Hot chick with a strap-on I would technically still be considered heterosexual. And as we all know I would rather be beaten to death with wet fallopian tubes than be considered a gay.
4. what's your favorite flavor of cheesecake?
Fuck… now that’s though question! … Um Id have to say cherry… no strawberry… no no mango. Fuck who am I kidding you can put some pigs feet on a piece of cheesecake and I wouldn’t turn it down.
5. what's the proudest moment in your life?
How the fuck did this question get in here? OK this is going to be really sappy so be prepared.
I was about 14 and my grandpa and I were playing our weekly game of dominoes. My Nano and I really didn’t have much in common except for dominoes…in fact we were complete opposites. We would constantly butt heads over the smallest things… but when we played a game of bones together it was like none of that mattered. In the hundreds of games we had played I maybe won once or twice by a small margin. But these small wins were enough to keep me coming back for more week after week.
This week had started like all the rest before it. The first two games were close but in the end Nano came out the victor. It was our 3rd or 4th game and it was like the domino gods had smiled upon me. I could do no wrong. I ended up completely decimating Nano for the next 7 games. We were both in shock… I never gloated once and he never said a word… just smiled.
After that game he took me into the garage (his sanctuary) reached into one of his tool cupboards and pulled out a box wrapped in a dirty cloth. He put the box in my hand and proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me and that he was glad he could be around to see me become such a good man. I then unwrapped the box and opened it to find a set of ivory and gold dominoes staring back at me. That was the first and last time in my life that I have cried from being so happy.
Looking back on it I think I knew then why he was giving me the dominoes. I knew he was passing me the patriarchal torch, and I guess we both knew that he didn’t have that long left. I had no idea that those were the last moments that I would get to spend with him though. Nano died 2 days later.
So there ya go … that was the proudest moment of my life… corny I know. But you asked.
posted by Rarry at
11:34 AM
|
10 comments
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Dirty Water
Well I was going to write a review of the San Diego Comic Con that I went to this last weekend. But since Im a lazy fucker Im just going to post a link to Steve's review since he wrote one about 10,000 times better than I could. However I will leave you with this little gem.
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It was on a Sunday about two months ago. The night before had been spent getting tanked, breaking shit, and passing out in my car-port for a couple hours. I didn't realize the extent of my hangover until my roommate left the house slamming the front door on his way out. It was like someone hit me in the face with a wet boot...it fucking hurt like a sonofabitch! Alas I had gone out that night knowing full well what the morning had in store for me, so being the genius that I am the only thing I had scheduled that day was some marathon cartoon watching.
Around noon I poured myself out of bed, grabbed a blanket, put on my Homer slippers and hunkered down for some Cartoon cartoons. After about 3 hours of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Kids Next Door, and Teen Titans I began to get hungry...it was then I realized I had not one fucking stitch of food in my house (except for some beer) Now being the lazy hung-over fuck that I am instead of going to the store or a fast food place to buy food, I drove my ass over my parents house so Nana could make me a sandwich.
When I got to my parents house the only person there was Nana. Mom and Dad had gone to spend the day at an Indian casino, while my sister and her boyfriend shopped in San Francisco. This meant that Nana and I could now watch the Sci-Fi channel on the big screen without anyone bitching at us... after she made my samich that is.
I don't know why but as we were watching movies I had the sudden urge to clip my toe nails. I mean they weren't eagle claws or anything yet... but they could definitely use a little bit of trimming. So I grabbed the clippers and started to trim my nails right there in the living room while watching a rerun of some lame Sci-Fi channel movie. Now Im no slob... so instead of letting my toe nails fly all over the living room, I clipped them one by one and dropping them into a half empty water bottle I had brought with me.
A few hours later my buddy Chris calls to invite me for sushi later that night. Im not one to pass up sushi do I head out leaving the bottle behind. I eat an ungodly amount of sushi that night, go home and pass out in front of the TV watching some more cartoons.
Around 12am I get a phone call
Unknown caller: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!!... IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!
Me: Ummm ... who is this?
Unknown caller: ITS CINI!!! (my sister)
Me: Oh ...hey cin.. what did I do now?
