Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 3)

Have you ever been in so much pain that you prayed for the sweet release of death?... … I have… Every time I took a breath it felt like someone was tap dancing on my nuts with cleats. Between my testicle trauma and Drew’s concussion we were a sad fuckin bunch in the back seat on the way home. I was passing out every couple minutes from the pain while Drew puked his fucking guts out like some kind of bulimic cocker spaniel. Real fuckin fun ride home.

About 10 minutes into the ride Justin spotted an abandoned Gatorade stand on the side of the road.

Justin: Hey look…. Gatorade!

Jason: Oh yeah they had a triathlon over here this weekend

Another 10 minutes into the ride and a second abandoned Gatorade stand appears on the side of the road.

Justin: STOP THE CAR!!!!

Bam!!.. Car slams to a fuckin halt. Justins fat ass was out in a fucking shot …he jumped out the damn of car before it even stopped. It was like the mother fucker was on high on PCP…Twinkies…or some shit. I have never seen a fat kid move so fast in my life. Before I knew what the hell was going on chubby had loaded 5 full cases of Gatorade, a case of water bottles and two full size water coolers in the back of the boat. To make room for our ill gotten thirst quenchers Justin was forced to rearrange all the shit in the boat…Not a good move.

An hour later we are driving down the freeway and a guy in a Civic pulls up next to us and motions to JD to roll down the window.

Guy in Civic: Hey….*sumthin sumthin*…bag flew out

JD: Fuck!!! ….Thanks

So we immediately pull over and start checking shit out.

Me: Sweet… my bags still here

JD: Got mine

Jason: My bags here

Drew: My shits here

Justin: FUCK!!!! … My wallets in my bag!

So being the nice group of guys we are we turned back and went to look for Justin’s bag on the side of the road. A couple minutes later we got to the point on the freeway that the guy in the Civic pulled up next to us. We slowed down checked the side of the road and nothing. Made another loop looked and again nothing. Justin flipped the fuck out!

Justin: Dude we have to go back to the lake.

There was no rationalizing with this fucker. We tried to explain to him that the guy wouldn’t have pulled up and told us that we lost a bag if we left the fucker at the lake. We tried to tell him that getting out of the car and looking for the damn thing would be a better option… still no go. So to stop the fat ass from crying the whole way home we obliged him and went headed back to the lake. 5 minutes into the ride we all just stopped looking. Drew and I passed out right off the bat… Drew again from the concussion I from the pain, Jason was building Cheeto castles on the front seat, and poor JD was stuck driving while Justin looked for a bag that was most likely behind us .

About 10 minutes away from the lake JD pissed off beyond belief started mumbling under his breath.

JD: Dude its not going to be here. Why would the guy had pulled up next to us when he did if we lost the damn bag at the lake?

Justin: Oh yeah huh ……. Lets go back and look

Im surprised JD didn’t drive the car into a ditch and kill us all. We drove around for a fucking hour for this fat ass and 10 minutes from the lake FINALLY gets it. Long story short the fucking bag was gone. Sure there was some crying… some “Im hungry I want a Whopper” but eventually Justin came to terms with his loss and we made our way back home.

About 30 minutes away from home we start getting low on gas. JD finds a 7-11 we pull over and everyone piles out of the car. JD, Drew, and Justin go inside to go the bathroom while Jason and I chilled outside and pumped the gas. A few minutes later Justin comes out with a smile on his face a Slim Jim and some Laffy Taffy in his hand that JD bought him. Everyone piled in the car got situated and prayed that the rest of the ride home would be a quik one….

The fuckin second the doors closed…

Justin: …….Pfffrrrrrrbtttttt!!!

Me: You sick ass mother fucker!!!… You couldn’t have farted 30 seconds ago???

Normally I would have kicked him in the larynx… but since the simple bastard just lost his wallet I let it go. The next thing I know we were home. Apparently I had passed out AGAIN... not from the pain this time... but from an buildup of methane in the cab.

The End

Jesus Hearts Birthdays

1. Stole a dagger from my brother Numsey
2. Got yelled at by my aunt for like 10 minutes after I threw a hamburger at my cousin…not for throwing the hamburger… but because I made a mess on the concrete outside
3. Gave my cousin this card for his birthday



4. Inside the card was the pink slip to his own car
5. Was at the movies waiting for the 40 Year Old Virgin to start and got a sudden urge to throw one of my peanut M&Ms at a random guys head
6. Came to the conclusion that I might just have a problem with throwing things at people
7. Found out that we just got just got fiber optic cable installed at work…Now I can screw around on the internet AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!
8. Realized how much I enjoy loading the printer at work. Its like Christmas except the only present I get is paper…that’s not mine
9. Saw a guy stall out a 1.5 million dollar ferrari
10. Ate all the Rice Crispy treats that my mom made for a funeral

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 2)

Note to self: Next time you decide to get hammered while camping you need to…
A: Remember to inflate the air mattress BEFORE drinking yourself into a coma
B: Do Not pass out on a bed of sticks and rocks. It is not as comfortable as a real bed though it may seem like it after a case of beer.
C: NEVER sleep in the same tent as Justin… the bastard snores louder than a dump truck falling off the Empire State building.

