10 Things I Did Today

Thursday, June 30, 2005

T.P., Bubble Yum, and Hot Dogs

1. Caught a gay co-worker cleaning the mens room with a wad of T.P
2. Got the piss kicked out of me by a 50yr old man
3. Stuck a wad of Grape Bubble Yum in my sisters ear
4. Got most of the gum in her hair
5. Bit a cat
6. Sneezed on an old ladies neck
7. Was entertained for 30 minutes by a paperclip
8. Blew up a hot dog in my microwave
9. Smacked the shit out of a orangutan …..ok so it was just a guy that looked like an orangutan..I still smacked the fuck out of him
10. Got my hand caught in a copy machine


Fart Flavor of the Day: Hot chocolate and dead moose

Friday, June 24, 2005

God Im Such an Asshole!!!….as if you didn’t know that already

Let me just start off by saying that I feel like shit ran over twice right now. Whose ever idea it was to make dollar drink nights on Thursdays is a sadistic bastard and I hope they choke on their own genitalia.

So this morning in between taking naps at my desk and reading blogs, I decide that it might be a good idea to get some of the work that’s been sitting in my inbox done. Now Im bordering on retard status right now so the simplest of instructions need to be explained to be several times. For some reason today the words “add art to this page” completely baffled me and I soon found myself standing in a walkway asking one of the project coordinators to explain this cryptic text.

After several minutes of the coordinator staring at me like I just farted (which I did) and wondering how I was able to tie my own shoes this morning, we finally came to an understanding. But before I was able to turn around and make my way back to my desk the ground started to shake. Living in California all my life earthquakes aren’t really a big deal to me so I did what I normally do. I braced myself and I shouted “EARTHQUAKE” to warn my fellow coworkers who had not felt it yet. But for some strange reason even after my verbal alarm not one person moved… There was no stampeded to stand in the nearest door jam… not one soul made a motion to dive under their desk.. and to my disappointment there was no ducking or covering. Everyone just sat there motionless… staring at me with their mouths open.

At this point the only thing I could think was “Fuck me……..”… I knew what was coming… but still I had to turn around and marvel at the train wreck that I had just created. And when I turned around there she was.. all 4 feet 11 inches, 400 pounds of her staring me down like I just stole her last candy bar. I was speechless…….her resemblance to Tangina from Poltergeist was uncanny… I kept that observation to myself though. But now I was stuck I had to say something… so I took a deep breath…pulled back my shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and did what any gentleman in my position would do… I gave her back her candy bar and laughed so hard I peed myself.

Im so fired....

Monday, June 20, 2005

Cupcakes, Back Flips, and Boogers

1. I was thinking…I wonder if a Japanese kid was the first one to call a Cray Fish a Crawdad… “Hey rook they have sucha rittle craw Dad.”
2. Was hit in the back of the head with a shoe…that just so happened to be attached to someone’s foot
3. Proceeded to stick that same shoe up that someone’s ass
4. Ate the Burger King Eggnormous Omelet Sandwich for breakfast
5. Had a heart attack 5 minutes later (those fucking things have 1000 cals and 70 grams of fat)
6. Got ditched by my dad when I went to hang out with him on Fathers day
7. Ate the cupcakes my sister made him just to spite him
8. Determined I can no longer do a backflip
9. Learned that it is not a good idea to honk your horn at a policeman even if he does look like your friend
10. Learned that it really isnt a good idea to tell that police man he has a booger in his nose…even if you are just trying to help

Fart Flavor of the Day: Broccoli and toothpaste

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

What Blogger Am I?

today i will learn to use the power of qi…
i am prepared to harness its infinite power to move cigarette boxes and start small fires in my living room.
however my sefu does not believe i am ready to do so..

so i will revolt!
i will use jedi mind tricks to best him and subsequently exploit his knowledge to conquer the world.

once I amass my vast domain, i will then teach Nana the force… she can then make me breakfast whilst watching Jerry Springer.
it shall be grand!
_______________________

check the results on Mike's blog

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Scooby Snacks, Windex and Burritos