Cini: I came home From San Fran and I was in the living room watching TV...I got thirsty and I didn't want to go to the kitchen to get a drink, so I grabbed the water bottle on the coffee table.
Me: *giggle*
Cini: I took a sip and it tasted like toe... So I took another sip and I swallowed one of your fucking toenails!
Me: Wait.... you took another sip after the first sip tasted like toe?
Cini: yeah
Me: You're an idiot go to sleep
----------------------------
It was on a Sunday about two months ago. The night before had been spent getting tanked, breaking shit, and passing out in my car-port for a couple hours. I didn't realize the extent of my hangover until my roommate left the house slamming the front door on his way out. It was like someone hit me in the face with a wet boot...it fucking hurt like a sonofabitch! Alas I had gone out that night knowing full well what the morning had in store for me, so being the genius that I am the only thing I had scheduled that day was some marathon cartoon watching.
Around noon I poured myself out of bed, grabbed a blanket, put on my Homer slippers and hunkered down for some Cartoon cartoons. After about 3 hours of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Kids Next Door, and Teen Titans I began to get hungry...it was then I realized I had not one fucking stitch of food in my house (except for some beer) Now being the lazy hung-over fuck that I am instead of going to the store or a fast food place to buy food, I drove my ass over my parents house so Nana could make me a sandwich.
When I got to my parents house the only person there was Nana. Mom and Dad had gone to spend the day at an Indian casino, while my sister and her boyfriend shopped in San Francisco. This meant that Nana and I could now watch the Sci-Fi channel on the big screen without anyone bitching at us... after she made my samich that is.
I don't know why but as we were watching movies I had the sudden urge to clip my toe nails. I mean they weren't eagle claws or anything yet... but they could definitely use a little bit of trimming. So I grabbed the clippers and started to trim my nails right there in the living room while watching a rerun of some lame Sci-Fi channel movie. Now Im no slob... so instead of letting my toe nails fly all over the living room, I clipped them one by one and dropping them into a half empty water bottle I had brought with me.
A few hours later my buddy Chris calls to invite me for sushi later that night. Im not one to pass up sushi do I head out leaving the bottle behind. I eat an ungodly amount of sushi that night, go home and pass out in front of the TV watching some more cartoons.
Around 12am I get a phone call
Unknown caller: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!!... IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!
Me: Ummm ... who is this?
Unknown caller: ITS CINI!!! (my sister)
Me: Oh ...hey cin.. what did I do now?
Cini: I came home From San Fran and I was in the living room watching TV...I got thirsty and I didn't want to go to the kitchen to get a drink, so I grabbed the water bottle on the coffee table.
Me: *giggle*
Cini: I took a sip and it tasted like toe... So I took another sip and I swallowed one of your fucking toenails!
Me: Wait.... you took another sip after the first sip tasted like toe?
Cini: yeah
Me: You're an idiot go to sleep
posted by Rarry at
12:34 PM
|
9 comments
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Fireworks and a Dike Fight
IM BACK!!!. Sorry guys been really busy lately. Trying to cram in a ton of work over the last couple weeks so I can head down to Comic Con this weekend. Anyhoo in the spirit of Independence day I thought I’d share a little tale with you all about my 4th last year. Enjoy!
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Time: July 4th 2004
Place: My aunts house Seaside Ca.
The day started out like most 4ths before it. In the back yard my dad and uncle stood around the grill polishing off their 3rd case of Pabst Blue Ribbon… paying more attention to the can pyramid they created rather than the meat they were cremating on the Webber. In the kitchen my aunt, mom and Nana were arguing about something insignificant as always… and true to form Nana got pissed off and hunkered down in the living room to further delaying dinner. And as for me… well me and my cousin were blowing up anything we could get our hands on in the front yard with our newly acquired arsenal of illegal fireworks we had secured from a trip to Wyoming just a few weeks earlier. So meat was burning, women were yelling, and all kinds of shit was getting blowed up good. It was shaping up to be a glorious 4th.