The next morning I woke up around 8am… still pretty buzzed. Between fuckin Large Marge snoring, my choice of sleeping spots and an overfilled bladder there was no way I was going back to sleep. I put on my hoody, trampled my way over several inebriated bodies and proceeded to relieve myself on Justins overnight bag. When he woke an hour later I told him it was the morning dew that made his bag so wet.

As I sat there by myself taking in the beauty of the lake I began to get a little shook up inside. My chest began to feel heavy…my eyes began to well up with tears it was one of the most beauti….ahh…. wait a sec … never mind …it was the chili and beer creeping up on me. Time to take a deuce. Luckily there was a restroom not too far away. The stalls must have been made in Ethiopia because I actually had to turn sideways to sit on the crapper without my shoulders touching the walls. As I went about doing my business the walls of the stall began to shake….then moans and grunts started coming out of the stall next to me. Either the bathroom was haunted or someone needed more fiber in his diet. So to avoid getting injured I snapped my yam and got the fuck out of there.

When I got back to the camp site the rest of the guys had woken up and were already starting to cook breakfast. On the menu breakfast burritos. Chubby Tits AKA Justin was assigned cooking duties in hopes of an encore to the previous nights grilled cheese samiches, while the rest of us enjoyed appetizers of Cheetos beef jerky and bagels. Not one to disappoint Justin followed up his samiches by showing us that the ideal ratio for eggs and cheese is 3/1. Three slices of American cheese to every egg. Sure it was more like a cheesy slurry … but it was a delicious cheesy slurry. Lets face it this fucker didn’t get as fat as he is by NOT knowing how to cook.

Bellies full JD, Justin, Jason and I launched the boat around 10am leaving Drew to clean up the big fuckin mess we left behind. On the first trip out we didn’t do much. JD and I took turns trying to get up on the single ski but neither of us had the coordination to even get out of the water. After a couple turns a piece we ended up running the boat around the lake for a little bit. We all have ADD so it didn’t take us long to get bored… a half hour later we headed back to camp to pick up Drew and the big two man inner tube. The second we got out of the boat Drew ran down to meet us all at the shore line.

Drew: Dude… I was just in the bathroom taking a shit… and this guy in the stall next to me was like kicking the door and groaning and shit.

Me: No way… how long ago did you go?

Drew: About 10 minutes ago

Me: *calculating in my head*….carry the 1…..Haha… that fucking guy has been in there for over 2 hours!

Drew: I bet you he got stuck in there… those fuckin stalls are small

With that we all headed out for some toobin. It started off innocent enough. One person on the tube at a time… when JD and I felt that they had been on long enough we would shake them off. But since this was a two man tube that is supposedly “unflippable” it took more effort than usual to do so. This made for some pretty spectacular wipe outs when we were finally able to throw them off. We eventually became bored …again… so we decided to progress to two guys on the tube at a time.

JD and Jason were up first with myself at the wheel. For the first 5 minutes or so I went easy with them… so much so that JD was standing up on the fucking tube doing tricks. I gradually opened the throttle and threw in some lazy S’s … JD sat back down and got a better grip for the ride ahead. After another 7-8 minutes I decided it was time for them to go down. I opened up the throttle about half way (about 45 mph) and started cutting the S’s a little tighter… another 3 minutes pass and the fuckers are still hanging on. Ok now it was time to pull out the big guns… it was time for the whip. I throttled down and began a wide turn.. Just as the tube started following the boats path I cut back into the direction of the tube and gunned it. SNAP!!!! Jason shot off the tube like a fucking bottle rocket… before JD could grab a handle to even out the tube it flipped over tossing him off ass over tea kettle.

The second JD got back on the boat I knew my ass was grass.

JD: Your turn fucker

ME: … ahhh shit…. Ok …. Whos coming with me?

Justin: I’ll go!

Justin and I hop on the tube and before we can even get going the front of the tube dips down and drags us both underwater.