1. Ate Scooby Snacks cereal for breakfast
2. Told a complete strange I loved him
3. K.O.ed my best friends brother
4. Sprayed Windex in my cousins face
5. Got someone else’s puke on my shirt
6. Was suckered into the great blogger swap of 2005…thanks Mike
7. Got chin checked by a 3 year old little girl…3 year olds can hit fuckin hard
8. Asked for a bite of my sisters burrito and ate half of it in one bite
9. Got the rest of the burrito thrown at my face
10. Ate the rest of the burrito…it was delicious

Fart Flavor of the Day: Mocha and string beans

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Following in Grace's footsteps I will be offering a prize for whoever is my 10,000th hit. Simply email me a screen shot and in return I will send you super sweet pic of me (which is a pretty shitty prize) or a naked pic of my x girlfriend.

Good luck

Friday, June 10, 2005

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.4

The next day was to be spent at the then new Disney California Adventure park. At this point I just wanted to go home…the excitement and embarrassment from the preceding days events were far too great for any 18 year old to handle. But it was far from over.

Our day started off as any other family vacation would. Fist fights to see who got to take the first shower, dad stealing towels and shampoo from the maid cart, and a lovely continental breakfast in the lobby of our hotel. It was shaping up to be a good day.

After breakfast it was straight to the park. Luckily the line times at the California Adventure park weren’t nearly as long as the regular Disney Land lines. This was definitely a good thing because we no longer had the use of dad’s cripple pass. Apparently Disney won’t issue you a handicapped pass if you had two separate heart attacks on their rides in the same day… Go figure. So yeah the short line times were cool… that is until we realized that the reason the line times were so short was because Disney’s California Adventure sucks diseased baboon testicles.

But being the good sports that we are my sister and I decide to make the best of it. After a series of horrendous Disnsyfied carnival rides we found our way to the Fly Over California ride. It wasn’t spectacular or anything but it was defiantly something mom would enjoy. So after we exited the ride we snatched up mom and got right back in line leaving dad with his churro and frozen lemonade.

When we got off the ride we noticed dad wasn’t standing in the same place that he was when we left him. Fearing the worst we all scattered to look for him but before we got very far I spotted him sitting on a near by bench. As we began to approach dad I noticed he had a somewhat worried look on his face. As we drew nearer dad gingerly lifted himself off the bench and as soon as we got within an ear shot he shouted “We need to go….Now!”

Me: Ahhh fuck… you didn’t have another heart attack did you?

Dad: No…..

Me: Then why do me have to leave then?

Dad: *mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble*

Me: …….What?

Dad: * mumble, mumble, mumble* pants….

Me: Stop fucking mumbling and tell me what the hell happened!

Dad: I shit my pants!

Me: *sigh*……….God damn it dad

And that kids was the end of our vacation.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Skittles, Turds and Curly Fries

1. Smacked my friend in the crotch with a pool cue
2. Saw a fat drunk chick tackle her waiter and pillage his lifeless body for an order of curly fries
3. Watched an old lady run a stop light get pulled over and then drive into a ditch
4. Pooed out a turd in the shape of the Virgin Mary…(I’m totally going to hell for that one)
5. Realized that I was going to hell long before the Virgin Mary dookey
6. Discovered the words Pooed, Turd, and Dookey are not in the Microsoft Word Dictionary
7. Blew a snot bubble
8. Hit a co-worker in the tooth with a grape Skittle
9. Stuck my finger into a moving PC fan to see if it was still working…it worked…and it fucking hurt
10. Realized that I have no supervisor at work for the next 2 months…Party in my cube!!!!


Fart Flavor of the Day: Burnt marshmallow and anchovies

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Precious Moments with Dad Pt.3

Before I continue with my story I should tell you all that my dad having a heart attack is fairly common occurrence in our household. The fucking guy has heart attacks like most people have birthday parties. In fact at the time of this story I think he was already up to his 5th or 6th heart attack within a 5 year time span. Im glad to say that dad is now up to 9 heart attacks, 3 heart stints, and a quadruple bypass surgery and has been heart attack free for whopping 6 months.