Several hours later the time that we had all been waiting for had arrived. Darkness had fallen and it was now time to light the $500 worth of California illegal fireworks. It was fucking spectacular!… The show we put on far rivaled that of the $10,000 display put on by the city. There must have been at least 100 people that had gathered around from the surrounding blocks to watch our show. We couldn’t light fireworks fast enough… we were lighting 5,6 at a time and we weren’t even putting dent in our stash. After about an hour and a half of this the crowd started to get tired and dispersed… but being the little pyros we are ...we kept on lighting.
All of a sudden a black Jimmy pulls up completely blocking my aunts driveway and out jump three ghetto ass black girls and a big burly ass Mexican chick wearing a hoody some baggy ass pants and a due rag…obviously a bull dike. So my uncle walks down the driveway and politely tells the broad who was driving to please get her piece of shit out of his driveway. The chick smiles flips my uncle the bird and says “ fuck you… I’ll move it when I want to “ .. Bad fuckin move… My aunt hears her say this and she fucking loses it. I cant remember exactly how the following conversation went but there were quite a few 4 letter words used and more that one threat to call the cops. So after about 5 minutes of this the chick takes off to catch up with her friends leaving her car there.
Naturally… my aunt instantly calls the police. While shes on the phone I calmly walk to the back of the Jimmy grab the biggest fountain firework I can find and set if off right on top of the bumper. When the show was over my cousin and I grabed all the illegal fireworks we had laying around and ran into the house to stash them. When we came back out we open the door to find two of the chicks on either side of my aunt staring her down, my uncle at the end of the drive way with one chick by the hair, and the big burly Mexican chick barreling her way up the drive way to start some shit. So my cousin and I spring into action. I told him I would handle the two crazy bitches that had pinned my aunt in a corner while he handled the big dike coming up the drive way.
The two crazy bitches ran straight to the car as soon as I mentioned the police (they must have been on parole or sumthin) and the chick that my uncle had by the hair followed suit…minus some extensions. The big bitch on the other hand was a different story. When I turned around I see this chick stepping up to my cousin… and my cousin not being as gentlemanly as I am was cocked back getting ready to drop this beast like a ton of bricks. I didn’t see this ending well ….especially since the cops were on the way. So I stepped in between this rabid dike and my cousin in hopes that she would step down since Im a bigger guy than my cousin…. Boy was I wrong. This bitch had about 20lbs on me and she knew it... so she wasn’t about to back down like no punk.
So at this point I basically had two choices. I could (a) hit this dike in the face put her in the hospital and end up in jail (by now I had no qualms about hitting a girl… dikes are just men with out penises anyway) or (b) I could make a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation which might end with me getting a beat down by lesbian. Being the nice guy I am I chose B.
So I back off, put down my arms, looked her dead in the eyes and give this chick the biggest shit-eating grin you could ever imagine… However his seemed to enrage the beast even more… but I held my ground. It was then that I spoke the words that shall forever immortalize me in my families lineage. I took a step toward her and maintaining eye contact and said “ Hey…. you know what…. your kinda cute”. It was like someone hit her with a sock full of quarters. She stepped back stunned…shook out the cob webs, cocked a little smile and blushed harder than I have ever seen anyone blush in my life. Then she replied “hehe… thanks.. your pretty cute too” … Just then one of the chicks that was in the car jumped out grabbed the bull dike by the arm screaming “ LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THE COPS ARE COMING” … the bull dike eyes still locked on mine smiling like a teenage girl in love calmly replied “ no its cool… were ok… Hes cute huh?”. The chick stopped dead in her tracks looked at the dike like she completly lost it and said “ yeah hes cute… but you don’t like dick anyway! “.... and with that they gone.
-----------------------------
Time: July 4th 2004
Place: My aunts house Seaside Ca.
The day started out like most 4ths before it. In the back yard my dad and uncle stood around the grill polishing off their 3rd case of Pabst Blue Ribbon… paying more attention to the can pyramid they created rather than the meat they were cremating on the Webber. In the kitchen my aunt, mom and Nana were arguing about something insignificant as always… and true to form Nana got pissed off and hunkered down in the living room to further delaying dinner. And as for me… well me and my cousin were blowing up anything we could get our hands on in the front yard with our newly acquired arsenal of illegal fireworks we had secured from a trip to Wyoming just a few weeks earlier. So meat was burning, women were yelling, and all kinds of shit was getting blowed up good. It was shaping up to be a glorious 4th.