Me: JUSTINS TOO FUCKIN FAT!!!! DREW… GET ON THE TUBE!!!!

Drews about a buck 45 so I would much rather have him topple over me when the tube flips than all three hundred pounds of chubbalub. Right off the bat JD guns it at ¾ throttle. There were a couple of turns that he almost bucked us off but Drew and I refused to be shaken…hitting the water at 50mph hurts like a sonofabitch and we both new that all too well. All of a sudden I heard the engine rev… The mother fucker pinned the throttle.

We weren’t even touching the water anymore we were going so fast… we just kinda hovered in mid air… feet dragging in the water the only thing left stabilizing us. Let me tell you dragging your feet in the water at about 75 mph feels like dragging them though gravel. I didn’t even want to know what my whole body hitting the water would feel like. We were quickly approaching the end of the lake so Drew and I readied ourselves for the upcoming turn. But before we even had a chance to move I saw JD wave to a nearby boat like “hey watch this” then he cut a damn near 90 degree turn at full throttle. Im surprised the fucker didn’t flip the boat. We didn’t even stand a chance… we had to be pulling at least 8 Gs. Next thing I know Drew loses his grip sending him into me like a fucking wrecking ball. I shit you not.. I skipped on the surface of that lake damn near 15 times limbs flailing like a rag doll, Drew slamming into me the whole way. When I finally came to rest in the water a few hundred feet away from the initial launch I felt a searing pain in my crotchal reigon. You see as my limbs flailed about as I bounced off the water my legs splayed open driving one leg into the water focusing all my momentum squarely on my scrotum. That’s right folks I used my balls as brakes.

Well that train wreck pretty much ended the trip. I could barely walk and Drew had a mean fucking concussion so we packed up our shit and went on our way.

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Stay tuned for Pt. 3...The Ride Home

gay Gay GAY!!!!

So I just walked into the men’s restroom (at work mind you) and both of the urinals were occupied. Now normally this wouldn’t bother me…but as I was waiting for one of the urinals to free up I noticed that the two gentleman that had them occupied were HOLDING FUCKING HANDS! At the urinal!!!…. While they were making pee pee!!!… One hand on the dong the other holding the hand of the man next to him. WTF!!!!!… I have never seen anything quite this homo in my life. Fearing that I may have become a little more gay for having witnessed this I did what any other heterosexual male in my position would do ….. I fucking sprinted out of the bathroom screaming and crying like a little girl.

Im still a little bit shaken… I think I need to be held…….BY A WOMAN!!! …preferably with big boobies

HNT 4... Its That Time Again

So have you all bought your tickets yet?......


TO THE GUN SHOW!!!!!!!

Yeah I know its a shitty pic.

You try flexing and holding a camera at the same time....its not fucking easy!

For more HNT Madness check out OS ...The MAN

Camping With Uncle Larry (Pt. 1)

A couple months ago I get a call from my cousin JD

JD: Hey Lar.. you wanna go out to the lake this weekend?
Me: Uhhh… sure … I don’t have anything else going on.
JD: Cool… meet me at my place after work. You get the booze, I’ll get the gas for the boat, Jason and Drew will cover food, and Justin will get the camp site.
Me: Sounds like a plan…see ya after work

After work I headed to Safeway to get the weekends booze. My cousin and his friends haven’t really developed a taste for beer yet so they will pretty much drink anything to get drunk. With this being known I went for the cheapest piss water that I could possibly find. Just so happens that week 30 packs of Coors Light were on sale for $9.99..Score! We were going to be at the lake for a couple of days so I got 4 of the 30 packs for my cousin and his friends and a case of Gordon Beirsch for myself.

I got to my cousins place around 6pm. Pretty much everything was already packed up and ready to go… we just needed to wait for his buddy Justin to show up with the tents. 6:30 rolls around… no Justin, 7:00… no Justin…. the mother fucker finally shows up at 7:30 talking about he got caught up in traffic. This may have been a good excuse if we lived in a larger city but considering there is absolutely no traffic in Monterey we agreed that a punishment was in order. After giving Justin the ass beating of a lifetime then throwing him in the trunk we finally began our two hour drive.

In the two hours it took to get to the lake we ate half of our food ration for the weekend, got our windshield shattered by a rogue avocado, and had a cooler lid fly out of the boat knocking the side mirror of a BMW behind us. Oh yeah this was already shaping up to be a good weekend.

We finally got to the lake around 9:45 pm…by this time it was pitch fuckin black outside and most of the good camp sites had already been taken. It took us a good hour to finally find a camp site and damn near another hour to back the fucking boat into the spot. Those cold beers were looking mighty good about now.