Ok …so back to my story

By the time we arrived at the ride exit there were already several EMTs waiting to throw heart attack boy onto a stretcher. Apparently the guy monitoring the ride had his eye on our log for a while because our fat asses were tripping all kinds of fault sensors along the ride. I guess when dad had his heart attack the guy saw him clutch his chest on one of the video cameras and immediately called for the Disneyland paramedics. Luckily for them Splash Mountain is fairly close to a first aid station, so the poor bastards that had to carry my dad didn’t hurt themselves too badly.

At this point I was so humiliated that most of the events that occurred past the heart attack I have conveniently blocked out of my memory. The only thing I recall was that while in the first aid station my dad convinced a 20 sumthin medical student that was he was fine… and get this…the dipshit let my dad go back into the park without calling an ambulance or anything. Fuckin retard.

Oh wait…I lied… I do remember one other thing from the first aid station… There was a midget that was brought in right after my dad with a bad case of heat stroke. It was fuckin awesome! The poor guy looked like a sweaty ass Oompa Loompa… But I digress.

By this point we were all ready to call it a day. Having your dad die in the happiest place on earth doesn’t exactly make for a good vacation story. However dad insisted that we stay at the park and he would just take it easy for the rest of the day. So my sister and I decide to go off on our own for a little bit while mom and dad chilled out and got dad another frozen lemonade and churro. Without the use of the cripple pass the line times were ri-god-damn-diculous. We fuckin waited 3.5 hours to get onto Space Mountain…so not worth it. There was no way around it… we needed dad and his cripple pass to get us on the rides… oh and some lunch… .I was fuckin starving.

By this time dad looked like he was doing ok. He had all his color back and was walking around like nothing ever happened. Still we wanted him to take it easy for a while so we devised a little plan. Dad would go with us to cut to the front of the line with his pass, but just as we were about to board the ride he would tell the ride operator he wasn’t feeling well and my sister and I would still get to go on the ride. Haha!!! It was fuckin genius!…We must have hit up like 10 rides in 2 hours. Our vacation was back on track!

I guess after a couple hours of nearly getting on rides dad began to get a little bit envious. He begged, pleaded and swore up and down that he was fine, and he just wanted to go on the Indiana Jones ride once. (which just so happens to be his favorite ride of all time) Considering that there weren’t any 100 foot drops or anything else that could possibly kill him we reluctantly decided to let him go. So we all stroll right to the front of the line being cursed along the way by the people who have been standing in line for hours, and 5minutes later we are on the ride. Everything was going great, Indy himself greeted us as we entered the temple and good ol dad was as giddy as homo at a Boy George concert. As we approached the snake pit dad looked right at my mom and said and I quote “I love this part”. Now I don’t know if in the 5 seconds that it took for him to say that and actually get to the part of the ride he loved so much, if he forgot what was coming up or just went completely brain dead. But as soon as the giant snake lunged out in front of out car dad had another fucking heart attack.

I know that this may sound fucked up but I was pissed. Not because I had to spend the remainder of that day hanging out in a hospital instead of hanging out with Goofy and Donald. Not because we were dumb enough to let him on a ride after the first heart attack. No… I was pissed because he had been on that ride at least 30 times and he knew damn well that snake was gonna jump out. Its not really something you can forget about either… it’s a big fucking snake and you can see it from a mile away before it even jumps out. Im still flabbergasted that he had a heart attack over that stupid shit… Sad thing is there was a lady that looked at least 145 sitting a row in front of us, and she didn’t even fucking flinch when the snake jumped out.

Anyway… dad was taken to the hospital stabilized and released a few hours later and that was pretty much day two of our vacation from hell. Stay tuned for day three… believe it or not dad still has a little something up his sleeve…and its not another heart attack.