Several hours later the time that we had all been waiting for had arrived. Darkness had fallen and it was now time to light the $500 worth of California illegal fireworks. It was fucking spectacular!… The show we put on far rivaled that of the $10,000 display put on by the city. There must have been at least 100 people that had gathered around from the surrounding blocks to watch our show. We couldn’t light fireworks fast enough… we were lighting 5,6 at a time and we weren’t even putting dent in our stash. After about an hour and a half of this the crowd started to get tired and dispersed… but being the little pyros we are ...we kept on lighting.
All of a sudden a black Jimmy pulls up completely blocking my aunts driveway and out jump three ghetto ass black girls and a big burly ass Mexican chick wearing a hoody some baggy ass pants and a due rag…obviously a bull dike. So my uncle walks down the driveway and politely tells the broad who was driving to please get her piece of shit out of his driveway. The chick smiles flips my uncle the bird and says “ fuck you… I’ll move it when I want to “ .. Bad fuckin move… My aunt hears her say this and she fucking loses it. I cant remember exactly how the following conversation went but there were quite a few 4 letter words used and more that one threat to call the cops. So after about 5 minutes of this the chick takes off to catch up with her friends leaving her car there.
Naturally… my aunt instantly calls the police. While shes on the phone I calmly walk to the back of the Jimmy grab the biggest fountain firework I can find and set if off right on top of the bumper. When the show was over my cousin and I grabed all the illegal fireworks we had laying around and ran into the house to stash them. When we came back out we open the door to find two of the chicks on either side of my aunt staring her down, my uncle at the end of the drive way with one chick by the hair, and the big burly Mexican chick barreling her way up the drive way to start some shit. So my cousin and I spring into action. I told him I would handle the two crazy bitches that had pinned my aunt in a corner while he handled the big dike coming up the drive way.
The two crazy bitches ran straight to the car as soon as I mentioned the police (they must have been on parole or sumthin) and the chick that my uncle had by the hair followed suit…minus some extensions. The big bitch on the other hand was a different story. When I turned around I see this chick stepping up to my cousin… and my cousin not being as gentlemanly as I am was cocked back getting ready to drop this beast like a ton of bricks. I didn’t see this ending well ….especially since the cops were on the way. So I stepped in between this rabid dike and my cousin in hopes that she would step down since Im a bigger guy than my cousin…. Boy was I wrong. This bitch had about 20lbs on me and she knew it... so she wasn’t about to back down like no punk.
So at this point I basically had two choices. I could (a) hit this dike in the face put her in the hospital and end up in jail (by now I had no qualms about hitting a girl… dikes are just men with out penises anyway) or (b) I could make a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation which might end with me getting a beat down by lesbian. Being the nice guy I am I chose B.
So I back off, put down my arms, looked her dead in the eyes and give this chick the biggest shit-eating grin you could ever imagine… However his seemed to enrage the beast even more… but I held my ground. It was then that I spoke the words that shall forever immortalize me in my families lineage. I took a step toward her and maintaining eye contact and said “ Hey…. you know what…. your kinda cute”. It was like someone hit her with a sock full of quarters. She stepped back stunned…shook out the cob webs, cocked a little smile and blushed harder than I have ever seen anyone blush in my life. Then she replied “hehe… thanks.. your pretty cute too” … Just then one of the chicks that was in the car jumped out grabbed the bull dike by the arm screaming “ LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THE COPS ARE COMING” … the bull dike eyes still locked on mine smiling like a teenage girl in love calmly replied “ no its cool… were ok… Hes cute huh?”. The chick stopped dead in her tracks looked at the dike like she completly lost it and said “ yeah hes cute… but you don’t like dick anyway! “.... and with that they gone.
posted by Rarry at
3:49 PM
|
15 comments