By the time we got the boat situated it was close to midnight. Before we even lit a fire, set up a tent, or lit a lantern, we all shot gunned a few silver bullets for a job well done. Luckily it didn’t take long to set up camp (maybe 30 minutes). It probably could have been done in 15 but apparently setting up a tent with a beer in hand required more coordination any of us had.

12:30am and it was finally time for dinner. On the menu that night we had chili dogs, potato salad, and some ice cold beer. Sounds delicious doesn’t it? Just one little problem… no one brought a fucking can opener for the chili. I’ll be damned if I was going to have a chili dog without chili…that’s just plain out blasphemous! We were going to have to improvise.

Me: What the fuck do we have to open this can of chili?
Drew: I have some keys!
Me: Your retarded… drink you beer.
Jason: I have a pocket knife?
Me: Perfect …throw it here.

Imagine if you will. Larry 8 or 9 beers deep standing on top of a picnic table, beer in one hand… pocket knife in the other…stabbing the shit out of a can of chili. I know…not exactly one of my proudest moments… but after a few minutes of hacking, sawing, and cursing the can of chili I was finally able to extract the majority of its precious nectar.

We drank, ate, and bullshitted for hours. I blew through my case of beer faster than I had originally planned.. No biggie right? There should be plenty of Coors left.

Me: Hey J.. throw me a Coors
JD: ….Ummmm…..there is no more
Me: You gotta be fucking kidding me?…Let me look!

Sure as shit there wasn’t a one fucking beer left in the cooler. The little bastards tore through 120 beers in less than 3 hours. Impressive huh? Oh well fuck it… it was getting late anyway and we had a full day on the lake in the morning..it was time to call it a night. It became obvious really fast that I was the only one with this idea.

Justin: HEY…WHO WANTS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH??!!!
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now?.. Its 3am you fat shit!
Everyone else: I want one
Me:………Ahh fuck it… Ill have one too.

Guys… I shit you not. This chubby bastard made the best grilled cheese samich I have had in my LIFE! To start with instead of using only a couple pieces of cheese he used like 6 slices of Velveeta per samich. And his cooking style… well it was just a thing of beauty. This fat ass had the whole stick of butter in his hand and was basting one side of the sandwich while the other cooked. He was literally grating the butter on the toasted bread. It was awesome!

Now that we were completely hammered and out arteries sufficiently clogged we decided it was time to call it a night. I headed to the car to grab my sleeping bag while the rest of the guys put the food away so we didn’t get attacked by bears. On my way back to the tent two Rangers jump out at me from behind a tree like a couple of fucking ninjas. So I did what any drunk would do if they were being attacked by ninjas…I swung at the fuckers. Luckily for them they were able to use some kind of ninja magic and create three copies of themselves leaving my punch connecting with nothing but air. They were not happy.

Ninja Ranger: You guys need to go to sleep right now or your going to have to leave the park!!!!!
Me: We were going to sleep before you jumped out of the fucking trees at us!
JD: Haha…. You going to drive us home if you kick us out?
NR: What did you just say?
Me: Nothing… we’re going to sleep.
NR: NOW!

So we all got tucked in nice and tight and attempted to go to sleep.

JD: Gnite Larry, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Me: Gnite JD, Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Justin: Gnite JD. Gnite Larry, Gnite Jason, Gnite Drew
Jason: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Larry, Gnite Drew
Drew: Gnite JD. Gnite Justin, Gnite Jason, Gnite Larry

NR: YOU GUYS GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!!!!

Everyone (In unison) : GNITE RANGERS!!!!
Drew: We love you!

And with that we all fell into a drunken slumber.

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To Be Continued….

HNT 3 Revenge of the Dragon

Rawr!!!
























Getting pretty close to the gun show Nina... Have you bought your tickets yet?

Please stop by and give some props the the king of HNT

6 Pack Abs, Top Gun and West End Girls

1. Was attacked by a urinal
2. Got hit in the face with a rock on the freeway
3. Came to the realization fitness celebrity John Basedow has a big fuckin head
4. Realized the Kenny Loggins is the king of 80s movie theme songs (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Top Gun, Foot loose, Caddy Shack.. The guys a fuckin genius)
5. Have been unable to get the smell of tuna off of my hands… and no that’s not the reason my hands smell like tuna
6. Woke up to find my roommate had moved out and stolen my toothbrush
7. Determined the mother fucker must pay!
8. Will be using all of his mail as TP from here on out
9. Got caught rockin out to the Pet Shop Boys
10. Decided that when I grow up I want to be just like Captain Lou Albano